Going out - what's reasonable?

[KingdomCome1]

NC for this in case it gets read by other half.

Not after any comment or discussion on my situation, just interested in what people believe is reasonable in this situation.

Partner A WFH full time. Works hard, quite a lot of pressure.
Partner B SAHM to a preschooler. No childcare used as we don't need it and prefer not to.

Both partners in full agreement over working status. Both partners have limited time available to them to pursue personal interests.

Partner A usually goes to bed early but sometimes wants to go for an evening walk, though may not decide this until the last minute.

Partner B has a hobby. Partner B doesn't usually have to leave the house for the hobby before the child is in bed in the evening and has, TBF, deliberately engineered it this way. Partner B could go out earlier but doesn't to prevent Partner A being left to do bedtime. There are some occasions where leaving before bedtime has been inevitable though.

The child is usually an excellent sleeper and very good at bedtime but once in a blue moon can be unexpectedly challenging.

How many evenings per week do you consider it would be reasonable for Partner B to go out for their hobby in this particular set up / situation. Neither partner wishes to be unreasonable but the amount that Partner B would like to go and do the hobby is causing conflict.

When you say partner A likes to go to bed early, what time does that translate to?

A goes to bed early most evenings anyway.

I think about twice a week sounds reasonable.

I feel as though you’re B unlike a pp.

I can really understand a SAHM needing to get out of the house in the evening a couple of times a week.

Sorry didn't see this before I posted. Can you say more about what the issue is about being constrained to the house? Surely they'd be pretty constrained whether or not B is out at their hobby, and you say they don't generally go out in the evenings anyway - is the constraint thing about not having the option for an evening walk?

8pm

Max twice, ideally once a week.

A WFH so is in the house a LOT. A would like to have the choice to leave the house in the evening. B can understand this but also wants to do their hobby. B has no issues with A going out as much as they choose on the other 4-5 nights a week but A usually doesn't.

And I’m not sure that if B didn’t go out it would mean that A should be going out instead.

However I also feel that, esp bearing in mind the hobby doesn’t mean the other partner actually has to do anything, because baby is asleep, there should be some presumption in favour of the SAHM getting first dibs on being out of the house.

And I’ve never been a SAHM myself.

In childcare terms, unlimited because there is no additional burden when child is on bed (assuming all dishes are done, necessary chores etc so the other isn't living in chaos).

The rest is a relationship question. Unless the partner wants to actually spend time together in a meaningful way, I'd say its fair to pick the hobby every night. Meaningful time together includes stuff like conversation, cooking, playing games, watching a show together with phones away.

I wouldn't want or expect my partner to sit home in the lounge with me while I'm piss around on mumsnet and puzzles (which is about half the week 🙃)

Ah ok I was imagining A worked outside the home.

This sounds a bit of an odd argument! Perhaps each one gets three nights a week when they have first dibs on going out in that case?

And one night you’re both home as a rule.

Twice a week

Why? We're not doing anything together anyway, would be B's argument.

Is the hobby horses? If so I say every night is acceptable!

Twice a week is plenty.

The hobby involves leaving at 7:30, but A is generally in bed by 8? I’d say that makes A a bit controlling tbh. The child is asleep, A is asleep, and B must sit at home?

I go out to do my hobby 3-4 evenings a week. It works out well. Hubby has 1 evening out- but is a stay at home dad to a school age child so has 30hrs a week when child is at school to do what he likes

Well, I’d say that’s the problem! You’re married, not room mates.

It's totally unfair to ask someone to stay home just in case someone else "might" want to go out.

IMO that feels really disrespectful of the other person's time. It's like saying "don't make plans in case I want to (but i probably can't be arsed half the time)"

Being a parent is about managing your time. You want a walk 2 nights a week and someone else wants 2 nights out then you agree who does what night as childcare and help eachother out.

Conflict is that A ... also don't feel they should have to manage difficulties with the child should they arise (once in a blue moon).

It sounds like A needs to practise their parenting skills more. I recommend B go out every evening til A gets the hang of it.

Because otherwise A will understandably begin to feel like a prisoner because they can only leave their four walls twice during the week. Having the option to go for a walk probably helps life feel less claustrophobic when you both work at home and have a young family to look after there too.

I think 2 nights a week is fair. Then if A wants to go out 2 times a week there’s still 3 nights in together. 3 nights out feels like half the week and too much when you’re a team really.

I would say it's reasonable for both people to be able to have two nights out a week.
I would find it easier if perhaps they were the same nights, so if B has a hobby to know they will be out every Mon and Weds, as even though A goes to bed early, if they did want to do something else like meet a friend they would know what days are available.
When you say the hobby can change days, how far in advance is this known, or is this the part that is annoying A, if B suddenly declares that morning they are out that night?

I wouldn't want my DH to have a regular hobby night out more than twice a week, but that's because I'm usually out twice or more a week myself and it's nice to have a few nights in together.

This situation sounds dysfunctional to the core. No childcare, no leaving the house, bed at 8pm, no thanks.

Does A do ANY parenting because it doesn't sound like it.

Our DC is older and we have fixed nights in the week that we do bedtime so get two nights each for hobby/friends plus if someone wants to do something on the weekend no problem so I reckon 2 or 3 is fine. Given A goes to bed so early think it is unreasonable for them to dictate what B does on an evening. Is the hobby fixed nights? Could you agree fixed nights for activities and then A knows when they can do an evening walk and other days maybe do a lunchtime walk

What's the point in B staying at home if A is just going to go to bed?