To be annoyed my FIL still uses DWs maiden name

[Pregnancyquestion]

DW and I have been married for 9 years today - (both female, which I think is relevant to the story). My DW took my surname as I didn’t want to change my name and it was important to DW that we share a surname as we planned to have children. I would have been happy with both of us keeping our names but the decision was made.

It was my DWs birthday yesterday and a late present arrived today from FIL addressed to wife using her maiden name. DW late GM also did the same before she died. I just laughed but DW is annoyed. Her family don’t do this to her DSis who has been married for 10 years to a man. I do understand why she’s annnoyed though, but we will just ignore it and move on. I don’t know if it will bother me more though if he continues this for our baby when it is born, as the baby will only have my surname.

I guess my question is this is rude right or are we overthinking it?

I think it depends. Im heterosexual and I kept my own name. My husband granddad always writes cards calling my Mrs (husbands surname). But hes really old and conservative. I don't take it personally.

So I think it depends whether its just absentmindedness, a fondness for their family name or something negative like questioning the legitimacy of your marriage and choices in life.

I'd consider it in the context of how they usually are with you and about your relationship.

I mean it's annoying but it mainly reflects poorly on him doesn't it?

Whether you should be annoyed depends on whether DW has felt able to express how she feels to her father and what their relationship is like generally, if he has said unkind things when she has pointed out she has taken her wife's name - how he is treating her in other words.

Although I understand you are taking this as him 'downgrading' your marriage due to prejudice etc, (and he probably is) you shouldn't make it about you I don't think.

Your wife is going to have to keep saying she is Mrs /Ms pregnancy question, every time, it is really disrespectful. Saying that my dd has a double barrelled married name and I sometimes forget and just write her maiden name 😳

Well his other daughter is married to a man and is always referred to by the correct name.

Although I do wonder if he were hoping that she would pass on the family name, rather than questioning the legitimacy of our marriage.

The relationship is a difficult one though, so it will just be ignored as it’s not really the end of the world

I would say over thinking. People just don't know or remember.

The fact they respect the heterosexual sister’s name change and not your wife’s show it’s a deliberate mark of disrespect.

Evidently they view the marriage between a man and woman as more “genuine” than that between two women. Or maybe they are just sexist and can understand a man bestowing his name on a woman but not anything different to this. I would have it out with them.

I think a lot of people simply ignore what you want, and have chosen, and simply do what they think is "right". My decision to keep my maiden name is often ignored by family members, and some also rename the DC (who have double barrelled surnames) to just DH's name. It irritates the hell out of me, but knowing the people involved, they are not unkind, just very old fashioned and I rather expect believe their version is the legal "truth" and my way being a faddy preference. If it bothers you/her that much, have you spoken with him?

So you think he is irritated she changed her name ?

People are so weird, judgy and basically shit! I heard somebody say once, and I fully believe this, that if somebody decides to call themselves X name or Y pronoun, then it’s meaningful enough to them to do this, so what does it matter to the likes of me to challenge this … absolutely!
I bloody hate it when people are just useless! Hopefully it’s out of forgetfulness rather than being judgy twats!

Convenient how he can “know / remember” for the other married daughter though.

Although I do wonder if he were hoping that she would pass on the family name, rather than questioning the legitimacy of our marriage.

This is probably the reason, does he question why it was your name that won the lottery? Maybe a double barrel is more apt?

It really doesn’t affect you. It’s her name and her father, not yours. It’s for her to choose to raise with her father if she wants to and thinks it’s worth it.

I also wouldn’t worry about ‘what he’s going to call the baby.’ I’ve never known a grandparent address their grandchild by their first name and surname…

Did he write the label or is it from an online company?

I was bemused a few weeks ago when a small parcel turned up in my maiden name - my dad had ordered me some random thing off eBay, and he obviously hadn't done that since before I got married 8yrs ago!

I think your DW should say ‘By the way dad, my surname is now Smith, the same as Pregnancy’s, I changed it when I got married, just like my sister changed her name.’

I get this and even after parcels have been returned because I’ve been unable (or rather refused) to collect them from the post office due to lack of ID, it still continues. It’s not a mistake; it’s deliberate.

YANBU.

This. ^

@Pregnancyquestion

Sadly, some people will not take the relationship between a same sex couple, as seriously as one with a hetero couple. I have seen this a few times in real life. From extended family members, to neighbours to work colleagues, and employers.

If it makes you feel any better, these same people don't take a couple's relationship very seriously if they're not married. (Even hetero couples.) I have known cases (eg) of a couple being married for 5 years (together 8,) and the husband has died. The widow has been given a week's compassionate leave from work, and had a collection (of money) done for her, had flowers sent to her, and flowers sent to the funeral, and lots of sympathy and understanding.

Then in a couple who had been together 20 years/living together for 18, but never married, the woman's partner died, and the woman who was left bereft, didn't get a single minute of compassionate leave, or any flowers, or even a card. Very little sympathy - if any at all. Because they weren't married.

Some people don't recognise same sex relationships as much as they do hetero ones. Also, I know 4 same sex female couples right now, who met their current partner, and moved in with them within a few weeks. And they always do this. Then they split within a year. So when they do get a new partner (and move in together quickly,) many people don't take them seriously. I know a few same sex male couples who behave in a similar manner. (Get serious very quickly, move in together quite quickly, and then it fizzles out quickly.)

nb: obviously not all same sex couples do this, but some I know do - and have.

@Pregnancyquestion there's almost 100% chance that your wife's family are doing this deliberately... If you'd said you'd been married for a year or two, I would say, that maybe it's accidental, but after 9 years of marriage? No way.

@Pregnancyquestion Also, Happy Anniversary @Pregnancyquestion to you and your wife! (For today...)

Well strangely he can remember for his other daughter who is married to a man....

She needs to speak to him, if she wants to.

I did not change my surname when I get married and actually really dislike that people still do this, regardless of sexual orientation.
I also can’t get my head round the reasoning that it’s because you want to have DC - yes, normalise archaic tradition for a whole new generation. I hate twee signs popping up for Christmas decorations for Team Smith or whatever. But that said I call everyone whatever name they ask because it’s their name.

Well I’ve already said it didn’t bother me but my wife was annoyed, and I can understand why. He’s also a Amazon granddad, and sends multiple parcels a month addressed to DSIL daughters, so I should imagine he will be the same with our baby and so yes I think it’s very possible that be receiving parcels shortly for Baby Maiden Name. I’m not sure if that will bother me or not.

Well we didn’t want to double barrel as our name would get ridiculous and DW wants to have the same name as our children. So there was no consideration to the future christmas decoration potential lol

That’s awful, I can’t believe that happened after a 20 year relationship!

I’ve been married more than twenty years and my father still addresses mail and cards to me using my maiden name. I like it - it was my name for a long time and still is, if I choose to go by it - it’s a sentimental thing, an emotional connection to my family and my past self. It’s really none of your business and not something you need to get annoyed about. I’d take a very dim view if my DH had any sort of opinion on my own name!

I think if he uses his other daughter's married name and not your DW's married name then I think it is deliberate. It may even be subconscious bias against same sex relationships not being as real as a heterosexual one. Some of these views are ingrained and hard to undo in some of the older generation.

It took me ages to get my DM to stop sending me cards addressed to both me and my DH as "Mr and Mrs (husband's first and surname). When I pulled her up on it she was bemused and said "well what do you want me to call you?" and I said "erm, my name! I'm still a person!" Once I explained it to her she realised it was archaic and old fashioned to refer to a married woman as Mrs (husband's first and surname), but she said in her defence that's how she was taught to write letters to married couples in school 😅

i think it’s 50/50, either he is un/consciously not respecting our marriage or he saw her as a replacement for a son, the one who would carry on the family name and wasn’t happy when she changed it. It honestly could be either.

Her DGM on the other hand used to love Clare balding until she found out she was a lesbian and then from that day on would change the channel every time Clare Balding was on the TV. DW only came out to DGM when we got engaged and to be fair to her she always treated me kindly but there were slight differences in the way we were treated to the way SIL and BIL were treated at the beginning.

That changed as DW was the one who supported DGM through the loss of her husband and then we both moved in with her to care for her when she had terminal cancer. I guess that was all it took for me to be treated as part of the family! Yet the maiden name persists!