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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going out - what's reasonable?

99 replies

KingdomCome1 · 20/10/2025 18:09

NC for this in case it gets read by other half.

Not after any comment or discussion on my situation, just interested in what people believe is reasonable in this situation.

Partner A WFH full time. Works hard, quite a lot of pressure.
Partner B SAHM to a preschooler. No childcare used as we don't need it and prefer not to.

Both partners in full agreement over working status. Both partners have limited time available to them to pursue personal interests.

Partner A usually goes to bed early but sometimes wants to go for an evening walk, though may not decide this until the last minute.

Partner B has a hobby. Partner B doesn't usually have to leave the house for the hobby before the child is in bed in the evening and has, TBF, deliberately engineered it this way. Partner B could go out earlier but doesn't to prevent Partner A being left to do bedtime. There are some occasions where leaving before bedtime has been inevitable though.

The child is usually an excellent sleeper and very good at bedtime but once in a blue moon can be unexpectedly challenging.

How many evenings per week do you consider it would be reasonable for Partner B to go out for their hobby in this particular set up / situation. Neither partner wishes to be unreasonable but the amount that Partner B would like to go and do the hobby is causing conflict.

OP posts:
5foot5 · 20/10/2025 19:00

Hmm. I was going to say, poor old A, stuck at home alone all evening, not very sociable for him. Then I saw he went to be at 8pm. 8pm!!!

Why? Does he get up before dawn or something? Has he always done this,?

I think that is what I would focus on in any discussion. Point out how dull and lonely it is for you sitting up alone while he does this. Could he have some underlying health issues contributing to this?

Honestly, this doesn't sound like much of a marriage if he is going to bed at a time when many couples would be just finishing dinner or thinking of cracking open a bottle of wine in front of the telly. No wonder you need outside stimulation

BendingSpoons · 20/10/2025 19:04

A sounds like they are being difficult about this. They want the freedom to go out but rarely are going out, and could easily go out earlier/the next day. A is also unreasonable to be grumpy about occasionally dealing with their child if they wake up. A should really be doing half the bedtimes!

Assume you are B. If so, it's reasonably to go out twice a week for a hobby in the circumstances you describe.

autienotnaughty · 20/10/2025 19:08

If it’s after dc are in bed I’d say 3 nights a week is reasonable especially if A usually goes to bed so it’s not like they are having quality time together.

user1476613140 · 20/10/2025 19:12

Twice a week.

TheSoapyFrog · 20/10/2025 19:16

In this situation, I think A is being unreasonable and B is reasonable.

If B is only proposing 2 or 3 nights a week for their hobby, that still leaves A with 4-5 other nights to go for a walk. The fact that A doesn't decide until last minute is not B's problem. B can't just stay in on the off-chance that A would like to go out.

I could probably understand why A would feel it was too much if A didn't go to bed at 8pm. Does A actually go to sleep, or is A watching TV or reading/gaming alone? It's not fair to expect B to stay in if A is just going to go to bed and leave B alone.

I would also be more understanding of A if DC was challenging most nights, but DC Isn't. I don't like that A doesnt think they shouldn't have to deal with DC. Does A spend much time with DC?

Do A and B not actually want to spend any time with each other?

Herewegoagain84 · 20/10/2025 19:19

KingdomCome1 · 20/10/2025 18:29

A goes to bed early most evenings anyway.

Show quote history

If partner B is out until 22:30, is this hindering the early bedtime for partner A too? And it seems partner A is the one who has to get up and out for work the next day? I think max twice a week is reasonable. More than that and I would question whether you want to spend time with partner A.

waterrat · 20/10/2025 19:19

I think this is actually about other things.

Is a jealous or slightly sad that B has a much more interesting life ?

Going to bed at 8 almost every night other than a walk around the block sounds a bit sad especially when partner b clearly is enjoying life more

I think a is being a dog in the manger about time generally as they don't really want to go out

I think B should consider how to have some bonding and fun time with a

waterrat · 20/10/2025 19:20

It sounds as though the relationship generally needs work

Couldn't a.and b do something together more often like a dinner and film.at home or get a babysitter and go out

Herewegoagain84 · 20/10/2025 19:21

BendingSpoons · 20/10/2025 19:04

A sounds like they are being difficult about this. They want the freedom to go out but rarely are going out, and could easily go out earlier/the next day. A is also unreasonable to be grumpy about occasionally dealing with their child if they wake up. A should really be doing half the bedtimes!

Assume you are B. If so, it's reasonably to go out twice a week for a hobby in the circumstances you describe.

Partner A could go out at a different time, but consistently ruling out 3 evenings a week when perhaps the odd event/friends come up may make it harder for them to arrange/be able to attend.

redskydelight · 20/10/2025 19:22

So A WFH and sometimes goes out for a walk in the evening. That's a lot of time in the house. And they go to bed very early.

That doesn't sound desperately healthy and I wonder if the reason that they are not wanting to leave the house is behind the conflict here. I don't want to start assuming someone is depressed, but at the very least it sounds like they are not very happy with life.

nopiesleftinthisvehicle · 20/10/2025 19:23

Redpeach · 20/10/2025 18:13

Letters are confusing, just say who is who

Well partner B is a SAHM so... 😁
I would say three times per week assuming it's the Gym here.

Whatachliche · 20/10/2025 19:26

if A offers quality couple time together in the house for relationship maintenance after child is in bed, then 2 times a week for hobby is reasonable.
If A goes to bed at 8pm, 3-4 times a week for hobby for person B is reasonable.

PoppySaidYesIKnow · 20/10/2025 19:31

Why don’t you both have 2 nights a week to do a hobby, whatever that hobby is?

Financeisfun · 20/10/2025 19:34

Doesn't sound like a fun relationship to me. One wants to go to bed early and one wants to be out doing hobbies as much as they can. Do either of you actually want to spend any time together?

Snowfalling · 20/10/2025 19:36

DisplayPurposesOnly · 20/10/2025 18:43

Conflict is that A ... also don't feel they should have to manage difficulties with the child should they arise (once in a blue moon).

It sounds like A needs to practise their parenting skills more. I recommend B go out every evening til A gets the hang of it.

Couldn't agree more. B shouldn't have to become the default parent.

Also, is A wanting to go out whilst B is out and child is asleep? this part wasn't clear.

and when are they ever spending any time together?

Titasaducksarse · 20/10/2025 19:36

Twice a week seems fair. A can do what they want twice a week too thus leaving 3 nights for together stuff.

MostlyHappyMummy · 20/10/2025 19:39

A sounds like a controlling arse. B needs to go back to work - so they can be less controlled

DiscoBob · 20/10/2025 19:40

If it's a compromise then I guess a half way point between the number of times B wants to go vs the number A would prefer.

Does A have time to do a hobby for potentially the same amount of time? Even if they don't want one, each partner should have the same amount of time to spend on themselves.

JadziaD · 20/10/2025 19:43

If you're going to try hide it, do it better. B is a woman and SAHM and, I assume, you. The male/female thing is irrelevant. Twice a week is totally reasonable, In light of the fact that your DH likes to go for a walk and/or go to bed early, I would say that these days should be agreed in advance - ie no last minute, "oh, I thought I'd head off to my hobby tonight" as I can easily imagine a situation where he's planned for a walk or for bedtime, even if just on some unconscious level.

SilverStripedSunset · 20/10/2025 19:43

Financeisfun · 20/10/2025 19:34

Doesn't sound like a fun relationship to me. One wants to go to bed early and one wants to be out doing hobbies as much as they can. Do either of you actually want to spend any time together?

Agree with this!

Two nights a week would be reasonable in my opinion, and make use of a babysitter once every few weeks so A and B can actually spend an evening together. It doesn’t sound like either of you are investing into your relationship as a couple which is really sad.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/10/2025 19:45

Can we know who is who and also what the hobby is?

I always think all the context is helpful, although I’m quite confident I’ll still think my above answers are right regardless!

blankcanvas3 · 20/10/2025 19:49

Twice a week assuming that the other partner gets time to do what they like for a similar amount of time as well?

Emsie1987 · 20/10/2025 20:05

7 nights a week. You split the week in half nearly you have three nights each to do what you want. Spend three going out or choose to spend one of your nights with your partner. They have the same to choose from. If they choose not to go out that’s up to them. If they choose to stay in but want to be considered free, it should be treated like they out so if the child wakes up that person doesn’t go to them if they choose not to so it feels like a night off.

I think the problem a may have is that they have nothing concrete to do so don’t feel like they are having much time out as person b is having but it seems they are choosing not to. Person B is being made to feel bad as they want to do stuff outside the house and person a can’t relate to this.

PurpleFlower1983 · 20/10/2025 20:10

Twice a week at most.

CandelabraCat · 20/10/2025 20:16

ShesTheAlbatross · 20/10/2025 18:40

The hobby involves leaving at 7:30, but A is generally in bed by 8? I’d say that makes A a bit controlling tbh. The child is asleep, A is asleep, and B must sit at home?

Yeah, I was going to say twice per week, but if your partner is just in bed anyway then basically no limit 😂