Partner unemployed for two years

[Greenfinger1]

My partner has been unemployed for two years. I'm so close to giving up.

She had a redundancy payout that covered the first year and, I've been covering(just) everything ever since.

What annoys me is that she has some addictions - alcohol and weed. We keep getting caught in a loop where I get to the point of ending it and then her apologizing and saying she'll stop the weed/alcohol only to start again a few days/week at most later. Now I earn okay an okay amount but, we are struggling to make ends meet partly because I also have two children from my previous relationship (ex had an affair with her boss) that I pay maintenance for hence, we are just about breaking even.

She shows no motivation to get a job. All the jobs she has applied for are ones that I've either completed the application or pushed her to apply for. She has my debit card and I don't want to be that person quizzing about why 50% of the shop is on alcohol.

The worst thing she's done so far is change up £500 worth of Euro's that were mine and I'd been keeping for a Christmas market trip for us all this year. This was to pay for her weed as she wanted to hide it.

She has some form of mental health issues(maybe bipolar) her mum has that and I can see similarities. She went to the doctor a few years ago and he prescribed her anti-depressants but she refused to take them because she said her Mum takes those and the effects are bad. I feel that most of the bipolar traits are to do with the weed smoking.

What do I do. I would feel awful to leave her and sell up. I know she'd squander her half on booze/drugs and likely end up homeless. I have the kids every weekend and I've resorted to staying at my Mum's with them over the past month because the weekend is when she feels like she should be allowed to drink/smoke but obviously takes it too far.

She's a nice person when sober but, literally she's only sober until about 4pm. I then have her angry trait after alcohol or her dopey state after weed to deal with. I literally dread the evenings and try to do other things like work late, go for a run or to the allotment (summer time).

I feel like I've given her so many chances now. But I also feel guilty that I should be showing more empathy and supporting her.

Another thing of relevance is that she started going through menopause about 3 years ago. And I know that this hasn't helped but, I've tried to understand as much as possible. It's the main reason I started looking at this website!

Would I be unreasonable to end it?

Leave her. You are correct to not trust her.

If she was a man she'd be called a cocklodger on here.

I would end it OP.

Your girlfriend is the only one who can make the decision to tackle her addictions and get a proper diagnosis and treatment for her mental health issues (she needs to do that first before she can start looking for work).

You need to stop enabling her by staying and stop allowing to drag you down like this.

She needs to move out and sort herself out. The children come first, and she's right, you don't trust her around them. Is there a relative she can stay with?

I wouldn't necessarily end the relationship if you think there's still something there, but she can't live with you or see the kids until she's stopped self-medicating and engaged properly with medical support. I'd give her 6 months to make some meaningful progress, or I'd call time on the relationship then.

She's an addict, and an addict's only relationship is with their drug/s of choice.

It's all consuming, and is part of who they are.

She will. not. change.

Smoking, drinking and pissing her - and your - life away.

I'm sorry you've been dealt these bad hands. But you don't have to play them.

Run. Get out now. Take control of the rest of your life - and live it as you want.

Get those ducks in a row - accommodation, income, savings, look at property etc in your area, somewhere your children can come.

You already have to support yourself, and two children, and all the bills. Why add another responsibility to your limited resources?

All the best.

Easy to sort out someone else's life when you are not the one who is emotionally involved OP.
It sounds like your DP is becoming alcohol dependent.
If this is the case save yourself and save your children. The alcohol will win and it will only get harder for you, it is so, so sad but you can't save someone who doesn't want to save themselves.

Leave her as she is awful.

Dump her and get the house on the market, or can you buy her out if applicable?

Don't inflict the woman on your kids, being around an addict is an adverse childhood experience, it is trauma.
Strive to parent your kids at least 50%, not just a weekend father.

Having a drug and alcohol abuser in your life, in your home and by default around your children is a great way to get your contact with your children limited by a wary mother.

Think.

You sound lovely, but I’m afraid you’re not being a good parent since you’re exposing your children to heavy drinking and drugs.

They are little now. But soon, they’ll be adults and might very well turn against you for making the live this kind of life.

If you can't care for your own children in your own home then that's big red flag. There is no point in doing this little dance of "Stop or I'll leave" "Ok I will" and then back on the same merry-go-round. You need to make it abundantly clear that unless she gets support for her addictions then things will be over between you because you simply cannot expose your children to her behaviour.

Being out of work is the secondary issue - although clearly connected if your salary is funding her addictions - but again, think that if she was't spending money on her addictions then you would have more money to spend on your children. I would be making plans to leave if it were me. Enough is enough.

Yes end it. You talk about empathy for her but what about some for yourself? It is not fair for you to live this way. You have tried, she hasn't changed, this isn't your fault and you shouldn't have to put up with it. It's sad that she is this way but she's treating you badly.

Are you a partner in a loving relationship or are you a support worker providing finance for her addictions?

@Greenfinger1 on a practical note - arrange a food delivery for weekly essentials to be delivered in an evening when you are around.

She has to go if you want any chance of a happy future and a place that you and your children can relax in.

it may well be a year or two of shit whilst you sort out splitting and housing etc - but long term it will be a blip in the radar in 10 years time.

Get some legal advice pronto and stop giving her access to your debit card/valuables.

@Greenfinger1 I’d also run a credit check regularly on yourself to ensure she isn’t taking credit out in your name.

She can have her independence when she gets a job

You are still making excuses for her and therefore yourself. If you are anti drugs then why are you funding your alcoholic partner's drug taking. If you can't see this then you really are lost.

Mumsnet is anti benefits in a lot of ways. They are hardly wanting to see their taxes spent on weed or booze, for someone who is capable but who doesn't want to get a job.

I'm beginning to think that this is a wind up.

Stop paying for her drugs.

You are enabling the behaviour - she doesn't get a job because she doesn't have to. I bet she'd get one pretty quick if she had to put a roof over her head and buy her own booze.

Get your credit card back off her. You are enabling her. Order groceries online.

You can't fix her OP. You need to start putting your children first, this is NOT giving them stability.

This woman is nothing but a liability and a drain on your and your children's lives. Unfortunately staying with her means that you are also (inadvertently) enabling her destructive behavior.
If you don't get out she will take you down with her.

I've had some issues with alcohol over the years, and smoke a bit of weed. But her consumption is off the scale, £500 on weed is crazy. £20 worth lasts me 2 weeks. I still consume these things in moderation, but I work full time, look after my DC, house, garden, parents, etc.
The menopause / MH issues are no excuse for any of this. You sound nice, she sounds awful, and has zero respect for you or your DC. Seriously, get rid. She's not going to change while living under your roof. And, it's absolutely not your responsibility.