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Original poster

To be annoyed my FIL still uses DWs maiden name

75 replies

Pregnancyquestion · 21/10/2025 12:24

DW and I have been married for 9 years today - (both female, which I think is relevant to the story). My DW took my surname as I didn’t want to change my name and it was important to DW that we share a surname as we planned to have children. I would have been happy with both of us keeping our names but the decision was made.

It was my DWs birthday yesterday and a late present arrived today from FIL addressed to wife using her maiden name. DW late GM also did the same before she died. I just laughed but DW is annoyed. Her family don’t do this to her DSis who has been married for 10 years to a man. I do understand why she’s annnoyed though, but we will just ignore it and move on. I don’t know if it will bother me more though if he continues this for our baby when it is born, as the baby will only have my surname.

I guess my question is this is rude right or are we overthinking it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pregnancyquestion · 21/10/2025 13:39

HedwigEliza · 21/10/2025 13:32

I’ve been married more than twenty years and my father still addresses mail and cards to me using my maiden name. I like it - it was my name for a long time and still is, if I choose to go by it - it’s a sentimental thing, an emotional connection to my family and my past self. It’s really none of your business and not something you need to get annoyed about. I’d take a very dim view if my DH had any sort of opinion on my own name!

Did you read the post? I’m very clear it’s my DW who was annoyed not me

OP posts:
PercyPigInAWig · 21/10/2025 14:25

Pregnancyquestion · 21/10/2025 13:19

Well we didn’t want to double barrel as our name would get ridiculous and DW wants to have the same name as our children. So there was no consideration to the future christmas decoration potential lol

Show quote history

But why could your wife not have the same name as the children if she had kept her surname? Is it because you wanted the children to have your surname?

Friends of mine (2 married women) were adopting and I was so peeved at the social worker saying one of them needed to change their surname to have a better chance of being viewed as a ‘real family’. I don’t know if they would have said this to a heterosexual couple (probably yes) but it’s ridiculous if people can’t recognise committed relationships or marriages because the people might be the same sex.

Enjoy your family snow globe 🤣

Denim4ever · 21/10/2025 14:29

It's personal choice and she's chosen to change her name. I didn't, but that doesn't mean that I don't recognise the choice of those who do. I don't think it's generational as I'm over 60 and I totally understand

Ribidibidibidoobahday · 21/10/2025 15:02

If it annoys her she'll let her dad know.

It's easier this way at least. Used to do my head in my in laws ignoring my name however many times I politely told them. At least I could get grumpy with my own family.

SammyScrounge · 21/10/2025 15:03

NimbleDreamer · 21/10/2025 13:33

I think if he uses his other daughter's married name and not your DW's married name then I think it is deliberate. It may even be subconscious bias against same sex relationships not being as real as a heterosexual one. Some of these views are ingrained and hard to undo in some of the older generation.

It took me ages to get my DM to stop sending me cards addressed to both me and my DH as "Mr and Mrs (husband's first and surname). When I pulled her up on it she was bemused and said "well what do you want me to call you?" and I said "erm, my name! I'm still a person!" Once I explained it to her she realised it was archaic and old fashioned to refer to a married woman as Mrs (husband's first and surname), but she said in her defence that's how she was taught to write letters to married couples in school 😅

We all learned that at school!

Cosyblankets · 21/10/2025 15:10

Tell him the parcel is in the sorting office and she has no ID to collect it

PlayWeather · 21/10/2025 15:19

If your DW is annoyed about this, it sounds like it's probably part of a bigger picture. Does she feel like her dad is dismissive of your relationship in general, or her sexuality?

Kiwo · 21/10/2025 15:59

I do think the difference between how they address your wife and your wife's sister really exacerbates this, and does suggest homophobia, sadly.

Both mine and DH's family get DD's surname wrong all the time (I kept my name and DD has my surname only). I'm not too fussed as it's only a name and they are lovely in other ways.

If I was your wife I'd be pretty annoyed though...
Are they supportive in other ways? Do you think your wife could have a constructive conversation with them about it without damaging the relationship? Do you/she want to maintain the relationship??

JHound · 21/10/2025 16:45

PercyPigInAWig · 21/10/2025 13:15

She needs to speak to him, if she wants to.

I did not change my surname when I get married and actually really dislike that people still do this, regardless of sexual orientation.
I also can’t get my head round the reasoning that it’s because you want to have DC - yes, normalise archaic tradition for a whole new generation. I hate twee signs popping up for Christmas decorations for Team Smith or whatever. But that said I call everyone whatever name they ask because it’s their name.

Same!

I hate the tradition for women to change their name on marrying and that so many still do it (and it makes even less sense to me when a woman divorces a terribly, toxic, abusive man yet is still walking around with his name!)

But I will always respect a woman’s right to do so and always call people by their name irrespective of my own beliefs. It’s weird to me that so many do otherwise.

JHound · 21/10/2025 16:52

@PercyPigInAWig

Friends of mine (2 married women) were adopting and I was so peeved at the social worker saying one of them needed to change their surname to have a better chance of being viewed as a ‘real family’.

I am always baffled by this logic. That to be a “real family” everybody must share a surname. I have never shared a surname with my mother and definitely see her as “real family”. I am closer to her than to my father with whom I share a name!

Also the tradition of all family sharing a name (and the woman changing hers) is not global. There are a number of cultures where this is not the norm. So are families in those cultures “less real”?

So stupid!

DurinsBane · 21/10/2025 19:06

The GM probably didn’t accept that women could marry other women tbh, a lot that generation would did it strange. FIL maybe shares the opinion…

Strawberrryfields · 21/10/2025 20:19

‘I don’t know if it will bother me more though if he continues this for our baby when it is born, as the baby will only have my surname.’

Slightly beside the point but the baby won’t only have your surname - it’s both yours and your wife’s. Your wife has taken a big step changing her name so give her her dues - our surname. Anyway, I think her family may be more inclined to use it when the baby arrives because then it’s a link to the child - it’s not your surname, it’s their grandchild’s.

That aside, I can understand your inkling that this is about it possibly being about you both being women. Have they given any indication over the years that they don’t support your relationship?

Gaminggeek · 21/10/2025 20:23

Although I doubt it’s the case, sometimes things just slip people’s minds, I’m always referring to my friends by their maiden names when using them, at bookings etc and I was bridesmaid at both their weddings. It’s completely unintentional and just bad memory/ slip of the mind.

I don’t think that’s what this is, but my point is it’s not the end of the world and best just ignored. Sometimes certain battles really aren’t worth the effort and I think this is one of those.

Christwosheds · 21/10/2025 20:34

Pregnancyquestion · 21/10/2025 13:39

Did you read the post? I’m very clear it’s my DW who was annoyed not me

Show quote history

But the OP heading states that you are annoyed ?
If you don’t care and it’s only your wife who minds, then it’s for her to talk to her Dad, surely ? There are many reasons why he might do this, none of us can guess, he’s her Dad, surely she knows why, or can have a conversation with him about if she is upset .
I get the opposite, but I think in my case it’s just that some family members on DH’s side just forget what my surname is.

MB34 · 21/10/2025 20:35

It's totally rude - he's not respecting her decisions.
Maybe a slightly different situation as it's not my family who is wrong but my DH and I decided to keep our own surnames once married.
18 years later my in-laws (parents in law, his brother and wife and his aunty) still get it wrong. In the beginning they wrote Mrs. Hisname. DH had a word with them and now the write Mrs. Myname-Hisname.
I find it so annoying and disrespectful though - how hard is it to understand that I didnt change my surname?!

SparklyCardigan · 21/10/2025 20:41

I do this to my sisters as a small feminist protest because I don't agree with people changing their names. 😊

Pistachiocake · 21/10/2025 20:48

You could say that you're very worried about his memory (I would actually be worried, if there were any other signs, but you suggest he remembers other name changes). Or start calling him by his wife's name.
I've sometimes let things like this go (as in stuff that seems really trivial, like please don't call after midnight unless it's urgent, please don't use my stuff without asking etc), because it seems silly, but letting disrespect go can come back on you.

Cosyblankets · 21/10/2025 20:50

SparklyCardigan · 21/10/2025 20:41

I do this to my sisters as a small feminist protest because I don't agree with people changing their names. 😊

Personally I think this is rude
It's not up to you what your sister calls herself.

Welshmonster · 22/10/2025 05:54

Have they been explicitly told about the name change? Do they realise it’s happened?
tell them again and then if they continue to ignore it then they are being disrespectful and need to be asked why when they don’t do it for other females.

ShesTheAlbatross · 22/10/2025 06:06

SparklyCardigan · 21/10/2025 20:41

I do this to my sisters as a small feminist protest because I don't agree with people changing their names. 😊

How rude of you.

If someone changes their name for a reason other than marriage, do you assess whether that reason is acceptable to you before deciding whether or not to use the new name?

dontcomeatme · 22/10/2025 06:22

I've had 4 legal surnames, very long story. A lot of my family members and friends/neighbours call me by the name they remember me by. So I get something different everywhere I go. I don't mind, that's how they remember me.
What would upset me in your situation OP, is that FIL seems to manage perfectly fine with other family members. Seems like a choice to forget your DW x

Hedgehogbrown · 22/10/2025 06:38

Well I use my friends and sisters maiden name all the time. I do it with their children when I send them stuff as well, or I invent merge the two names together. I despair at all the women in my life who have subserviently just removed their own name and not given their children their own name. You re lucky aren't you? I hope she got to pick the first names.
Having said that, It doesn't seem like he is doing it from a place of feminism and he sounds homophobic to me.

Hedgehogbrown · 22/10/2025 06:41

ShesTheAlbatross · 22/10/2025 06:06

How rude of you.

If someone changes their name for a reason other than marriage, do you assess whether that reason is acceptable to you before deciding whether or not to use the new name?

Show quote history

If the reason was that they have been trained to be subservient from a young age and change it to please men, then yes. If they lived in a vacuum and did it for themselves, then no. Women don't live in a vacuum, they live in a patriarchy which is designed to please and serve men.

Theroadt · 22/10/2025 06:46

Bishopstail · 21/10/2025 12:39

I would say over thinking. People just don't know or remember.

This.

LessOfThis · 22/10/2025 07:16

I didn’t change my name when I married (to a man, not that it matters but to give context) but my mother absolutely will not use my name. Not only does she call me by his surname she tells everyone that I have changed my name. It’s really upsetting, but I try not to show it to her because she’s a nutjob and enjoys upsetting me. I appreciate more distant relations forget, but I’ve asked my mother several times not to call me by his surname. I say “that’s not my names and she just goes “yes it is.” YANBU it’s disrespectful.