To really struggle with how my sister dealt with my mothers death (TW)

[Erandie]

So first of all, trigger warning as I will be mentioning suspected suicide.

Some context, there is 15 years between my sister and I, we have different dads, were mostly raised in different countries and have very little in common. I also know we had very different relationships with our mother. I’m going to try and be a little vague but I know this might still be identifiable to those who know us.

My sister is now 25, 3 years ago in July our mother passed away, it was officially classed as an accident but we both have our suspicions that this was not the case. Prior to that I hadn’t lived with my mum since I turned 18, so almost 20 years. I know in that time she changed dramatically.
My mother had always struggled with her mental health, this wasn’t foreign to either of us but ultimately she was a good mum, at least to me anyway. Around my 27th birthday my mum moved back to her home country (somewhere I have never lived) and took my sister who would have been 12 at the time with her. My sister recounts the teen years in a very specific way, highs where she would be spoiled endlessly, followed by lows, alcoholism, pill addiction etc. My mother also had a tendency to have new boyfriends all the time. I tried to visit frequently (about every 8-12 weeks), we tried to reach out for help but ultimately you cannot help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.
My sister would have been 22 when my mother died, for the years before that my sister had modelled for a while and had good prospects but ended up giving it up to be with my mother more consistently then she enrolled in university and would call her daily and check on her often.
My sister went through a break up and dropped the visits and calls the 2 weeks before my mother passed. I continued calling but she was notorious for being less honest with me than my sister so it was hard to tell.
After her not answering my calls 2 days in a row I managed to get a hold of my sister who went to visit and unfortunately she found my mother already having passed. I took the first flight and was there by that evening, I took on the majority of the admin side as obviously my sister had a very complicated relationship with our mother and I never held that against her.
I remember very vividly my sister did not cry once, she barely wanted anything of our mother’s possessions, took a very low level interest. I wrote this off as being a mix of shock, guilt (I don’t blame her at all but I know she has been to therapy and to some extent blamed herself for not visiting more) and a consequence of their complicated relationship.
However recently I have discovered that my sister was actively going on dates (including her first date with her now boyfriend) in the 8 days between our mother’s death and the funeral. I don’t know why this has impacted me so much, as I fully understand we all grieve differently and we had very different mother daughter relationships. I try to remind myself of that but in all honestly I just feel a little bit heartbroken to think she kept moving like nothing happened.
I think it’s also one of those things where my sister was clearly my mother’s favourite child (the pretty one, the smart one, the one who modelled) but I was left to do all the really emotionally taxing stuff while she just went on dates.
She has also jokingly told me that she slept with someone the night of the day we found out. I can’t help but think I was in bed crying that night and I find the difference in our responses quite staggering.
I try to maintain a close relationship with my sister now as I know she has very limited family left but I find this response colours my view of her, even though I rationally know it’s just grief looking different on different people.

AIBU to feel like this? Is there anything I can do to get over it before it ruins our relationship?

It sounds like you're mum was a difficult woman with a difficult relationship with the world. And your sister bore the brunt of that in her teenage years and she felt trapped by it. This is not your fault and it's not her fault.

The fact that she behaved differently from you in the immediate aftermath is bothering you. But. She is so much younger than you. With age comes perspective and responsibility. She wasn't in the same place as you. Maybe she felt like it was your job to do the grunt work because you'd escaped the worst of the inconsistent, possibly crappy, parenting. Maybe she just did what a lot of people do and used sex (people use drink, drugs, food and other things too) to help her forget the shitstorm?

What you cant do, no matter how much you disagree with her approach, is police her feelings. So, you have to look at what you're feeling and work with that. Did you feel like you didn't want to make the arrangements? Like you didnt want to do the grunt work? Why? It often falls to the eldest to do this stuff. Did you feel abandoned? And therefore resentful at having to be the responsible one? Do you feel that by doing the arrangements your crappy childhood wasn't acknowledged?

You and your sister need a reset. Both of you had a rubbish time of it in your own ways. Her upbringing was a different experience to yours. And her response was different. Just different. Acknowledging that difference without point scoring or comparing will go along way.

I am so sorry about your mum and these complicated feelings about your sister. I hope you find some peace.

It's sounds really hard and sad, OP. I hope you can find a way to build a supportive bond with your sister and put the lack of sound parental love behind you both.

I remember at that age putting on a false front and trying to look like everything was fine, when it really wasn't. It may be that she is just blazing on trying to look like she is coping, when the foundations are very thin indeed underneath.

You might just need to keep flying your own plane while she tries to fly hers for the time being. There may come a time when the situation is less raw and you can talk about it.

I'm so sorry that you have grown up in this very difficult situation. It does sound very hard.

Is there any other relative who has a more stable situation and could provide you with a bit of balast to get you over this bump?

People are self centred in their twenties. I reacted when my dad dies in my 40s very differently than when my mum died in my 20s. In both case there was a weird elation that their suffering was ended and I was free but for my dad there was a deep grief and loss. I loved them both and my mum was the nire giving parent; it's just that young people are very self absorbed

That’s some really helpful questions thank you.

I think you’re right, I didn’t really want to plan the funeral I found it all really stressful. My husband isn’t British and we don’t have any family in the UK other than my dad who at the time was on holiday. This meant I had to leave my 3 children who were 4 months, 2 and 4 with my husband as our baby didn’t have a passport yet. It was really difficult being away from my kids in that moment, especially as I had been breastfeeding my youngest and was constantly worried about her adjusting to the bottle so suddenly.
I’ve also never lived in my mums home country and while I can speak some of the language I’m not fluent and my sister is, so I felt like I was constantly trying to understand systems I had no idea about and talk to people in broken sentences. I didn’t want to put it on my sister as ultimately she found our mum and I cannot imagine how traumatising that was for her. When she told me she needed space I wanted to give her it. She also had a bit of a rough time as due to the nature of it there was police involvement and they had a lot of questions for her that I just don’t think she was in a place to answer.
In the moment I just felt so alone and honestly a little scared.
I need to do better at remembering we were both dealt crap cards and we can’t weigh up our responses.

I’m very sorry that you’ve lost your mother young (38 is young). I think this is your own grief and a lot of anger pouring out on your sister when it’s actually about your mother.

I’m going to take your sister out of the picture for a minute. Your mum had a baby when you were in your mid teens. and moved countries when you were still quite young. Her life became scarily uncontrolled and difficult, landing you with what felt like responsibilities but which you had no way of executing. You feel like you did t succeed the way your mother wanted, when her life was barely functional. And now she’s killed herself (probably) and has left you once again with huge responsibilities. I can’t begin to imagine how much upset, pain and anger is churning around.

A big breach with a sibling isn’t unusual after a major loss; it’s so common it’s almost normal. But it’s also terrible. I will probably never speak to my BIL again after my dh’s death, and my MIL was estranged from her sisters for twenty years after her mum died. It’s hard. But these feelings aren’t rational, despite your attempts to sound thought through.

Bringing your sister back in… she had a pretty shitty adolescence. You know that. She is almost memorialising your mother, behaving like her, by shagging guys on the day of her death. It sounds like a scream of anger. This is what your mum did, when your sister was barely a teenager. She’s acting out.

Please go to therapy. Say all the things that you’re too controlled to say here and that you can’t say to your mum now, and probably shouldn’t say to your sister. Let the therapist contain what you are struggling with.

Your sister is still very young. I empathise as I remember being very chaotic and selfish at that age myself.

I'm glad she had her big sister to support her and I’m sorry for your loss.

We all grieve differently .
But you and your sister from 12 didn't live together..you have no real idea of what she went through with your mum.
When my step dad died ,I didn't cry once ..not even at the funeral..such was my relationship with him

Narcissistic abusive mothers can drive wedges between siblings. Don't fall into that trap. Let your sister lead her life and you lead yours. You are not responsible for anything your mother did including her abuse/neglect of your sister, so there is no need to feel guilt either. It sounds like your sister may be following some of your mother's patterns and maybe that is why it is bothering you. Perhaps you also felt that she should have found your mother sooner since she lived nearer, and are struggling with the fact that instead she was sleeping with men. There are a lot of complicated confusing feelings to process. If it were me I would probably keep distance from everything and take time to heal. A few people have mentioned therapy and that would probably be a good place to start.

Your guilt over your (perceived) lack of support for your sister over the last few years, has twisted your feelings to protect yourself. You are blaming your sister for seeing/sleeping with people because YOU feel guilty

Get some therapy

You're in the wrong here, not your sister

Well she's right you weren't there. It may well be your mother dying was in some ways a relief for her, no longer being expected to look after her mother, no longer worrying about the men, the alcohol, the drugs and emotional abuse. She was probably very conflicted when your mother died there may be times she is very sad and guilty (not necessarily when you are there) and others where she can't help feeling it happened for the best. You really have no idea what she went through living with your mother.

With your judgement of your sister's behaviour after your mum's death، it might be you wanting to control a situation after your loss of control over your mum's behaviour and death, especially as you have the unresolved guilt for not being there before she died.

I've seen many situations where the desire for control after grief kicks in. Sometimes it comes after the shock and fear of a sudden death. It is a scary time and the feeling of control makes you falsely believe you can control the unexpected nature of a sudden death. But it is often irrational and misplaced. Better to get therapy if that is the case, as you don't want it to become an ongoing thing affecting your relationship with your sister.

When you visited your mum did you never spend a y time with your sister? Surely it would have been possible to talk with her and ask her how she was.

My sister and I are also very different people and have had our differences in the past. Now both our parents have gone I'm not sure what our relationship will look like going foward, or if we'll even have one.

However I think your feelings towards your sister are probably more to do with your feelings about your mum and all that entails.

I hope you manage to find a way to make some peace with the situation as letting it eat you up inside is only hurting you and risking damaging your relationship with your sister. Whatever problems your mum had, I'm sure that isn't what she'd want for you.

I voted YABU as everyone grieves differently, including you op (getting angry at how others are grieving 'wrong' is also a form of grief 💐).

When my father died I didn't cry. Not until I was on my own around 10 months later and broke down. My brother recently died far too young and again I have felt nothing yet, but I know its coming to smack me in the face at some point.

I know some relatives have questioned my love for the deceased because I wasn't performing publicly.

Op tried a sly dig about that whole TWO WEEKS of no contact too.
"My sister went through a break up and dropped the visits and calls the 2 weeks before my mother passed. I continued calling but she was notorious for being less honest with me than my sister so it was hard to tell."
She will deny it, but that sounds very very very much like OP wants to blame her sister for her mother's death, but knows she cannot quite say that.

I wondered why this was mentioned too

You resent her for saying she wanted to be alone, when she was actually out and about.
She knew she was grieving differently from you and in ways you wouldn’t understand.
She knew you would want to grieve in your way, about the loss of a troubled woman. Your sister was managing something separate- guilt, relief and freedom from the burden of trying to keep her troubled mother alive.

You see her as a favourite, she was actually the one burdened with the daily care and responsibility of your mother.

She was grieving, but will also have been relieved. Which is her right.

All I get from this is that you blame your sister OP.

I feel so sorry for her that she gave up so much for someone who sounds truly awful.

Lots of people feel erotically charged as a persons to death, it’s actually quite common, I think you’ve completely misunderstood your sisters reaction

Your sister was 3 years off still being a teenager when she found your mum.

She was barely short of being a child. I think you really need to remember this when processing her behaviour and your expectations of her

I feel so bad for both of you but especially your sister. No child should have a parent like that.

Please ignore the horrible comments. You are clearly trying to do your best and it's very much loving, thoughtful and good enough. I really don't understand what people get out of being so unkind to others who are suffering and working on becoming better. Wishing you and your sister some peace.

Your Sister grew up with an abusive Mother and you didn't. It is not hard to see why your reactions were different. She needs your love not your judgment.

People won’t grieve the same way or react in a linear way to death.

I can appear to be extremely unemotional, and others might perceive me as ‘cold’ because I literally just make a few jokes and carry on with life. If I do shed a few tears, it’s always alone and I never let anyone see or know.

I find people who outwardly express grief really strange, but I appreciate that’s just me and that people are different (and I’m probably the odd one out!)

YABU to judge how another person behaves in that situation. There is no textbook for grief that you must follow. People do what they’ve got to do.