Going out - what's reasonable?

[KingdomCome1]

NC for this in case it gets read by other half.

Not after any comment or discussion on my situation, just interested in what people believe is reasonable in this situation.

Partner A WFH full time. Works hard, quite a lot of pressure.
Partner B SAHM to a preschooler. No childcare used as we don't need it and prefer not to.

Both partners in full agreement over working status. Both partners have limited time available to them to pursue personal interests.

Partner A usually goes to bed early but sometimes wants to go for an evening walk, though may not decide this until the last minute.

Partner B has a hobby. Partner B doesn't usually have to leave the house for the hobby before the child is in bed in the evening and has, TBF, deliberately engineered it this way. Partner B could go out earlier but doesn't to prevent Partner A being left to do bedtime. There are some occasions where leaving before bedtime has been inevitable though.

The child is usually an excellent sleeper and very good at bedtime but once in a blue moon can be unexpectedly challenging.

How many evenings per week do you consider it would be reasonable for Partner B to go out for their hobby in this particular set up / situation. Neither partner wishes to be unreasonable but the amount that Partner B would like to go and do the hobby is causing conflict.

Do A and B never spend the evening together?

Can’t A go out for a walk in the day? Why do they need the option to be able to go for a walk every evening (before also going to bed at 8pm)? A sounds like a dog-in-a-manger.

Two nights a week is probably the max I’d be okay with because that way one gets two nights for hobby, the other gets two nights for their walk, and you still have 3 nights for family/couple time.

And yet loads of posters on MNs say they go to the gym/do exercise 5-7 days a week

A WFH so is in the house a LOT. A would like to have the choice to leave the house in the evening.

WFH every day would be difficult for me & I would need to get out.

If A is going to bed to sleep at 8pm then why does B need to be there? To tuck them in?! If child is actually waking in the night more than once every few months then fair enough. It’s a shame A is such an extreme early bird though, otherwise the partners could actually spend some time TOGETHER in the evenings.

2-3 evenings sounds fine to me. Can B fix which days the hobbies are on, so there’s routine to the week. Maybe a regular two days, with an optional third night every so often. It sounds like it’s the unpredictability causing the problem, which means that A can’t go out in case B wants to go out.

Partner A usually goes to bed at 8pm but wants partner B to stay in the house just in case they decide to go out at some point?
How often does child wake between bedtime and half ten when B comes home?

I think if I were left alone from 8pm after spending the whole day looking after a toddler I would also be going out to do something I enjoy.

Twice a week

A WFH so won’t want to feel trapped inside every day as well and probably doesn’t want to have to schedule evening walks days in advance. If B goes out to do their hobby more than a couple of times a week then A is going to feel like they can never leave the house and they’re working FT and then responsible for the pre schooler when they’re “off”.

Why don’t you put your child into childcare a few times a week. It’ll help them socialise and let B go out and do the hobby.

Honestly I'd say once a week for a whole evening and maybe some time on the weekend. Or twice a week occasionally if something on etc. if both people take 2 evenings a week there is little time left together. If it was for an hour or so then more times a week would be fine.

Yes, I think this is the problem - that A has very limited opportunity to get out of the house. It sounds like A is happy not to go for a walk every evening, but on days when they really want to get out, then it's easiest for them to do this after the child is in bed (so they can spend the time between finishing work and bedtime with them). But they can't do this if B goes straight out the second that the child is in bed.

It sounds like a reasonable compromise might be for B to go out after A's evening walk/A has gone to bed.

Or for B to look for childcare to enable them to do their hobby during the day.

Am I the only one who really wants to know what the hobby is? If it’s the gym, then 3 hours is a long session!

Why does partner A go to bed so early? Does he get up at the crack of dawn?

I think ideally once, max twice a week. If you each have 2 nights a week to do your own thing (either the walk for A, or the hobby for B) then that leaves 3 nights together. If one person takes 3 nights (or more) that's pretty much half the week, and leaves no time to spend together, time for chores, time for the other person to get their own time etc.

Once or twice a week

2?

2, maybe 3 times a week. He/she sounds very reasonable otherwise. I personally would just enjoy the quiet time, TV to myself etc

Doesn’t he do housework and admin and cooking and laundry and shopping then?

So even though B is "stuck" with a child all day A expects them never to go out in case they want to. A is a twat for two reasons. 1 - they should be able to parent their child if they wake up (and at any other time) and 2 - they can't expect B to never go out in case they want to. What a fucking idiot.

@KingdomCome1 Are you ever going to tell us whether you are A or B and what the hobby is? I'm intrigued!

I was trying to formulate my thoughts but this absolutely covers what I was thinking.

I hope this is sarcasm. As much as people like to say how hard it is being a sahm to one child, especially one in school, unless they have medical issues or are extremely challenging it's really not difficult.

2 the other parent has 2 oevenings and the other 3 are spent together

Yip but if that’s takes 30 hrs a week he deserves to have no spare time !