To find the phrase ‘Could I please’ grating

[autumnrains2]

Does anyone else find the phrasing ‘Could I please…’ and ‘Could you please…’ grating and actually slightly passive aggressive? It’s used a lot by people at work and always bothers me slightly. ‘Please could I…’ and ‘Please could you…’ just sounds so much nicer and I don’t even know why!

Compare:

’Could I please have the report by 3pm?’

with

‘Please could I have the report by 3pm?’

The latter just sounds far better to my ears.

DH thinks I’m being ridiculous and there’s literally no difference, but I think there is. AIBU?

You are being completely and utterly ridiculous.

There is no difference between these phrases.

Is is absurd that you believe people have some negative intent from one and not the other.

I don’t mind either of those tbh OP, but what does grate is someone saying: “Could we please finish that report by 5pm.” Like we’re all going to write it together or something when in fact it’ll be just me.

Why?

Why is it not slice?

That's a you thing, it's your interpretation.

You're projecting!

I can't see anything wrong with it.

Actually that sounds fine to me! I think like a previous poster said, it’s the emphasis on “Could I PLEASE” that makes it sound passive aggressive.

You’ve made your feelings known. Now could you please make no further comment 🤣

It's all just small stuff. Not worth getting riled up about.
Have a slice of cake. 🍰

It's funny how people hear or take things differently. I agree with the OP, 'could you please....' sounds more like a command to me, whereas putting please at the start is a polite request.

Also, when I read it can hear a greater emphasis on the word 'please' which almost makes the person sound pissed off:

Please could you be quiet?

Could you PLEASE be quiet.

I’d say ‘May I please have the report by 3pm.’

Not a grammar expert but I tend to use would.

would you be able to get the XYZ report to me by 15:00

that also give the opportunity for the person to explain why they might not be able to. If you NEED it by 15:00 then that might be a whole other thread! 😅

Totally agree with you OP. This bothers me daily and I amend it in my head 🙃

This.

”May I have the report by this evening “ would be more correct. An English teacher years ago demonstrated the subtle difference between “can”and “may” by answering requests to “Can I” with “You can but you may not”.
A Polish colleague once told me that she couldn’t abide all the pussy footing and begging that was common in our office when asking people to do something that was clearly within the remit of their role.

This!

Another kindred spirit 😆

How about “could you please get the report to myself by …”
or

”please could yourself send the report to myself please…”

I exaggerate but the whole myself/yourself and double ‘pleases’ used by some people annoys me!

[myself is off to Pedant’s Corner; yourself should head over too…]

YABU - please should govat the end!

Team DH here.

You are being ridiculous.

I agree with you. Putting 'please' later in the sentence sounds as if they have already asked a few times and you haven't done it so they are now a little bit annoyed with you. Putting 'please' at the start of the sentence is more neutral/polite.

Despite being an annoying pedant, I've never thought about this before!
Now I have (oh, you'll regret this @autumnrains2):

Please is a contraction of "If you please" or "If it pleases you", etc.

In olde-worlde speak, one might say "If it please you, could you fetch the apothecary?"

or "Would you take a slice of pigeon pie, if you please?"

but not "Could I, if it pleases you, close the shutters?" because that's just weird. You're sticking the courtesy in the middle of your request, where it breaks up the sense and sounds like you're more interested in grovelling than stopping the draught. It's unctuous: the sort of thing a nervous curate might say to the lady of the manor.

Heh, I enjoyed that even if nobody else did. Cheers, OP!

Maybe it would be better framed as a question about the capacity to deliver the report by 3: ‘can you get the report to me by 3 please?’ Then the emphasis is on what action is needed rather than the expectations? Maybe the ‘please’ is redundant in that case? It’s a question rather than an expectation of delivery by a certain time with the authority behind the request thinly veiled by a social convention of politeness.
in fact, that’s probably what is annoying you OP: it’s the pretence that there’s a choice about time of deliver when actually the person asking is in charge. If it were a genuine request between equals, it would be : ‘I need the report by 3; can you do that?’

It’s because it smacks of passive aggression (which is endemic). I agree that there’s no real difference but it does feel more aggressive.

”Please” is quite an aggressive word anyway. It masquerades as a friendly, collaborative and consensual word but it actually means “do as I say now”.

Options -
I need you to do this report now

Be a lamb and get this for me

Do me a solid and get this off today.

"Please " is beginning to sound less bad.

I think it sounds different.

“Please could..” is a request with a pleading note.

“Could you please…” is a request with an instructive note.

”I’d like …..please” is an instruction.