Am I expecting too much from friends whilst on mat leave?

[Marmite1992]

Hi everyone,
I just want to get some advice on whether iabu or how to approach this with my friends.
We have all had babies within a few months of each other which is amazing and are all subsequently on mat leave together. We are first time mums, my baby is the youngest. I am finding it quite easy to get out and about and really don't want to be sat at home all day with my baby. I envisioned us all meeting up at least once a fortnight for coffee etc and truth is we've barely seen each other at all. I know people all are different when they have children but I feel I'm the only one suggesting plans and sometimes my messages are completely ignored or they flake out last minute. I have driven an hour to see them and they don't stay long and it's starting to really get to me. I really cherish these friendships and I'm starting to wonder if I should bother. I had to ask one friend if she would come and meet my baby as she made no effort to initiate this even though I saw all their little ones when heavily pregnant and made a huge fuss. I don't want to be rude to them or not be understanding if they are finding it harder than me but is it really unreasonable to think going for a walk and a coffee for an hour isn't that difficult?!

The answer seems to be yes right now you want more get together than your friends do.

You have an easy baby. You got lucky. Not everyone is in the same position.

allow your friends some grace. They may be struggling to do the most basic self-care, let alone get out for a meet up.

Perhaps this other current thread was posted by one of your friends?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5430947-am-i-right-to-think-people-with-easy-babies-have-no-idea

Babies are all different. They are probably finding it harder than you. My first baby I did a lot of flaking too, my next two were really easy.

If they were my friends, I would be worried about them, not annoyed that they didn't want to meet for coffee. That other thread is definitely worth reading, if you need some help understanding why they might be struggling.

Doesn't mean you have to sit at home though, maybe try some baby groups near you and make some new mum friends who do like getting out of the house.

I'd like to clarify I'm always there for my friends and if we have any issues with our babies we are very close and discuss it in our group chat. Also my baby isn't super easy but I just prioritise getting out for my mental health rather than sometimes showering or brushing my teeth 😅 I get everyone is different. I think I will just join some other groups and not suggest any plans to them, I hope they eventually come back as we have been friends for 20 years and these really are my people!
Just a hard pill to swallow and I miss my friends tbh

Ah that is shit.

You would’ve thought everyone would want to meet up for a coffee, even just to whinge about how hard it is looking after a baby etc.

I don’t think there’s much more you can do though unfortunately. I’d perhaps try and find some Mum friends while you’re off work and occasionally message your other friends to see if anyone wants to meet up.

Hopefully as things get easier, they will want to come out and about more. I wonder if they are anxious about taking a (potentially) crying baby to a cafe or something?

My tricky baby wouldn't sleep out of the house, instead melting down until she was home, making the experience horrible for everyone. Too nosy I think, didn't have the same issue with the other two. It wasn't that I wasn't 'prioritising' getting out over other things, I felt like I didn't have much of a choice? All babies are different. I think people just need to do what helps then survive in the first year, for you it might be leaving the house, for others it will be different.

Me and my best pal were on maternity leave together, we saw more of each other the following year when we were both back at work.

You have a easier baby than them. Yabu. They probably don’t even know what day it is especially if they have more than one.

If you can get out, your baby is relatively easy. Some just scream and scream every second you aren’t holding them and much of the time that you are it you aren’t doing exactly what they need in terms of movement.

It sounds to me like they are finding it hard.
My little one’s temperament is hard compared to most of my friends babies. Screamed in the car, would never be put down other than very occasionally in a baby swing for a couple of minutes. Won’t sleep without me. Used to breastfeed constantly for 5 hours twice a day with other feeds in between too. At one point I couldn’t imagine him being off the boob for 20mins let alone a few hours.

As you can imagine this made it very hard to go anywhere but also my mental health was a bit of a wreck.

I don’t think any of my friends knew quite the extent of it.

I’d say try not to take it personally, keep offering invitations and one day they will feel more able to come.

Congratulations on your little one 😊

I get what people are saying about difficult babies but their babies don't seem difficult because they tell me everything that their baby is doing or how their acting so I don't really get it if I'm honest. When we do meet up my baby is the one crying lol I wonder if I am just coping better with the lack of sleep and if so I'm very lucky and I guess I can't see why they can't meet up for an occasional coffee (being really honest!)
And I'm bit miffed at carting my baby everywhere to accommodate when it isn't that easy and they stay for less time than it took for me to get there.

That sounds hard! I feel a bit sad as I don't see as much of my friends as I would like to but most of them are childfree.

Some people just have different expectations of mat leave. They might be seeing a lot of family or their nct group or just watching a lot of TV. It might not actually be their babies are difficult just they are staying close to home for whatever reason. You probably will see more of them when babies are older. Are the babies old enough to leave/ could you do an evening out?

You also need local mat leave friends who you can do impromptu coffees and walks. Try local baby groups or see if there's a WhatsApp or walking group you can join. Having a local "village" really is SO helpful.

My first born was a really tricky baby. I really struggled, even getting out the door to walk around the block took hours. Let alone meet up with people. I felt really judged by other friends who seemed to find it easier to get out and about. When I had my second I was astonished at the difference. I’d done nothing different but my youngest was so easy in that respect. Don’t get me wrong it was hard work, it’s all hard work. But I could pop him in the pram or sit him down in the bouncer or to play while i got dressed and he’d be be fine for a short while compared to my eldest who just screamed constantly if not held. All babies are different. Being on mat leave is lovely but sometimes a bit isolating so it’s understandable you are wishing to have more connection. Could you go to some baby groups to widen your circle? Or offer to go to your friends houses if that’s possible?

It sounds like you’re not all local? I just wanted to stay very local during my Mat leaves. I made friends through NCT and baby classes and mostly just met up with those mums rather than travelling ages to see other friends. I’d prioritise making a new mum group locally at this stage.

No way I could have my babies in a car seat for an hour. They would have just screamed the whole time.

I empathise op. However when I had my DD, I found getting out and about with her a lot even though she was a very good baby. By the time I checked the baby bag had enough clothes nappies wipes etc, decided if and how much formula I needed to bring with me, got her dressed and ready, got myself ready, changed her nappy because of course she pooped just before we're due to leave. Never mind getting myself dressed and ready. It was overwhelming for me to have a plan, so I rarely made them. I only found since DD (who is over 2.5 years old now) was potty trained 6 months ago that getting out with her so much easier with only needed a small change of clothes and wipes in case of an accident (which thankfully we haven't needed in 5 months but I bring it with me anyway). I say this just to bring the perspective that all the rigmarole around taking a baby out can be too much even with an easy baby who sleeps. It will get better and in a year you'll most likely be regularly getting together with all the DC.

If you’re travelling so much I’m guessing these friends aren’t especially local? Which could have a lot to do with it. I’d have hated having my babies in the car for ages and disrupting naps etc just to grab coffees. Do you have local friends? The people I saw most on my maternity leave were my NCT friends we all lived super close, saw them most weeks, did baby classes etc together. We’re still very close now.

We live in London so it takes bloody ages to get anywhere even if the distance isn't actually that far lol
I appreciate all of your replies, I think I will just try to widen my circle and I am lucky to have a great local mum's group, I just don't know them that well atm so I miss my friends who I can chat to about anything. Thank you I do feel better for posting this just to get it off my chest! Maternity leave really can be isolating

I met with my friends a lot during maternity leave but we all live close. You mention driving an hour to see them. I would not have been up for that at all. If you live an hour away then it’s not really easy to just meet up for breakfast/lunch, it’s taking up the full day really

I could barely walk for the first 3 months after my first, spent a further 6 months building myself back up physically - thinking of meeting friends wasn't part of my recovery plans. I hardly told ANYONE about my traumatic birth for the first year.

Second and third time around I was desperate to meet up with folks and it was lovely. I'm sorry you're feeling left out but try not to think they're just abandoning you they might have stuff going on.
I'm sure once they're all toddlers and you're out of the newborn haze and every one is looking for play dates you'll all get back together!

I think you sound like a really social, friendly, positive person and that's a great thing.

If I was in your situation I'd be thinking "Ok, so this is my life now" but it's refreshing to see that your outlook is "Ok, so I'll make some new friends".

Hopefully this is a short-term blip during a stressful period for your existing circle but if it's not, I'm sure you'll have a choice of circles to meet up with, before too long.

Aw I really feel for you OP, I also am a very let’s get out of the house person and was constantly roaming the streets with my prammed baby, yearning for chats with anyone! I found it very lonely, boring and isolating. I used to do lots of baby groups locally and met some mums that way, but no one really that became a good friend. It’s a shame your friends aren’t quite as up for it as you are. Have you tried asking them gently why? You seem to think they’re fine and their babies are not too tricky, maybe they’re just people that don’t mind being in the house not seeing people all day. They might not be thinking the same as you. Good luck, it does get easier - school is much more fun!

So stop doing it, so you can stop resenting them for not accommodating themselves to how long you think they should stay out to make it worth your travel time?

In fact, isn’t it possible that’s the issue here? They simply don’t want to stay out for as long as you do to make the trip worth your while, so they think it’s better to cancel rather than watch you being visibly disappointed or irritated when they want to go home again after a quick 40-minute coffee, when you’ve driven an hour?

Some mums don’t want to admit they are having baby problems, just be there but remember you have a baby now too