To really struggle with how my sister dealt with my mothers death (TW)

[Erandie]

So first of all, trigger warning as I will be mentioning suspected suicide.

Some context, there is 15 years between my sister and I, we have different dads, were mostly raised in different countries and have very little in common. I also know we had very different relationships with our mother. I’m going to try and be a little vague but I know this might still be identifiable to those who know us.

My sister is now 25, 3 years ago in July our mother passed away, it was officially classed as an accident but we both have our suspicions that this was not the case. Prior to that I hadn’t lived with my mum since I turned 18, so almost 20 years. I know in that time she changed dramatically.
My mother had always struggled with her mental health, this wasn’t foreign to either of us but ultimately she was a good mum, at least to me anyway. Around my 27th birthday my mum moved back to her home country (somewhere I have never lived) and took my sister who would have been 12 at the time with her. My sister recounts the teen years in a very specific way, highs where she would be spoiled endlessly, followed by lows, alcoholism, pill addiction etc. My mother also had a tendency to have new boyfriends all the time. I tried to visit frequently (about every 8-12 weeks), we tried to reach out for help but ultimately you cannot help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.
My sister would have been 22 when my mother died, for the years before that my sister had modelled for a while and had good prospects but ended up giving it up to be with my mother more consistently then she enrolled in university and would call her daily and check on her often.
My sister went through a break up and dropped the visits and calls the 2 weeks before my mother passed. I continued calling but she was notorious for being less honest with me than my sister so it was hard to tell.
After her not answering my calls 2 days in a row I managed to get a hold of my sister who went to visit and unfortunately she found my mother already having passed. I took the first flight and was there by that evening, I took on the majority of the admin side as obviously my sister had a very complicated relationship with our mother and I never held that against her.
I remember very vividly my sister did not cry once, she barely wanted anything of our mother’s possessions, took a very low level interest. I wrote this off as being a mix of shock, guilt (I don’t blame her at all but I know she has been to therapy and to some extent blamed herself for not visiting more) and a consequence of their complicated relationship.
However recently I have discovered that my sister was actively going on dates (including her first date with her now boyfriend) in the 8 days between our mother’s death and the funeral. I don’t know why this has impacted me so much, as I fully understand we all grieve differently and we had very different mother daughter relationships. I try to remind myself of that but in all honestly I just feel a little bit heartbroken to think she kept moving like nothing happened.
I think it’s also one of those things where my sister was clearly my mother’s favourite child (the pretty one, the smart one, the one who modelled) but I was left to do all the really emotionally taxing stuff while she just went on dates.
She has also jokingly told me that she slept with someone the night of the day we found out. I can’t help but think I was in bed crying that night and I find the difference in our responses quite staggering.
I try to maintain a close relationship with my sister now as I know she has very limited family left but I find this response colours my view of her, even though I rationally know it’s just grief looking different on different people.

AIBU to feel like this? Is there anything I can do to get over it before it ruins our relationship?

I voted YABU because it’s not fair to expect someone to comply with your idea of how to grieve. I do think you’ve recognised that. It’s better than if your sister had fallen apart so I see it as a good thing.
She is almost a generation younger than you. I have a brother with the same age gap and it probably wasn’t until well into his 30s that we really connected. Coincidentally we also lost our mum young although he would have been about 30. The older siblings all took charge of all the funeral and practical stuff and we probably did expect little of him even at that age. 22 is really quite young!
You recognise a little resentment on your side but it’s not your sister’s fault. And as you say she had her own difficulties when your mum turned unreliable when sister was a young teen.
I’d be glad your sister has resources and her own life. I’m sure you’ll grow closer as the years pass.

Did your mother emotional abuse and neglect you or just your sister?

Sorry about your DM. It's difficult to know what to say. Why do you expect your sister to respond the same way as you? Because your way is somehow right and hers isn't? You need to reclaim the moral high ground for some reason so she needs to pay the price? I don't get it, but these are questions for you, not your sister. It's your problem, not hers.

I was 21 when my mother died, cancer not depression. I thought I wouldn't cope. After years of fearing it, when it happened it was a relief. I did similar to your sister. My father died a couple of years later. I went out clubbing after his funeral. No-one saw me for a couple of days afterwards. I only judge people who judge.

Honestly I struggle with that question, as ultimately she was never the most consistent parent, when she was married to my sisters dad she frequently had affairs and there was an expectation id keep this secret. But ultimately I always came home to a sober mother, who always made dinner and I didn’t have a parade of men throughout my teens.
My sister did have to parent herself more and had to deal with much more extreme circumstances.

Your sister has done nothing wrong. You can feel as you wish to feel, but you won't change her feelings or behaviour by doing so.

Possibly you feel guilt about the reality that your sister had a much harder life than you after she was left at the age of 12 living alone with her very unwell and unstable mother and a string of men coming and going, and later giving up her dreams possibly at her mother's insistence, and perhaps you would like to shift some blame onto your sister rather than blame your mother.

Possibly not, hard to say.

Radical acceptance therapy might help you let go of the desire to control your sister's responses and feelings.

This. She probably felt like dancing on her grave at gaining her freedom.if you were so bothered about your mum and sister you could have moved too.
I feel sorry for your sister, first her mother, now her sister making her life a misery.

So bluntly and sadly, you have a mother to mourn, your sister doesn't.
You had someone who looked after you, sounds likely your sister has lost the person who parentified her?

I have to admit I don't really understand what your problem is. My mum died last month and I have never once thought to question my sister's reaction to this. Why does this matter to you? You grieved your mother in your way and your sister in hers. You admit that you had different experiences of growing up with your mum, so surely it is understandable that her death affected you both differently?

Having said that, even if your upbringing had been identical there is no reason why your grief should have been the same, as surely everyone processes grief in their own way? I think you need to focus on your own feelings about your mum and forget about your sister's. Maybe seek some therapy.

There is no one way to grieve. It sounds like your sister got the short end of the stick during her teenage years and yet she still tried to look out for her mother

Honestly I don’t know why I feel like this. I’m not someone who naturally believes there is a right way to grieve and I feel pretty crap about how much it bothers me.
I guess part of it is probably she told me she needed to be alone then later finding out she was on dates and sleeping guys. While I get that’s also a perfectly fine thing to do but it stings a little as honestly I didn’t want to be alone in that moment.
I think it’s also just the way we responded in totally opposite ways.

I don’t want to feel like this towards her, I really do love my sister and I think we both carry a lot of guilt about how we handled the last years of my mothers death (she resents me for being in a different country and being the one who had to give up a career, I resent her for never being fully transparent with me about how bad things had gotten) so we are working to try and improve our relationship as sisters.

I feel for your sister. She’s had it harsh, she’s probably relieved she doesn’t have a millstone around her neck and can get on with her life.
Grieving for a parent isn’t a one fits all situation, it’s individual to each person. She may grieve away from you and you don’t know it. Leave her be.
This is a you issue. You just need to let it go.

You resent your sister for being abused by your unstable mother and dealing with it as best she could while you got on with your life in another country. Wow.

A good start would be to stop blaming your sister for your mum's behaviour, illness, instability, bad parenting and making your sister's life hard and stop expecting her to have been the perfect support worker - a job she never signed up for and should not have been expected to take on - and not dealing with the constant nightmare of her unwell mother to the unpaid standard you think she should have.

She's done nothing wrong.

Completely agree. Imagine being 12 years old all alone with her unwell and unstable mother in another country that her mother has taken her to, and all the boyfriends to deal with and then your only close relative tries to blame you for not being perfect and grieving in a way she finds acceptable.

And even has the nerve to resent her sister not being "transparent" enough to suit OP, whatever that's supposed to mean. The poor girl was an unpaid carer and reluctant support worker. OP is being unbelievably unfair here.

I think OP is jealous of her sister's time with her mother, is resentful of her sister, and I think the sister should ghost the OP. With sisters like the OP, who needs enemies?

it sounds like you want a sister to share the grief with and you’re upset that she’s not responding in the way you’d like. Unfortunately, you can’t share your grief and this moment with her because your experience is very different to hers. The stark difference to your feelings right now makes it horribly clear how awful her teenage years must have been - perhaps that’s what you are struggling with. Further, perhaps her behaviour is in part learned from your mother (seeking comfort and attention from men), and I don’t think you can blame her for that.

She is very young and has had a horrible time. I think it will be years before she has processed everything that has happened - and I hope very much that she is able to do. She’s still got all of her twenties ahead of her which can be a turbulent and difficult time if the teen years were unsettled and unhappy.

No no that’s not what I meant.
I more meant my sister resents me for not being there but I also had no idea for years that it was as bad as it was, neither did her dad or anyone. We’ve spoken about this, she explained the why (she believed if she told anyone they’d send her back to live with her dad which she didn’t want) but I guess I struggle with the “you should have been there” comments when I had no idea how bad it was for years. If I’d known I’d have been there but I didn’t know. I’d always visit when my sister was with her dad, and my mum and I were never super close so she used to hide a lot of the worst of it from me. My mum also lied to me about the nature of her divorce, would never let me stay in her apartment (always told me there wasn’t space so I’d stay in a hotel and we’d go out together). I’m sure there are things I missed, I was newly married with small children at the time so definitely acted selfishly. But I find the “you weren’t there” comments hard as I didn’t know the extent of the situation.

One of the multitude of things we aren't prepared for when bereaved is the weird strain it puts on relationships. Nobody can really tell how they will feel.

A death invites us to crystallise our experience of that person, and everyone's experience was different. In your case, they were dramatically different but it's often a shock between family members whose lives were similar.

On top of that, you have natural personality differences and life circumstances modifying each person's emotions, responses and expectations. Death does (usually) bring families together - and, in doing so, it throws their individualities into high relief.

Give it time. You shouldn't be expecting yourself to be able to package this all up neatly. You're going through a complicated process; so is your sister. I think it's great that you are both understanding each other. The chances are good that you'll come through this with a deeper, more mature relationship.

You weren't there. She was. She has done nothing wrong. You are in the wrong here, as the responses should be showing you.

I suggest radical acceptance therapy and leaving the poor girl in peace to finally get on with her life.

I’m not forcing a relationship with her? I don’t know why you think that.
Whenever she is in London she comes to visit without me provoking it, she has on occasion just showed up, so she’s not being forced to talk to me please don’t think that.
She’s now left our mothers home country for a 3rd country and doing really well, new job etc. but we do both talk to each other a lot by choice.

She's feeling guilty, though, isn't she? Feeling like her little sister needed her but she didn't know how much. That her mum pulled the wool over her eyes but there's no time machine available to do that differently.

I will never dispute a recommendation to acceptance therapy, though!

I was struck, OP, by you saying your sister was your mother's favourite. I'm no psychologist, so only take from this what rings true for you...

Your sister may feel that her being the favourite can't really be true. That you were the one she stayed sober for. You were the one who was worth more to her than alcohol or drugs. You were the one she stayed in the same place for. Etc. Your sister gave up opportunity when your mother got worse, probably because she held guilt and was trying to get validation she never really felt she had. And when your mother died, she carried on with (by the sounds of it) somewhat classic numbing behaviour. Possibly self-destructive. None of that is a woman who wasn't in pain.

You know, intellectually, that people grieve in different ways. But you are having trouble applying that to your sister. Is it, maybe, your own demons (a mother who, after not being all that great, abandoned you and took your sister away to another country, who presumably tell you how wonderfully pretty your sister is, etc.) that mean you feel your sister was more loved and so should grieve harder. That it's not fair that she had your mothers favour and isn't as cut up as you? But she wasn't your mother's favourite. Neither of you were.

Honestly this is really accurate take I think.

I was inclined to feel my sister was the favourite as I was forever being told she was already smarter than me, was always prettier than me, she quite often told me she had another child as I didn’t live up to her expectations.
Im sure my sister felt her inability to stay sober, her inability to put her first and the very high expectations placed on her (she was placed in an international school, was expected to get 6/7s (highest levels) in her IB diploma while also trying to start a modelling career, was expected to be flawless in front of her friends etc.) meant she preferred me.
You’re right neither of us were the favourite, I love my mum but she was ultimately a selfish and quite narcissistic woman.

Your sister sounds traumatised. I’d also be worried about the stream of men in her young life. You can both hopefully repair the adult relationship and understand each others perspective. It’s hard to feel blame from a younger sibling for what are essentially parental failings when you were young yourself but I guess it’s part of the process

We’ve both had a lot of conversations about this and she’s said herself that the men were the worst part. She was quite open and said that coming home to our mother passed out or drunk didn’t feel unsafe but coming home to grown men she didn’t know and who were often not great people and tried to flirt with her was horrendous, especially as there was never really any warning so she’d sometimes just open the door to our mother passed out in bed and a random man in the kitchen.
She’s obviously been through so much and I wish I’d known more so I could have stepped in but my sister has had therapy and is in a relationship with a really lovely guy now and I hope she finally gets the happiness and love she deserves.

Grief isn’t linear, it doesn’t follow a timeline. It has various stages, and jumps about revisiting stages multiple times. Just because your sister isn’t a sobbing mess doesn’t mean that she won’t be. I wish you both well. I hope writing about it is cathartic for you. You can’t control your sister’s emotions, which are based on her experience and hers alone. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve.

So,

your mum cheated frequently so clearly was fairly sex positive and close to men.

your sister witnessed this, and was also heralded for her looks, being pretty and model material

is it any wonder that your sister ran to sex and first dates after going through bereavement? It’s probably a coping mechanism for her. She witnessed your mum doing the same thing, as basically grew up knowing her appearance was her biggest asset. To me, it just sounds like your sister was following your mum’s example and doing what she was raised to aspire to, seek out men for support. Those same men found her attractive and pursued things intimately. She ended up with a one night stand and another long term partner. It’s not really that big of a deal in the grand scheme.