Am I expecting too much from friends whilst on mat leave?

[Marmite1992]

Hi everyone,
I just want to get some advice on whether iabu or how to approach this with my friends.
We have all had babies within a few months of each other which is amazing and are all subsequently on mat leave together. We are first time mums, my baby is the youngest. I am finding it quite easy to get out and about and really don't want to be sat at home all day with my baby. I envisioned us all meeting up at least once a fortnight for coffee etc and truth is we've barely seen each other at all. I know people all are different when they have children but I feel I'm the only one suggesting plans and sometimes my messages are completely ignored or they flake out last minute. I have driven an hour to see them and they don't stay long and it's starting to really get to me. I really cherish these friendships and I'm starting to wonder if I should bother. I had to ask one friend if she would come and meet my baby as she made no effort to initiate this even though I saw all their little ones when heavily pregnant and made a huge fuss. I don't want to be rude to them or not be understanding if they are finding it harder than me but is it really unreasonable to think going for a walk and a coffee for an hour isn't that difficult?!

I just think everyone responds differently. I've had easy babies but I still dislike socialising with my babies/toddlers because I find it really hard to focus on my friends and my baby at the same time. I just feel distracted constantly and socializing feels hard work.

I also think everyone babies have different routines and timings and it's probably quite hard to prioritize what your baby needs if your making social plans.

Plus they could just be having a difficult time with a challenging baby or PND or something. You never know.

Also I'm a bit of an introvert so I'm more inclined to want to socialize when I'm well rested/ not got loads on my plate, which is basically never when you have a baby.

Maybe meet up without the babies.

I remember years ago when my children were grown, having coffee in John Lewis in London. On the next table was a young woman with a beautiful baby who could have been no more than a month old.
the mum and I made eye contact and I commented on her lovely child - but also how impressed I was with her. I told her I never got out of my PJs until mine were about 6 months old and here was she, out shopping, looking relaxed and beautifully groomed.
Obvs my point was, and is, that mothers adapt to motherhood at different rates - clearly your friends aren’t as ready for socialising as you are. But they will be. Be patient.

90% of the time I just wanted to be home, didn’t need groups etc

I think you need to be careful assuming that everything is fine with them. The first year everyone is comparing stories and actually it becomes hard to join in when you perhaps realise you are finding it harder or maybe your baby isn't doing things at the same rate as the others. Maybe they appear to have easy babies and you think they would tell you if they were finding it tough, but actually that can be really hard to admit.
Also you don't know the impact on their relationship if they have partners. Maybe you have a partner who is supportive, helps out at night, compared to a friend who is doing all the night feeds and has a partner who doesn't pull their weight around the home, expects dinner waiting for example.
Definitely go to groups and meet other people.

If yours is the youngest maybe they're down to the point in mat pay where it's just statutory, and they're keeping an eye on what they're spending.

Alternatively maybe they just aren't seeing mat leave as an opportunity to see friends more often like you are. On mat leave with my second baby I completed my chartered qualification, watched all the TV shows I'd been putting off because of work, read lots of books, had lots of walks, saw family, just had 9 months of doing whatever I wanted with a baby in tow. I love my friends but I was happy with the level I saw them prior to mat leave.

I don’t think you should take it personally and instead of being upset with your friends… give them some grace.

Maternity leave looks different for everyone. You may be happy to drive an hour to see friends with your baby but your friends may find the idea of travelling an hour with their baby hell. They may be happy at home with baby or visiting local groups,

If you are close enough and feel really down could you reach out to your friends, tell them you miss them and arrange a date to meet up OR a mum’s evening out?