To be so protective of my child?

[OnTheJourneyOnwards]

I was chatting with another mum (close friend) today and we were talking about how important it is to have school mums to help out with pick ups from time to time.

She was telling me she had found a lovely couple through school and they clicked well and had similar parenting styles. And she said that from time to time they picked up each other’s kids from school.

I said I wished I could trust other parents with my daughter but I just don’t.

I’ve got mum friends at school but they are always talking about how they yell at their kids, and how they fight with their husbands. They are perfectly nice women generally and I enjoy their company, but one admits to drinking a bottle of wine a night. The other had a day when her child didn’t go to school but her child turned up the next day with a black eye and she was a bit nervous about talking about what happened but mentioned a grumpy husband. They have otherwise perfectly ordinary middle class looking lives from the outside but to me these little things are little red flags for leaving my child alone with them or relying on them for the occasional pick up.

I brought this up with my friend and said I just don’t trust anyone else enough with my DD. Simply, you just can’t tell and abuse often happens to kids from people who are known to the child.

But she said maybe they just ARE ordinary people who trust me enough to share their feelings and vulnerable moments with me.

It made me wonder… am I being too overprotective?

I would never shout at my DD for anything except if she was in danger, like running into the road for example. DD is very sensitive and gentle but has signs of ADHD so doesn’t always pay attention, so the thought that another parent might yell at her worries me.

Would you let another parent pick up your child from school? AIBU to not allow this?

everyone shouts at their kids from time to time. You clearly only have one child 🤣 I don’t think I raised my voice until siblings two and three arrived. I thought I was the oh so perfect parent too

A couple of hours after school for a play date in a home with a nice mum shouldn’t be a big deal. It’s fun, it gives you a break, and they learn so much about navigating social relationships.

As long as your child can verbally advocate for herself if she wanted to go home or felt ill, it would be fine. Most people don’t shout at each other and air their dirty laundry in front of someone else’s kid.

Why not offer a play date first so that your sensitive and gentle child gets used to being around another child in an unstructured way?

I think it's incredibly odd that you are conflating "occasionally shouts at their children" with "seems to have given their child a black eye". Those things are laughably far apart. I would question your judgement and sense of danger there. Obviously I wouldn't send my child to the home of someone I suspected was abusive! I would definitely allow playdates with most families if my DC wanted them.

It’s up to you of course, but I do reciprocal play dates with parents of schoolfriends all the time, the kids love it. I would have thought your daughter would too, plus I get a break sometimes when someone else looks after mine. We had a lad for a sleepover last night, and my son will go to his another day.
I wouldn’t let him go for a sleepover unless I knew the family a bit, but we have play date relationships with many - maybe a dozen families between 3 DC. It’s my village.

"grumpy" husband - absolutely not and I hope you reported that conversation to the safeguarding team at school. But bottle of wine at night doesn't stop a parent being perfectly capable of walking your child home.

My child had been collected by two different friends parents and I've met them at the park 15 minutes or so later, he hasn't yet been to anyones home without me. I've also collected one of those children a few times and his mum has done the same.

How many children do you have?
Who looks after them when you’re at work?
Do you DC go or did they go to to nursery?

How many children do you have?
Who looks after them when you’re at work?
Do you DC go or did they go to to nursery?

This was my thought too. If not please talk to the school about this, even if it was a while ago.

In answer to your question though, I do think it is harder to trust someone to look after your child if they have additional medical or behavioural needs for a range of reasons. Also obviously don't leave them with families where you suspect abuse may be taking place and raise your concerns with the school.

Love this soooooo much. ❤️🤣

How old is your child?
When are you planning to allow her to go home with her friends? She does need to do this at some point. She cannot spend her entire life being hovered over by you.
Now if she is only 4 the it’s fine. You can wait a bit longer. Get to know her friends etc.
But she does need to socialise and at some point on her own.
At some point you will raise your voice to your child. This bit does make you sound a bit smug…

On a more serious note, this.

Over and over again.

When my dad was dying and I wanted to see him every precious moment while I still could, oh my word, did I value my network.

They literally got me through without it impacting negatively on DD

Only do what you are comfortable with if you don't want to allow other parents to look after your child then don't. I was the extremely protective parent, ( although on occasion their were raised voices) my oldest 2 had food allergies so I would only let family members who understood the dangers of their allergies to care for them my youngest is ND and all playdates etc are with a parent in tow. It doesn't make you a bad parent if you want to protect your child by choosing to not allow other parents to take on any responsibility for your child, nor does it make you a bad parent if you do choose to accept help from others. The only thing that matters is what you feel is best for both yourself and your child. You shouldn't allow other people's choices or opinions affect your own decisions.

It's a shame you aren't so protective of other children, like the one you think was punched by its father.

It’s 100% true that I’ve yelled at my kids (though I suspect they’re older than yours so don’t rule it out yet!) and it’s also 99% true I’ve never yelled at someone else’s kid. Both because other children listen to me better (as my children listen to other parents better) but also because I wouldn’t be engaging in the sorts of utterly frustrating conversations with them for the 100th time about putting their shoes on the stupid shelf or putting their dishes in the stupid dishwasher.

i am grateful to my village as my husband and I both work full time and have no family in this country so we’d have really struggled without exchanging favours.

Do you never have play dates or let your daughter play with friends at the park or anything? How old is she?

Oh and agree with everyone in hoping you reported that poor child with a potentially awful home situation. Hopefully it was just an embarrassing injury (my son got a black eye by flinging himself at my daughter and catching his own face on her knee) but just in case it’s not you should really let the school know so they can keep an eye.

You’ve never left your child with anyone else?

you’ve never shouted at your child? Not once?

wow

I mean, I don't think it's good to not be able to trust a single person with your children, they benefit a lot from relationships with other adults and my children love having friends around/ going to visit friends. The people you have described though, the father and the black eye, and quite excessive drinking, aren't the people I would send my children with.

A bottle of wine a night and a child with a black eye are pretty big red flags.

i wouldn’t trust my child with them but i have and would with others although mine are teens now

how old is your Dd

I'm extremely wary of other parents too.

I just don't trust anyone at all.

I have 3 grandkids under 7... I shout/tell them off all the time 😒 Mostly because their parents don't. They're very much in the camp of gentle parenting. And as a result the kids are basically feral. Do I pull them up on picking up toys, taking dishes to the kitchen, and generally not running amok being absolute arseholes?

Then yes, yes I do! Children need healthy boundaries or else they'll grow up to be arsehole adults who think the world revolves around them.

However, I would never raise a hand to any of them. A child experiencing physical abuse will learn nothing except fear, and obviously it's clearly never legally or otherwise acceptable. I'd have flagged the black eye and had some questions and concerns there.

In regards to not wrapping children in cotton wool if they're genuinely being a bit of a dick then it different. Kids who don't have experience or boundaries will grow to be adults that never get on in life.

I work with some 20ish yr olds who basically think it's acceptable their mother rings into work if they have a cold... News flash, it's not!

Yes I agree. You dropped a serious bombshell in there. Of course I wouldn't put my child in a potentially abusive situation!
Hopefully the school would have seen the child and taken action anyway.

My DS is a bit too young at the moment to consider this but there are a couple mums at school that I do trust and I would like to think we'd be happy to help each other out if needs be or give our children an opportunity to play together after school.

I agree with you totally but that comes from having a family member entrust her kids to a close family friend to take to school only to find out at 8 years old her other half had been abusing both daughters since they were 4 and it came out when they were 8. Not one of us in our huge family would have suspected as we were with all always helping each other out with various kids. Devastating isn't how I person felt can't even think of a word bad enough. So when hubby and I decided to have kids we made it a rule we always take them to school and pick them up, there friends come to ours or will meet them at the grandparents until much older. We arranged work around the school times. For those who say they shout well good on you for thinking that's the right thing to do but we have 7 kids and I can't say I've ever shouted at any apart from once when one stepped out before a traffic light turned red. Never heard hubby shout or get angry either so maybe shouldn't have kids if your patience is so short. Was brought up with lots of siblings and can't remember ever being shouted at by my parents that's probably where I learnt it from. Ages range from 2-15 and we much prefer to communicate in a normal way

I get that most folk don't agree with being "shouty". However, if kids are literally punching each other, and 1 put the cat in tumble dryer and switched it on 🥺 Then yes, sadly shouting does come into a lot!

If some kids genuinely can't self regulate, nor know basic right from wrong, nor empathy... Then shouting can be the only answer sadly.

As much as you'd love to advocate from "normal" learning standards. If a child is unable to acknowledge nor accept that. Then unfortunately shouting, expressing clear levels of unacceptable behaviour, and pure disappointment. Is acceptable... Unfortunately some children due to additional needs are born without natural empathy, and have to be physically taught it via reinforced negative behavior towards theirs.

Is your child likely to do something that would make someone shout at her in a short space of time like a play date or a ride home from school? Shouting at someone else’s child is pretty extreme for most people.

YANBU to not let your child associate with families where there are safeguarding concerns (but it’s your moral obligation to report these things not just note them to yourself). But be realistic about whether they’re actually concerns related to care of your child- the mum who drinks a bottle of wine a night likely won’t do it when she is running a play date. Likewise the ones who are a bit shouty with their own kids probably aren’t going to be the same with a child who is a guest.

I carpooled with two other Mums as we all worked. We lived within a mile of each other so it helped us all out.