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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner unemployed for two years

73 replies

Greenfinger1 · 22/10/2025 00:13

My partner has been unemployed for two years. I'm so close to giving up.

She had a redundancy payout that covered the first year and, I've been covering(just) everything ever since.

What annoys me is that she has some addictions - alcohol and weed. We keep getting caught in a loop where I get to the point of ending it and then her apologizing and saying she'll stop the weed/alcohol only to start again a few days/week at most later. Now I earn okay an okay amount but, we are struggling to make ends meet partly because I also have two children from my previous relationship (ex had an affair with her boss) that I pay maintenance for hence, we are just about breaking even.

She shows no motivation to get a job. All the jobs she has applied for are ones that I've either completed the application or pushed her to apply for. She has my debit card and I don't want to be that person quizzing about why 50% of the shop is on alcohol.

The worst thing she's done so far is change up £500 worth of Euro's that were mine and I'd been keeping for a Christmas market trip for us all this year. This was to pay for her weed as she wanted to hide it.

She has some form of mental health issues(maybe bipolar) her mum has that and I can see similarities. She went to the doctor a few years ago and he prescribed her anti-depressants but she refused to take them because she said her Mum takes those and the effects are bad. I feel that most of the bipolar traits are to do with the weed smoking.

What do I do. I would feel awful to leave her and sell up. I know she'd squander her half on booze/drugs and likely end up homeless. I have the kids every weekend and I've resorted to staying at my Mum's with them over the past month because the weekend is when she feels like she should be allowed to drink/smoke but obviously takes it too far.

She's a nice person when sober but, literally she's only sober until about 4pm. I then have her angry trait after alcohol or her dopey state after weed to deal with. I literally dread the evenings and try to do other things like work late, go for a run or to the allotment (summer time).

I feel like I've given her so many chances now. But I also feel guilty that I should be showing more empathy and supporting her.

Another thing of relevance is that she started going through menopause about 3 years ago. And I know that this hasn't helped but, I've tried to understand as much as possible. It's the main reason I started looking at this website!

Would I be unreasonable to end it?

OP posts:
NigellaWannabe1 · 22/10/2025 07:00

Leave her. Don’t choose her comfort over yours or your children’s.

Boomer55 · 22/10/2025 07:01

Best end it and keep your kids away from this situation.

Bluffinwithmymuffin · 22/10/2025 07:03

Moving in seemed ideal for us both without the relationship being too serious…

It sounds as if you didn’t know each other very well when you started living together, yet your home is where you brought your children at the weekend. Now you don’t want to be the person quizzing why half the shopping bill is for alcohol - and your partner has your debit card.

You already know what you have to do - end the relationship - so do it, as kindly as you can, and think more carefully about who you share your life with in future.

Delphiniumandlupins · 22/10/2025 07:06

What good is your empathy and support actually doing? You can't change her addictive behaviour. She's not getting any better.

DrowningInSyrup · 22/10/2025 07:10

Her only redeeming quality seems to be she is OK until 4pm then she becomes a nightmare.

Get rid immediately. Concentrate on your children sell up and don't look back.

The only thing I will add is that it's quite rare for just one person to be stinking out the house with weed whilst the other abstains, so I would maybe consider what your role in this is too. At the very least you are enabling her and financially supporting her drug habit. That can't feel good.

Original poster
Greenfinger1 · 22/10/2025 07:31

Thank you for all the responses. I needed to hear that. Outside of closed doors everyone likes her and she's very chatty/nice to everyone she meets.

I am just constantly question whether it's a me thing. Am I trying to change her. She says that if she was more relaxed then the alcohol/weed wouldn't have such an impact on her behaviour.

You're right though, I owe this to my kids. They're my world. I don't know how I go about selling as she won't want to sell as she has no income whilst we own the house jointly. I stupidly went into this because I was hurting and just wanted to provide stability for my kids. At the time it all felt right. Of course I could just leave but then what do I do. I can't pay the old mortgage and afford to rent.

She's great with the kids (she couldn't have her own) but, now they're older they are obviously noticing. Before the weekend she will do sweet little things for them and they do appreciate it. But they're now understanding her issues. They know the real reason we're at Grandma's even though I've tried to say we're just trying to spend more time with her

At her brother's wedding last year she had too much and was asked to leave. We couldn't get an Uber/taxi so had to walk 15mins back to the air b&b. This was the first time the children saw her in a different light, whilst my 11 year old daughter had to tell her off and help me carry her back to the house. I know that they know despite me trying to hide it from them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenfinger1 · 22/10/2025 07:43

DrowningInSyrup · 22/10/2025 07:10

Her only redeeming quality seems to be she is OK until 4pm then she becomes a nightmare.

Get rid immediately. Concentrate on your children sell up and don't look back.

The only thing I will add is that it's quite rare for just one person to be stinking out the house with weed whilst the other abstains, so I would maybe consider what your role in this is too. At the very least you are enabling her and financially supporting her drug habit. That can't feel good.

I am totally anti-drug. I have never tried it, I could see the harm it did to some friends back in the day. Although they've all grown out of that phase. Before this I didn't even think drinking at home was a thing!

Don't get me wrong I liked and like a drink when I'm out but, at home I'd only ever have one on an occasion, BBQ etc For me, bliss is sitting back after work with a cup of tea. I hardly ever drink now even when out because I don't want to give her the excuse(not that it makes a difference).

I asked her to go and get the job seekers allowance. In the hope they would persuade her to get a job. I think this has back fired as she will use that money to fuel her habits :(

OP posts:
Shatteredallthetimelately · 22/10/2025 07:44

You could give all the ultimations you want but ultimately it's down to your DP to want to change and give up the drink and drugs, and they've shown that they don't want to long term.
I'd also imagine that you've said it so many times now and never followed through with what you say, so it's obvious to her that you aren't meaning what you say.

It's a shame that your DC can no longer live in their dads/own home of a weekend due to your DP's behaviour, maybe if you asked her to find somewhere else for those few days she'd start to believe that you're getting fed up with her behaviour, your DC should be your first priority.

I'd stop letting her use your debit card, food done by you as an online shop if needed, and get her to visit her Dr for some help, if she doesn't want to then it's time for you to move on.

Dozer · 22/10/2025 07:47

YABVU for prioritising your problem partner over your DC. Spending your time, energy, money and other resources.

End the relationship and do better as a parent!

ThejoyofNC · 22/10/2025 07:49

It's gotten to the point where she's stealing from you. How much worse are you going to let things get before you end things? How about when she steals from your children? When she puts them in danger? When she's drained you of every penny you have?

itsgettingweird · 22/10/2025 07:52

Your kids are your first priority and you don’t think she’s safe around them.

That alone is why you should end it.

BaconCheeses · 22/10/2025 07:54

You aren't breaking even and making ends meet because you have kids, you have an expensive hobby- funding your girlfriends.

Make a decision and follow legal advice to see it through.

Linenpickle · 22/10/2025 07:54

End it. She’s a liar, thief, druggie, sponger.

Goodadvice1980 · 22/10/2025 07:57

OP I’m sorry to read what your dp is doing, not just to you but the children.

It’s time for tough love, she needs to move out, get a job and make changes for herself (because she wants to). They always choose drugs over everything else. She has to want to change. Take back the debit card, stop enabling her by proxy.

Original poster
Greenfinger1 · 22/10/2025 08:04

Goodadvice1980 · 22/10/2025 07:57

OP I’m sorry to read what your dp is doing, not just to you but the children.

It’s time for tough love, she needs to move out, get a job and make changes for herself (because she wants to). They always choose drugs over everything else. She has to want to change. Take back the debit card, stop enabling her by proxy.

Thank you. I gave her the credit card in the first place because she had no independence and she had to keep asking before going to the shop.

I realise now the real reason she wants to do the shopping is because she wants to buy the alcohol. When we both worked I would be the one doing the weekly food shop! It's now turned into her doing it daily, I thought at first this is good for her to get her out of the house. But now I realise it's just a ploy to purchase alcohol and try to conceal it.

OP posts:
Evaka · 22/10/2025 08:07

Oh please end this. You actually cannot be in a relationship with an addict in any true sense.

ChatHeeBeeGez6298 · 22/10/2025 08:13

I am just constantly question whether it's a me thing. Am I trying to change her. She says that if she was more relaxed then the alcohol/weed wouldn't have such an impact on her behaviour.

It’s not you op, it’s her! ^^ This is quite manipulative of her to blame it on you I’m afraid. She is not taking responsibility for her own actions or mh issues.

I hate to say it because there are obviously good sides to her and she was obviously functioning well to be able to buy half of your home, but it’s almost like now she has a safe haven and a supporter and provider in you, she feels she can stop trying.

it sounds as though she is using drink and weed to subdue and manage her mh issues. Addicts are usually trying to suppress something or are seeking temporary relief from their symptoms. And her not working for a year is a hugely retrograde step.

I’m afraid that you need to step away op. Not working for a year and taking £500 to spend on weed is massively entitled and out of order.

SleepQuest33 · 22/10/2025 08:14

The very first time I would have seen her smoking weed woukd have been the end for me, I have no time for drug users.

Don’t waste any more time and money. Think about your children.

ThejoyofNC · 22/10/2025 08:23

Greenfinger1 · 22/10/2025 08:04

Thank you. I gave her the credit card in the first place because she had no independence and she had to keep asking before going to the shop.

I realise now the real reason she wants to do the shopping is because she wants to buy the alcohol. When we both worked I would be the one doing the weekly food shop! It's now turned into her doing it daily, I thought at first this is good for her to get her out of the house. But now I realise it's just a ploy to purchase alcohol and try to conceal it.

Show quote history

You have to realise that every decision she makes revolves around the drugs and alcohol. When she wakes up she's already thinking about it. I'd be very surprised if she was waiting until 4:00 to have a drink.

Does she supervise or drive your children? I'd stop that immediately and tell her why.

Whatsthatsheila · 22/10/2025 08:26

Kick her out. she’ll not change and even if she did get a job she’ll just lose it anyway cos she’s probably too far gone with addiction to function

You have children your priority is them… from what I’ve seen she doesn’t have kids so even if it comes down to one buying out the other out I think you’d get the house on that basis. What she does with her share of the equity is on her. She’s not your responsibility- your kids are.

However you do need advice from a solicitor as while not married you do share an asset. Whatever you do get the goddamn card off her and check your credit report. And make sure she’s not get any access to post etc - chances are she’s probably got credit elsewhere in your name or she’ll attempt too when you boot her out.

if she has then you also need to report it to police for fraud and get it off your credit file.

you may not have an option but to sell because of your credit score. You’ll probably not be able to remortgage to buy out but you need to get her off the deeds so you aren’t jointly liable

you need a good solicitor - and you should have kicked her out when the drink and drugs were a thing. Stop feeling sorry for this waste of space that’s taking you for a ride

Original poster
Greenfinger1 · 22/10/2025 08:32

ThejoyofNC · 22/10/2025 08:23

You have to realise that every decision she makes revolves around the drugs and alcohol. When she wakes up she's already thinking about it. I'd be very surprised if she was waiting until 4:00 to have a drink.

Does she supervise or drive your children? I'd stop that immediately and tell her why.

Show quote history

I avoid her driving them anywhere. She has a friend with twins my daughter's age. They stay over there for Eurovision and a few other times each year. I always insist on driving them. She only supervises when one of them doesn't want to do something but the other one does.. so it's only ever a short space of time.

This does lead to arguments though and me being accused of not trusting her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenfinger1 · 22/10/2025 09:15

Writing it down makes things look so much clearer.

I have a busy job and think I've been hiding behind that.

OP posts:
nutbrownhare15 · 22/10/2025 09:18

You only get one life. Don't waste yours.

JHound · 22/10/2025 09:18

I would walk.

user593 · 22/10/2025 09:21

Leave. I had an ex like that, unemployed for around the same amount of time, had to push him to do applications, etc. He got a job within a month of me leaving him, and I never got the £1,000s back I’d wasted on him.