To be so protective of my child?

[OnTheJourneyOnwards]

I was chatting with another mum (close friend) today and we were talking about how important it is to have school mums to help out with pick ups from time to time.

She was telling me she had found a lovely couple through school and they clicked well and had similar parenting styles. And she said that from time to time they picked up each other’s kids from school.

I said I wished I could trust other parents with my daughter but I just don’t.

I’ve got mum friends at school but they are always talking about how they yell at their kids, and how they fight with their husbands. They are perfectly nice women generally and I enjoy their company, but one admits to drinking a bottle of wine a night. The other had a day when her child didn’t go to school but her child turned up the next day with a black eye and she was a bit nervous about talking about what happened but mentioned a grumpy husband. They have otherwise perfectly ordinary middle class looking lives from the outside but to me these little things are little red flags for leaving my child alone with them or relying on them for the occasional pick up.

I brought this up with my friend and said I just don’t trust anyone else enough with my DD. Simply, you just can’t tell and abuse often happens to kids from people who are known to the child.

But she said maybe they just ARE ordinary people who trust me enough to share their feelings and vulnerable moments with me.

It made me wonder… am I being too overprotective?

I would never shout at my DD for anything except if she was in danger, like running into the road for example. DD is very sensitive and gentle but has signs of ADHD so doesn’t always pay attention, so the thought that another parent might yell at her worries me.

Would you let another parent pick up your child from school? AIBU to not allow this?

If you manage to go until she’s 18 without ever raising your voice it will be a miracle.

Your friend sounds like she setting the stones for you you pick her child up after school. Many have been burned doing that “it’s a one off”, “my child really likes your child”

Well you’re obviously just a far better mum than all the nitwits at the school.

It's good that you"re a perfect parent. I've shouted at my children a handful of times (literally), so despite devoting my life to them and putting my career on hold, you're absolutely right, there is zero chance I could keep your child safe on a ten minute journey home 🙄

I hope you reported the child with the black eye and the ‘grumpy’ dad to social services/police/the school?!

Sorry but I couldn’t really think much about the rest of your post after that!!

But yes obviously my child would never be entrusted to a family where I suspected the father was physically abusing his child. That goes without saying. I generally trust other parents with my kids but there are one or two school families that I will never allow my children to go home with or be in the care of, for various very valid safeguarding reasons.

I think this is most typical though - allowing parents you know and trust to care for your child but not sending them off with anyone without any ‘risk assessment’ type thoughts?

you're just creating a rod for your own back. I haven't even voted. If you want to turn your nose up at potential help and mutual support then you do you.

You should only do what makes you comfortable. Take your time, suss out other parents, maybe, like your friend, you'll meet some who seem ok. It sounds like you and DD are new to (the) school.

I would expect most people (and their DC too) to be on their best behaviour with your DC, just as your DC would be on best behaviour at their house so probably it would all be ok for a few hours.

What does your DD say about her classmates? Does your DC have playdates? Those might be the people to help you/you help them with pick-up.

I am really anxious with my DC but yes I do let others pick them up, e.g. for playdates

If you genuinely think physical abuse is taking place then you need to report it.

But yes, I would trust other parents in general. I was often collected by my friends' parents after school and vice versa.

It's really important to build a support network and have people you can rely on to help you.

presumably you don’t need help at school pick up, as you’ll be riding your high horse there anyway?

Yes, totally agree.

No one is perfect
Everyone raises their voice from time to time
Everyone argues with their partners from time to time.
However it’s totally your choice who you trust your child with.. black eye family, maybe not! But unless you are given a real reason to worry, little an often may be a good start as having parents you can use to help and vice versa is really helpful!

I'm always having different children after school when parents can’t do a pick up and I’ve relied on some mums to help me when I’ve been stuck. Just because they have a different parenting style to you doesn’t mean they are horrible people they just parent differently. You risk turning your child anxious if you never let her experience things, just think of the joy you had as a child going for tea after school to your friends house.

Ive taken several children on my road to and from school when other parents have asked me. Im happy to help as it doesnt really inconvenience me and it's nice to help people.

I dont think id ever ask another parent to pick my child up though so im the same as you 🤣 Literally the only way it would happen is if me and dad were suddenly in hospital or something!

"her child turned up the next day with a black eye and she was a bit nervous about talking about what happened but mentioned a grumpy husband"

And you reported this, right?

"little red flags" I dread to think what a big red flag looks like to you

You aren’t too protective, you just think you are better than everyone else and are judgemental. Don't worry, they aren’t missing out by not helping you out, I’m sure they will be just fine.

Tell me you have a precious only child without telling me you have a precious only child 😂

I think that’s a bit sad, but you do need to do what your comfortable with, i trust a lot of the parents in my daughter’s class and she goes to their houses or they give her lifts to clubs and we do the same for them. And we have all shouted at our kids at some point but it’s not often, sometimes you just get too frustrated.
It’s lovely to have such a network.
The child with the black eye that is worrying and i hope was reported.

How old is your DD OP, and is she an only child?
It's natural to feel protective but sooner or later she's going to want to go round to friends' houses. Or there'll be birthday parties in the houses of people you don't know well or at a time you can't get to. Or you'll be ill and unable to get to school one day. There's all kinds of possible reasons why you might need a hand.
And if you have more than one child it is pretty much inevitable that at some point one will be ill when you need to pick up the other, or they'll have hobbies that start and finish at the same time but 5 miles apart. When things like that happen you will probably be grateful for other parents who are willing to share pick up and drop off from time to time. Even if you are a SAHM it's tricky (and probably not healthy) to be there all the time and if you work outside the home it is nigh on impossible.
Obviously I'm not saying just let her wander off with any old person (though be aware that you'll blink and find she's at secondary school and wanting to hang out with kids whose parents you've never even met) but if you don't make at least some friends you can trust amongst her friends' parents you're potentially restricting your DD's activities as well as making your own life more difficult than it needs to be.

I think people shouting at their children occassionally is not a big deal. I wouldn't let my DC be looked after by a family where I suspect domestic abuse. There's a huge difference between the two.

If only we loved pour children as much as you loved yours...

Please speak to the school safeguarding lead about the child with the black eye and the grumpy dad.

Aside from that family, the others sound normal enough. Are you planning for your DD to never go to a friends house after school? Or to a birthday party? I'm guessing your DD is quite young, but at some point she's going to want to go places and it would be weird and intrusive for you to go with her.

I am endlessly thankful for mum/dad friends I have. Our 6 DC met at primary school and are friends now as teenagers. They make all the logistics so much easier, there's always someone to help if needed with childcare, drop offs/pick ups, shared lifts to all their clubs, we've taken each other's kids on daytrips. The friendship group DC also have 6 sets of parents that they know well and trust. If for any reason they need to speak to a trusted adult, now or in the future, and don't feel able to talk to their parents, they have a big support network. That's no small thing. It keeps them safer.

We have a couple of mums and dads who we trust to collect DS and we return the favour.
It takes a village and all that 🤷🏼‍♀️

I hope to be as perfect as you when I grow up @OnTheJourneyOnwards

The potential domestic abuse situation needs reporting to the school safeguarding lead and obviously I wouldn’t be accepting an invite for my DC to go there for tea. But you’re going to seriously hold your DC back if you won’t allow playdates and birthdays, none of which are usually accompanied by a parent beyond reception. Most families are normal and even if they have different parenting styles to you that’s not going to be an issue when mum has your kid for 3 hours after school which involves walking them home, loosely supervising some free play and then feeding them some chicken nuggets before you rock up to collect.