To be annoyed my FIL still uses DWs maiden name

[Pregnancyquestion]

DW and I have been married for 9 years today - (both female, which I think is relevant to the story). My DW took my surname as I didn’t want to change my name and it was important to DW that we share a surname as we planned to have children. I would have been happy with both of us keeping our names but the decision was made.

It was my DWs birthday yesterday and a late present arrived today from FIL addressed to wife using her maiden name. DW late GM also did the same before she died. I just laughed but DW is annoyed. Her family don’t do this to her DSis who has been married for 10 years to a man. I do understand why she’s annnoyed though, but we will just ignore it and move on. I don’t know if it will bother me more though if he continues this for our baby when it is born, as the baby will only have my surname.

I guess my question is this is rude right or are we overthinking it?

What the fuck? So they should be subservient to you instead? Urgh!

Cant you people see that this makes you just as bad as people who think women should change their name? Let the woman decide for herself what she wants. You are very rude!

Why could t any potential future children have her surname and you change yours?

The posters saying they don't use people's married names for feminist reasons are bizarre. You've missed the entire point of feminism. It's CHOICE. A woman now has the right to choose, whether you agree with that choice is by the by, you should respect HER wishes. By refusing to call her the name she has chosen to take, you are saying she has no choice, control, voice, or power. You are not a feminist. You are the very thing you claim to despise.

If your FIL can remember to use his other hetrosexual daughter's correct married surname, but yet can't for your wife, then it's being done deliberately. I'd say that your FIL likely feels either you should have taken her surname or the fact you're both female means you should have kept your own surnames. Perhaps he sees a gay marriage as 'less' of a marriage. Regardless of his reason, either your wife mentions it to her Dad or ignores it. His actions say quite a lot about the person he is.

my DH’s family do the opposite, using his surname when I kept my own. They just forget. Since FW is bothered, remind your family if they forget her married name , but do it nicely because your dad sounds very on board with your marriage.

I didn't change my name, as personally I find the female automatically changing her name on marriage a bit bizarre in this age and did not feel like something that would sit well for me. It is a personal choice of course though. I would have doubled barrelled, this would have been my choice, but my husband didn't want to as he thought our names would look strange together (he sort of had a point) and I didn't want to if he didn't. My son has my husbands surname, it meant a lot to him and I didn't mind either way.

My parents in law are lovely, but address things to me with my husband's surname. I don't know if they are making a point or forget, but it doesn't really bother me at all. The change of surname is what they assume should have happened, it didn't, they are fine to write what they wish on an envelope.

However, with your FIL I think the issue is that he uses the maiden name for you DW but not her sister and this may indicate that he views somethings about your relationship as different. I can see why that bothers your DW. You may both decide to just ignore it for an easy life, I might well in your circumstance too, but equally it would be valid to address it with him. Just putting it out that he may not be homophobic, but feel that his surname should have been picked (still completely unreasonable of him of course).

This would really piss me off. To the few people suggesting this is forgetfulness, I’m guessing you don’t have much experience of homophobic micro aggressions.

me and my wife have been married for 10 years. I changed my name to her name, as her name was meaningful to her and we wanted the same name. Still happy with this 10 years in.

this reminds me of when people refer to my wife as my ‘partner’ even after I’ve said wife. Which makes me really angry. It’s a sure sign that someone doesn’t recognise my marriage because we are 2 women. I call it out every time, regardless of who it is. ‘Wife, not partner, we are married’. I remember once chatting with someone at an event, they asked about my family, I told them about wife and kids and dog… they referred to her as partner… I corrected … this happened a few times in the conversation. ‘Your partner.. my wife’ Kept correcting. It’s awkward but important to me. Same sex couples have not been legally allowed to marry for very long. It’s precious to many of us and to ignore someone’s marriage is homophobic.

OP, it’s up to your wife to address this, but if they call your child the wrong name you have every right to wade in. A straightforward chat is what I think would help.
‘Dad, you are still calling me by my unmarried name. When I married ‘pregnancyquestion’ I changed my name to …. Can you please use my proper name, thanks ‘ if they keep doing it after this you know why xx

I’ve always been adamant I’d never change my name, my DW didn’t have to change hers. She wanted us to have the same name so she chose to. It was important to her, the only thing important to me was to not change my own name, I’d decided that when I assumed I’d marry a man and I wasn’t going to change my mind

When you say you do it with their children, do you mean you address things to “Child first name Mother’s birth surname”? A name the child has never had? If this is the case, why do you refer to your sisters by their original names? Why not refer to them by your mother’s original name (if your mother changed her name)? Do you refer to your mother by her mother’s original name?
What surname do you use for yourself?

Also I’m surprised you use the term “maiden name”.

I am petty.
suggest to your wife she first asks DF if he is ok, as she is noticing signs of dementia… forgetting her name
if that doesn’t shame him into behaving then start sending all cards and parcels to her mum (if she is around still) as her maiden name, let her sisters in on the plan and refer to them in all conversations with him as Mrs (maiden name)
if all else fails, just make up a name for him and start calling him that.

So if she married a woman and took the woman's name that's OK with you. If she married a man and took the man's name that's not OK with you?

So why does it not “slip their mind” for the other sister who is married to a man?

The world has changed so much. Some people are slower to adapt. I think we forget just how much things have changed - I’m only in my 50s and I think back to my childhood. Homosexuality wasn’t mentioned in our home, despite one of my uncles clearly being gay, and the Conservatives introduced clause 28 when I was at university. Now we have a whole new world to navigate, and not everyone keeps up. I still eat Marathon bars and use Jif.

My partner’s parents insist on calling me Mrs NotMyName, despite the fact we aren’t married. This could be seen as welcoming or it could be a judgement on us living in sin. It may just be habit and expectation. I have no idea, but I don’t lose sleep over it.

Sounds forgetful

Yeah I don’t think it can be forgetfulness. It sounds silly but it’s her name on Facebook which he is always on sharing stuff on, so he sees her name all the time.

It does sound like she’s trying to upset you if you have addressed it with her so many times! It sounds like a difficult relationship which is awful when it’s your mum!

Yes he knows she took my name and has a reminder as he is friends with her on Facebook and that’s her name on there. He’s always tagging her in some post or other and he doesn’t struggle to remember her name then! Lol

We’re constantly having to tell people we’re married as everyone assumes we’re sisters. Then people for some strange reason seem to be really put out when we tell them. We’ve had a lot of are you two sisters? No, we’re married… ‘Ok? What you telling me for? I don’t care who you’re married to!’

We met a year after gay marriage was legalised, so appreciate why it’s important for you to correct the use of partner/wife

Well, we are a heterosexual married couple and I´ve had a neighbour call my husband my partner. Erm no, he´s my husband. "Oh but you are not married", Well, I was definitely at the Catholic church on 2.10.10 dressed in a white-ish long dress with all my family sat in the pews, fiance waiting by altar with priest. I actually fished out a photo on my mobile. She was annoying me by then. And she STILL looked like she was going to argue with me!

Forgot to quote @cannyvalley

I changed my surname on marriage as I hated my dad & was glad to be rid of the name (he & my Mom were divorced & he wasn't at my wedding) I've kept it upon divorce as I still hate my maiden name & also want the same name as my kids. If they ever marry & change their names, I may change mine to my Mom's maiden name, only time will tell!! However, I do think it's personal choice & to be respected regardless.

We have been together for decades. We both kept our own names. Kids have my surname.
Various family members have been extraordinarily inventive over the years with my and the kids' names! Some just addressed letters and cards to me with my husband's surname. Others twisted themselves in knots doing double barreled things with mine and the kids names.
I have explained what we decided about names many times in the early days.
Now we just laugh about it. There is no malice intended, they just don't get it. Don't take offense!

Sisters 🤣🤣🤣

How often does he write? It’s surely only a birthday card and Christmas card. Can’t you forgive an old man his little idiosyncrasies twice a year?
Otherwise she will have to tell him firmly that that is not her name any longer.
I must say though that addressing cards is an absolute nightmare these days. Never quite sure what is best. For my Goddaughter I use her maiden name when writing to just her but address a card to both of them as Mr and Mrs (husband’s name). No idea if I’ve got it right but she’s never complained. Perhaps she is indulging an old woman.

How old would you class as an old man? He’s 60