Partners Weight Comment

[LomotheGreat]

"We need to loose some weight"

Context: Partner has always had body issues. He has always been self-conscious about his weight and will berate himself all the time for eating 'snacks.'

Until I had my DD (8 years ago) I was slim. When pregnant, people would say things to me like "you'll spring back into shape as soon as you've had baby." I didn't. I'm in my 40's now, I have a few health issues related to hormones and possibly peri-menopausal. I'm constantly tired. I have little inclination to exercise, and I have changed careers from a job where I was on my feet all day to an office environment where I'm sitting for most of the day.

I notice his eyes looking at my stomach area, and more recently he playfully grabs me in the area where the band of my bra creates a bulges on my back (kind of the back of my armpits).

I have become bigger and I'm very aware of it, I just don't vocalise my self-consciousness.

AIBU to be so hurt by his comment?

I have expressed to him that I am not happy about the comment.

I gained weight over the last few years, I was bursting out of size 14 clothes.

I really wish my husband had mentioned it as I was in denial. Now I’m slim again, I’ve made him promise to be honest with me if I ever gain weight.

I have expressed to him that I am not happy about the comment.

So what did he say?

AIBU to be so hurt by his comment? No, but there's more to it that the comment.
The bulging bra suggests that you are carrying quite a lot of extra weight, and you seem to be blaming other factors on your being overweight. (your husband, child, hormones, age, job...)

No one suggested she did. Just you dived off the deep end. 😂

She asked for comments, I gave mine. Grabbing fat rolls of a person who doesn't want you to do it is highly disrespectful and humiliating. The fact your H and you may enjoy it is irrelevant to a situation involving a woman who doesn't enjoy it. It doesn't matter what phrases you use to try and make me appear to be overreacting, it doesn't change my view on that.

I was bursting out of size 14 clothes. doesn't mean anything other than size 14 was too small. @Sagaciously .
A dress size doesn't mean you are overweight, being overweight does.

Good grief. Has this triggered you in some way? If so back away from the thread.

To be fair, most size 16s unless very tall are overweight, and if you’re bursting out of a 14 then you’re at least a 16 if not an 18.

@Wildgoat , it's just a dress size. You might be a fit, trim, not overweight woman whose frame needs a size 16 or 18.

The label on the dress size is not a measure of being at a healthy weight.

Clothes sizes vary between brands. Would I be fat in one dress (size 16 made by a dressmaker) but not in one bought in a store with generous sizes.?

I agree. My dh is starting to gain weight on his belly which as a 58 year old man is a worry (I know it’s not good for anyone at any age, but you know what I mean). He’s also just started on a statin for cholesterol. So I’m going to have to have a tricky conversation with him, I’m going to frame it as how can I support him to lose some weight and get healthier.

You must have noticed you had gained weight.

Thanks for the responses. It would take an age to reply to everybody!

Somebody asked what my weight was. I don't know is the answer. I refuse to be a slave to the scales. I prefer to go by how comfortable I am in my clothes. As far as body shape goes, I'm an apple - hold all body fat around the middle, hence the back fat. I'm a size 16 on the bottom and 18 on top (I'm broad shouldered) and I'm just under 6ft tall.

There's a lot of comments about partner wanting 'us' to be more healthy. I can say with conviction this isn't about health for my partner. It is 100% about physical appearance. In the past we have clashed on our ideas of what being on a diet means. For me it's eating healthier - reducing portion sizes of some foods in favour of increasing more nutritiously dense choices. For him it's rationing and completely cutting out certain foods. As I mentioned, he has an unhealthy relationship with his own weight, which means he has an unhealthy approach to dieting.

We cook from scratch mostly and I'd say our general diet is healthy. I'm no saint, I have no self control when it comes to crisps and I bloody love them pizza!

I have made some changes, such as not buying sandwiches and crisps everyday at work. I can't eat portion sizes like I used to. I don't know if it's a side effect of age, or if my body doesn't need the fuel due to being less active in my work life. I used to love wine, but again, I just can't/don't want to drink like I used to.

I have two autoimmune issues - under-active thyroid and coeliac disease. My thyroid has not been stable since I had DD. Mixed with coeliac disease, my body doesn't absorb nutrients as well as it should. I have low iron and B12. Because of all of the above I feel exhausted most days. This is why I'm struggling to motivate myself despite knowing I would benefit from exercising more.

After reflecting on things, I see that my anger was a cover for feeling deeply hurt. My love language is definitely words of affirmation! I know deep down he would prefer me to be slimmer. I know he would find me more attractive if I was. His comment confirmed it in my mind, and I felt insecure. I know through his (other) words and actions that it doesn't mean he doesn't love me because of my weight, but yes, I would much prefer that he finds me more physically attractive. And yes, I would love to feel better about myself. I'm aware that I need to take action, but I didn't want to hear it from him disguised as 'we' need to take action.

Anyway, I told him I've been stroppy because I was hurt. We've been together for 14 years. We're not married and I've never felt the need until recently. I threw it out there a few weeks ago that we should make it official. His thought process was that he'd like us to get into shape so if we get married we'd look good in the photos. Now if he said this in the first place, I would not have been so offended. I had no idea he'd been thinking about actually getting married!

As for the back pinching thing, he said it was him being affectionate - his love language is physical touch. Maybe because I'm conscious of my back fat, I took it as more than it was... Not too sure on that one. He now knows I don't like it and I'm pretty sure he will stop doing it.

I think I've covered everything!

Thank you for your perspectives, opinions and thoughts.

I don’t think he has been thinking about getting married, he said that to backtrack because you were hurt by his comments.

Maybe not, but tbh I don't think he would be stupid enough to try to play me. I may be neurotic at times, but I ain't easily blindsided. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Op. I mean this gently you also have an unhealthy relationship with your weight, you’re clearly very unhappy with it and very sensitive. I am unsure why you think he’s in the wrong when the only difference is he verabalises it.

and yes, physical appearance is usually important to attraction, we all age, our bodies change, but that’s very different from becoming fat. It comes across like you some how feel he is shallow for this, when you yourself would feel you look better for losing weight.

i think you need to take control, as right now it’s like you think if you dint know your weight and don’t speak of it, then you can pretend it’s fine.

trust me, I’ve been there, buy a set of scales as your first step, confront it and see what you’re dealing with, it maybe not much to lose, and it’s obvious losing weight would make you feel better, so you can both do it together,

my advice would be very different if you had a healthy relationship with your weight, were happy with it, but you are not.

I take some of your points. I am unhappy with my weight and I would feel happier with how I look if I lost a stone.

I do own scales. Being taller I have always been heavier than the UK's average weight for a woman, hence why I go with how my clothes fit rather than what the scales say. Even when I was slim people would be shocked at my clothing size because they assumed I'd be in a smaller size.

He is shallow. He will point out what he considers to be people's physical flaws.

I'm a slow burner. I think about action for a long time but once I'm committed, nothing will get in my way.

Thank you for your thoughts.

A size 18 is not really a healthy weight regardless of being 6 foot. He's obviously trying to dilute his true feelings by suggesting losing weight together.

Can I ask, when you’re on line running this man down, now apparently he’s also shallow, why do you wish marriage? No one should want to marry someone they hold in such contempt. And he certainly shouldn’t marry someone who thinks of him as you do.

@Greenqueen40 , A size 18 is not really a healthy weight
Size is size, weight is weight. There may be a correlation, but being size 18 does not necessarily mean your weight is unhealthy.

Yes it is, it’s usually 36 inches waist. It’s unhealthy.

I was overweight since having kids. I’m tall and was often described as voluptuous. However I was unhealthy and over weight. My partner made a comment about it once and he was right. It’s the same as saying ‘we need to drink less’ if it’s true it’s true. Anyway I’ve lost 6.5 stone since January now and his kick up the bum was probably the best thing that could have happened xx

Yes I think the fact he said “we” included himself also. However the grabbing was unkind . Maybe a sit down chat is needed and you can work a new diet out together .

@Wildgoat , it's just a dress size. 2 stones overweight is unhealthy.
Wearing a size 18 doesn't make you an unhealthy weight. Carrying extra unhealthy body weight makes you an unhealthy weight.

Sizes in my wardrobe: extra small, small, large, extra large,10, 12, 14, 16. They all fit. BMI 24. Dress sizes are meaningless now and have been for some time.

I think when a man says this they never mean ‘we’ and it’s not normally about health either. They are basically saying I fancied you more when you were slimmer and I wish you could lose some weight.