To find the phrase ‘Could I please’ grating

[autumnrains2]

Does anyone else find the phrasing ‘Could I please…’ and ‘Could you please…’ grating and actually slightly passive aggressive? It’s used a lot by people at work and always bothers me slightly. ‘Please could I…’ and ‘Please could you…’ just sounds so much nicer and I don’t even know why!

Compare:

’Could I please have the report by 3pm?’

with

‘Please could I have the report by 3pm?’

The latter just sounds far better to my ears.

DH thinks I’m being ridiculous and there’s literally no difference, but I think there is. AIBU?

Please at the beginning grates on my ears. It sounds like something from Oliver Twist

There is literally no difference 🤣 it's a you thing. Don't mention it to people in real life

Haha, good to know! 🤣

I prefer using 'can' to 'could' and don't mind which way round.

I’d like the report by 3pm please.

Just to throw in another, more assertive, option!

To me they sound the same. But I do get irrational dislike of certain words or phrases. I have a couple, and of course it's not the fault of the person who says them, but it still annoys me! If anyone offers me a "slice" of cake, I have to bite my tongue not to say "PIECE! It's a piece of cake, not a bloody slice" 😂

I worked for someone many years ago who liked us to phrase requests like this

I would be grateful if you could........

I find it difficult to say why, but I agree with you. Is it because the “please” seems like lip service as it’s in the middle of the sentence?

furthermore if the emphasis was on the “please” i.e. “can you PLEASE have the report to me by three” it’s definitely passive aggressive imo.

Hooray! Someone agrees with me 🤣 I think you’re right, it’s the emphasis that riles slightly…

Oh my, I’d not even considered can versus could!

I’m with you on this one, I don’t mind “please” at the beginning or end of the sentence (or even left out completely), but having it in that position just seems passive aggressive. No idea why, though. Perhaps some grammarians could come along and enlighten us?

I think I'd just be glad that the person making the request is being polite about it.

That’s the thing, I don’t find “Could I please…” especially polite. More passive aggressive. Perhaps it’s because when I read it, I imagine the person who’s saying it having a slightly impatient, haughty tone. No idea why!

Are there any grammar experts out there who can/could enlighten us further?

Actually could and can both mean "are you able" so in both these cases technically the person is not asking if you will do something, but if you are able to do something.

"Can" is a present tense, and "could" is either the simple past tense of can or
a modal verb used to express possibility, past ability, polite requests, and conditional situations.

(Description taken from google AI search results and I wasn't able to express it better)

When I was younger I could stay up all night. Past tense

If we arrive early enough, we could eat when we get there. Conditional situation

But it does say that it is acceptable for a polite request.

Sorry I know that's a slight detailing of the point of the thread.

What about " Could/can I have the report by 3pm please?" just to give another option (although really it should be "May I" )

My first boss was Scottish and instead of things like can and shall, used to say "Will I check your report before you send it to the client?" "Will we get a taxi to the meeting?"

It used to make me want to reply "I dunno, I'm not psychic love"

So what's the alternative?

Give it to me?

Can I have?

Could you not do that?

”Please could I..” is very English to my ear and just wouldn’t be a natural way for me to speak. I’m not sure why but find it slightly childish and twee.

I wouldn’t notice the difference. A lot is also in the tone of voice and expression no matter what the words are.

I dislike can because the more literal of my colleagues will say that they can and that's where the conversation ends.

Could is something very different!

I don’t mind “could I please” but I guess it depends on who is saying it.

The phrase that grates me is “can I ask”.. why are you asking permission when you’re not waiting for the answer?

Could I please ask, Can I ask - are mildly passive aggressive to my ears/eyes.
Please could you is politer.

I'm just relieved I don't work with you.

Surely that's a very normal way to make a request?

I usually put please at the end of the sentence, unless I put the person's name at the end so it will either be
Can you do x for me please Sam or
Sam, can you do x for me please