Partner unemployed for two years

[Greenfinger1]

My partner has been unemployed for two years. I'm so close to giving up.

She had a redundancy payout that covered the first year and, I've been covering(just) everything ever since.

What annoys me is that she has some addictions - alcohol and weed. We keep getting caught in a loop where I get to the point of ending it and then her apologizing and saying she'll stop the weed/alcohol only to start again a few days/week at most later. Now I earn okay an okay amount but, we are struggling to make ends meet partly because I also have two children from my previous relationship (ex had an affair with her boss) that I pay maintenance for hence, we are just about breaking even.

She shows no motivation to get a job. All the jobs she has applied for are ones that I've either completed the application or pushed her to apply for. She has my debit card and I don't want to be that person quizzing about why 50% of the shop is on alcohol.

The worst thing she's done so far is change up £500 worth of Euro's that were mine and I'd been keeping for a Christmas market trip for us all this year. This was to pay for her weed as she wanted to hide it.

She has some form of mental health issues(maybe bipolar) her mum has that and I can see similarities. She went to the doctor a few years ago and he prescribed her anti-depressants but she refused to take them because she said her Mum takes those and the effects are bad. I feel that most of the bipolar traits are to do with the weed smoking.

What do I do. I would feel awful to leave her and sell up. I know she'd squander her half on booze/drugs and likely end up homeless. I have the kids every weekend and I've resorted to staying at my Mum's with them over the past month because the weekend is when she feels like she should be allowed to drink/smoke but obviously takes it too far.

She's a nice person when sober but, literally she's only sober until about 4pm. I then have her angry trait after alcohol or her dopey state after weed to deal with. I literally dread the evenings and try to do other things like work late, go for a run or to the allotment (summer time).

I feel like I've given her so many chances now. But I also feel guilty that I should be showing more empathy and supporting her.

Another thing of relevance is that she started going through menopause about 3 years ago. And I know that this hasn't helped but, I've tried to understand as much as possible. It's the main reason I started looking at this website!

Would I be unreasonable to end it?

End it. Nothing will ever change.

You don’t feel that you can have your kids around her because of her behaviour. That says it all really. For that reason alone you need to end it.

She is choosing drugs and alcohol over being a partner sharing finances. And no interest in providing a safe space for your kids . It's a shame but I think you will have to end the relationship. She has a stronger relationship with her addictions .

You sound like a kind and empathetic person, I am too, but people like us often put others’ needs before our own, at the detriment of our own wellbeing. You absolutely should end it if she’s been like this for 2 years and you’ve given her multiple chances to change and she hasn’t. If you don’t you’ll just end up bitter and full of resentment that you wasted so many years on her. Be strong, you can do it!

Give her an ultimatum. You do this again and I will leave, with the kids. X

I think I know deep down. The few days that she gets sober are great but, I always feel bad because I'm the one changing her. She explains that she had a difficult childhood and that's what led her to drinking/drugs.

When we first met I thought she was just bubbly when out socially. It was only since we moved in together that I realised she drank everyday and that she smoked weed! It was the day we moved in and she asked me whether I wanted to try some - I thought it was a joke. We were both contributing equally financially back then and moving in seemed ideal for us both without the relationship being too serious! I guess I wasn't really in the right frame of mind after what had happened in my previous relationship. Her father then passed away and we became closer because she needed my support.

Just end it. Will never change or get better.

You have been a saint to put up with her for so long. You have given her enough changes. End it. Do it for your children.

If you stay with her, you will end up enabling her addictions. She needs to come to the realisation that only she can help herself.

Sorry but your children deserve better than this and if you do not prioritise them then they may resent you as adults.

You'd be mad to stay with her honestly.

You have to end it. You know it op.

It’s not doing you, your children, or your dp any good if you stay because the current situation is enabling her behaviour.

You sound very kind and sympathetic and as though you have given her many chances. She is now choosing to exploit that kindness.

You can’t fix her op. She has to want to do that herself.

She’s not a nice person at all. She’s sponging off you because she knows she can. She won’t change. Get rid. She’s not your responsibility. Your children are.

I would not have that in my life especially around kids. I’d end it.

You are an absolute mug. Don't leave, kick her out, that type will make it difficult to sell.

Of course you won't listen to that, will be more chances and no one will take her in. Debit card should be stopped now, if the drink wants to drink, she finds it herself.

You would be crazy to continue this relationship. This is someone who has taken your money and spent it drugs. Someone who you have to keep your children away from.

What on earth has convinced you they will enhance your life?

If you can't host your own kids in your own home that you pay for, surely that's the end point of your living arrangements.
Put them first, even if you can't put your needs above hers.

So she steals from you, makes herself and your home so unpleasant through excessive use of drugs that you don’t want to be in it or bring your children to it, and spends half of the money you provide for food on alcohol instead of?

Why would you consider staying?

This doesn’t necessarily sound like bipolar (one of the most misdiagnosed conditions)…. She just sounds like she’s taking the piss and possibly hiding behind a mental health condition.

She has my debit card

So, you are enabling her addictions by giving her free rein with your money. You need to get it back off her and end the "relationship"

You can't have known her very well before you moved in together if none of this was apparent beforehand.

You haven't done the work. You have been completely s**t on by your ex and then you have moved onto a relationship that is draining you. Your kids are suffering because of it. You need to finish it, get your own place independently and work on yourself so that you recognise your worth and you dont put up with this kind of rubbish. And dont move in with someone just because it seems easier. My ex cheated on me. Last year I dated and realised I was not having very high standards. I now do the work so i know my worth. Im going to be brutally honest with you - putting your kids in the situation where they don't have a safe home with you as their parent is unjustifiable. They should be number one on your list. She has had plenty of chances to change.

A lot of solicitors offer a free half hours advice

Book one of them to go through the options and what you are likley to get financially. Are you married? I assume you own the house jointly or is it as tenants in common?

I am sorry you are going through this. In my experience, when someone is self medicating bipolar with drugs/ drink, it doesn’t get better unless they are highly motivated to stop and have access to good quality support. I would tell her she needs to book an appointment with the NHS drug and alcohol services, andcall it a day on the relationship.

She sounds like a waster.

If my partner didn't work for 2 years (but had the ability to do so), I'd have so little respect for him and treat him like such shit, he wouldn't want to be with me anyway!

I'd leave and not look back.

This totally.
You have to save yourself and your children.
Leave her on the basis she has 6 months to clean up her act and get her life together.
If she does that's great and you can hopefully have a life together.
If she doesn't then that tells you all you need to know and you move on with your life.
OP nothing is going to change and it will likely get worse. Your partner sounds like she has an addictive personality and she needs a shock to make her get her act together.
Good luck OP, I hope you get the outcome you deserve.