To really struggle with how my sister dealt with my mothers death (TW)

[Erandie]

So first of all, trigger warning as I will be mentioning suspected suicide.

Some context, there is 15 years between my sister and I, we have different dads, were mostly raised in different countries and have very little in common. I also know we had very different relationships with our mother. I’m going to try and be a little vague but I know this might still be identifiable to those who know us.

My sister is now 25, 3 years ago in July our mother passed away, it was officially classed as an accident but we both have our suspicions that this was not the case. Prior to that I hadn’t lived with my mum since I turned 18, so almost 20 years. I know in that time she changed dramatically.
My mother had always struggled with her mental health, this wasn’t foreign to either of us but ultimately she was a good mum, at least to me anyway. Around my 27th birthday my mum moved back to her home country (somewhere I have never lived) and took my sister who would have been 12 at the time with her. My sister recounts the teen years in a very specific way, highs where she would be spoiled endlessly, followed by lows, alcoholism, pill addiction etc. My mother also had a tendency to have new boyfriends all the time. I tried to visit frequently (about every 8-12 weeks), we tried to reach out for help but ultimately you cannot help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.
My sister would have been 22 when my mother died, for the years before that my sister had modelled for a while and had good prospects but ended up giving it up to be with my mother more consistently then she enrolled in university and would call her daily and check on her often.
My sister went through a break up and dropped the visits and calls the 2 weeks before my mother passed. I continued calling but she was notorious for being less honest with me than my sister so it was hard to tell.
After her not answering my calls 2 days in a row I managed to get a hold of my sister who went to visit and unfortunately she found my mother already having passed. I took the first flight and was there by that evening, I took on the majority of the admin side as obviously my sister had a very complicated relationship with our mother and I never held that against her.
I remember very vividly my sister did not cry once, she barely wanted anything of our mother’s possessions, took a very low level interest. I wrote this off as being a mix of shock, guilt (I don’t blame her at all but I know she has been to therapy and to some extent blamed herself for not visiting more) and a consequence of their complicated relationship.
However recently I have discovered that my sister was actively going on dates (including her first date with her now boyfriend) in the 8 days between our mother’s death and the funeral. I don’t know why this has impacted me so much, as I fully understand we all grieve differently and we had very different mother daughter relationships. I try to remind myself of that but in all honestly I just feel a little bit heartbroken to think she kept moving like nothing happened.
I think it’s also one of those things where my sister was clearly my mother’s favourite child (the pretty one, the smart one, the one who modelled) but I was left to do all the really emotionally taxing stuff while she just went on dates.
She has also jokingly told me that she slept with someone the night of the day we found out. I can’t help but think I was in bed crying that night and I find the difference in our responses quite staggering.
I try to maintain a close relationship with my sister now as I know she has very limited family left but I find this response colours my view of her, even though I rationally know it’s just grief looking different on different people.

AIBU to feel like this? Is there anything I can do to get over it before it ruins our relationship?

There are no rules about how others manage death. We are all different. Stop judging.

Struggling to see what your sister’s done wrong.

She had an awful childhood with an unstable, selfish, emotionally abusive mother. You weren’t present for most of it; she was just a toddler when you moved out and she was then dragged to another country.

Nobody is obliged to even be sad at someone’s death, let alone to demonstrate their sadness in a way that meets with your approval. Your sister sounds perfectly fine to me.

I also think you’re unfair to say your sister was the favoured child, given that she was essentially treated like shit.

I am very sorry for your loss. To me it sounds like your sister is in trauma response. I am sure your mother loved her but her behaviour must have created huge anxiety in her at the very least. She was ‘looking after’ your mum when she herself was very young. I suspect now she doesn’t really know how to react. She loved your mum. She resented her. She misses her. She feels free. It sounds like she’s trying to ignore all that and chase something else to numb herself or feel better. I understand you lived away but your sister already had enough responsibility looking after your mum to also be responsible for keeping you updated to the extent you say you wanted. At the end of the day your sister had to carry a lot on a day to day basis at a young age. I imagine you both feel guilt towards your mum and towards each other. And things feel unresolved as while your mother loved you both in her own way, she found the world hard and did not show that to you in a consistent manner and in the way you needed. I hope think get easier for you both. Best wishes.

Agree with this. Get some professional therapy, it will really help.

I’m sorry for your loss OP

You said something that jumped out at me (and followed up with a similar comment in a subsequent post).

If I’d known I’d have been there

I think you should sit with this thought for a long while, on it’s own, without all the noise of the other things you have written about relating to what has happened since your mother’s sad and traumatic death.

There is absolutely no judgment from me here. You weren’t there. There will be many reasons for this.

I’m sorry for your loss OP

You said something that jumped out at me (and followed up with a similar comment in a subsequent post).

If I’d known I’d have been there

I think you should sit with this thought for a long while, on it’s own, without all the noise of the other things you have written about relating to what has happened since your mother’s sad and traumatic death.

There is absolutely no judgment from me here. You weren’t there. There will be many reasons for this.

Sorry For your loss OP.

But to suggest that your sister is in any way to blame is really not on.
What has she possibly got to feel guilty about?
She has had a terrible and incomprehensible upbringing and has been hugely failed by your mother. She is probably at risk from addictions and mental health issues herself now.
Please do all you can to support her without judgement, I fear you have no idea of what she's been through.

Your sister was abused and badly neglected by your mother, and was very young when she died, and still is.
It could take her another 15 years to tease out the damage of such a neglectful childhood and the damage it has done to her.

Try not to judge her so harshly as it sounds as if she has a lot to process.
When you lose a parent early it can feel very isolating as most friends don't have the experience.
It is lonely, confusing and quite miserable.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, it's such a personal journey. You do yours and allow your sister to do it her way. It doesn't sound like everything was all fluffy bunnies and rainbows with your sisters childhood, so she will have her own journey to go on here.

Sorry about the loss of your mum OP.

Yabu

I was your sister even though I didn't have such a complicated relationship with my mum...i adored her. She died when I was 23. When she was ill, and after she died, I was completely off the rails. Drink, drugs, men...with hindsight, anything to mean I wasn't thinking about what was happening. I judge myself harshly for this, even though I shouldn't.

Please give her support rather than judgement.

Your sister has her right to deal with her life and grief in her way. It’s none of your business. It sounds as if she had a much harder life than you and had to deal with your mum alone.
it sounds as if you’re a bit jealous of your sister for what’s perceived as her successes, being pretty and smart etc., but if the way you portray things are true, she’s had a much harder life than you and she may be using men and sex as a (potentially not very healthy) coping mechanism. Don’t judge her and focus on healing your own wounds, then you’ll be in a better place to understand her.

I guess part of it is probably she told me she needed to be alone then later finding out she was on dates and sleeping guys. While I get that’s also a perfectly fine thing to do but it stings a little as honestly I didn’t want to be alone in that moment.
I think it’s also just the way we responded in totally opposite ways.

When a shocking thing happens it can take a while before the brain really believes it. I can see your sister packing away your mother's death as not dealing with right now, going on a date instead. I can't change the fact she's dead anyway.

Whereas you wanted to be sad together? I think another way a family death is a hard time is that when a bad thing happens to a person then you cut them some slack/give them what they want for a bit. But when you've both lost someone you can't both slip into the support-while-ignoring-own-needs-temporarily role that we often do in other situations.

It sounds like your sister had an awful time with your mum and you don't know the half of what she went through. I don't think it is reasonable of you to judge her. You weren't there and she made sacrifices. Perhaps she was glad to be relieved of the stress.

This. So your 12 year old sister had to grow up like that, and you resent her for grieving differently?

Also, sex and death are closely linked. There is a lot of evidence that shows in grief people often turn to relationships new or old to feel alive during the depths of grief.

Your sister had a traumatic time in the lead-up to your mums death. She also had a traumatic and dysfunctional upbringing. She doesn’t know what normal family structure looks like. Your mum modelled a weird kind of love for her.

no wonder she was doing unexpected things like going on dates. It sounds like your mum put value on your sisters physical appearance, and she was looking for similar validation from men during her greif.

i feel desperately sorry for you both - losing your mum and her final years being marked by addiction is traumatic.

who is looking out for your sister? I am worried she will head down the path of addiction like your mum. Family patterns repeating themselves is very common.

your sister won’t be ready to talk just yet but she has a very difficult childhood foundation forming and influencing her adulthood. Some professional therapy would help but only when she’s mature and ready.

who is looking out for you? You take on responsibility and grieve “normally” (compared to your sister) but that doesn’t mean you aren’t susceptible to mental illness in later life.

It sounds as if your sister has every right to feel ambivalent about your mother's death.

If your sister had to deal with the fallout from your mother’s behaviour since she was a teen, she may have just switched off in order to protect herself. Dealing with such a mother as a teenager, being able to compartmentalise and distance yourself can get you through. Kindly, you are already well down the road compared to her and maybe see the past through rose tinted glasses-plus not having to live with your mother or even be in the same country make difficult relations easier. Don’t criticise your sister-her feelings and the cards dealt to her are different from yours-but maybe try to help her lead a fulfilling life and not be vulnerable to the men.

This is a very timely thread for me. I lost a very close friend 2 years ago. She had children in their early 20s. The younger one has always lived in the moment, spending money as it comes in and flitting from job to job, more so since her Mum died. I have felt a bit disapproving , never showed it. But I saw her this week and suddenly realised that it’s all masking. She wears really thick makeup and is literally covering her true feelings and self up. She’s very clear that she cares for no one and intends to travel the world without leaving any footprints. I suddenly saw her fragility. I wished her well. Someday she will have to face the devastation of her loss, but she’s not ready yet. She’s dealing with it in the only way she can.
My friend was a very loving and consistent mother. Sadly , neither you or your sister had that experience , for so long it seems both of you put her first, accepted her world view and saw things through that distorted lens. It’s going to take some time to work through that lot. Your Mum failed to protect your sister, she may have more to tell you. You are in a difficult position really, the age gap puts you into at least a semi parental role, but neither of you may want that. I think you’ve been searingly honest about your feelings. And that capacity for reflection is going to help you a lot. Your sisters reactions are wholly understandable, so are yours. Keep talking,I think you may be much more important to her than you realise.💐

Your Mother had multiple affairs and expected your sister who was a child to keep her secrets. I think your Mother is lucky your sister bothered with her at all.
She had a totally different upbringing from you and you are very wrong to judge her. You are also much older and your sisters brain is still maturing.

I am someone who rarely cries, DH was raised with his Mum and sister crying at anything and everything and are dramatic about it. People are just different.

I think you might be focussing on judging your sister negatively so you don’t have to reflect on your own feelings around your mother’s death.

Grief is hard. 10 years later you might see a photo and burst into tears. Unless you’ve lost someone you loved it’s impossible to understand.

Your sister is also much younger than you, they say a humans brain isn’t fully developed until the age of 25 so her reaction and its difference to yours could be to do with that.

Whatever her feelings whether they change or not, I believe you don’t really have a problem with that, it’s just easier to focus on that than the terrible grief.

Be kind to yourself Op and be kind to your sister.

YABVU to judge and pass comment on how your sister acted after the death, it's frankly not your business. Imagine your sister saying 'am I wrong to judge the way my sister reacted to our mum's death? She completely fell to pieces, she should have been less upset, stronger, not taken to her bed in tears!'

You wouldn't like it. I've been there, losing my mum at a relatively young-ish age (early twenties) and I'd be furious if I found someone was judging my reaction, which at the time was to carry on. This post comes across just really nasty tbh. The way you act after a death doesn't dictate how much you cared about that person and has little bearing on the overall process of grief. Some people fall apart right after and slowly get back to normal. Others carry on as normal straight after, and then a year or two down the line fall apart. Some don't fall apart at all. Some don't ever get back to normal.

I actually think going on a date and sleeping with someone sounds like the perfect way (for a very traumatised and shocked, grieving young woman) to distract from the onslaught of very confusing and contradicting feelings they know are building inside them.

That poor young woman. I would focus more on continuing to build your relationship and respect for each other independently of your childhood, your mother and your experiences coming to terms with her passing.

I was at work a few days after my dad's death. It affected me greatly but I think I just thought I should go in. I know for sure it's what my dad would have done.

If I had a date arranged, I may well have kept it if I really liked the guy.

I have never cried about my mum's death. I loved her absolutely but I have never been able to cry about it. I cannot even understand it myself.

We can feel things very deeply sometimes. Almost too deep to be able to reach or to even try to understand.

I am so sorry for your loss OP and everything you have been through. 💐

Sounds like.your sister got the shitty end of the stick, gave up a career to care for your mother while were away and you're criticising her grieving process?