New boyfriends attitude towards money is worrying me AIBU

[30andshattered]

I think my boyfriend has a bit of an ego regarding money. We both work full time, earn similar salaries and split the costs of dates and activities 50/50, yet he claims he pays more which isn’t true. It’s not a competition, but he acts like it is. He seems fine with me paying for things, but he won't acknowledge that I do.

He has also made comments recently about our future. For example, he mentioned that he would prefer me to be a stay at home mum when we have kids and that he would support us. I have no desire to be a stay at home mum, and I have never said that I do. He also said that we would choose a house together, but that he would handle the money side of things.

This is a relatively new relationship, so these things won’t be happening for a while anyway, but am I being unreasonable to find this a bit odd? Reg flag or…..?

You'll end up with no income and potentially a home in his sole name . It smacks of financial abuse.

He sounds like a complete idiot especially as you go halves on everything now. I have a couple of friends with DH’s like this. Theyact as if they are the breadwinner while the wives are working a few low paid jobs to pay for food and their DC’s activities and clothes and they are left with nothing for themselves.

You know it is a future you don’t want and a scenario that leaves you open to abuse. You have your answer. Set up to be trapped. I hope you read this and all the other advice and protect yourself.

Come on now @30andshattered are pickin's really that slim?

In the goddamn bin he goes, immediately!!

He's waving huge red flags. Time for you to wave bye bye.

Yep!

Bloody hell. It sounds like he's gone back to the 1950s. If you're getting negative vibes off him at this stage,I'd give him a miss OP. Things will only get worse,with him controlling every financial aspect of your life.

He's a fantasist/future faker. Unfortunately his fantasy isn't even attractive.

This is what he is like at the stage in the relationship where he should be making a 100% effort to show you how good and kind he is, marriage material, great father potential etc?
Instead, he shows you that he's a controlling 1950s misogynist.
He's not a keeper, he needs to get back in the sea and evolve some more.

Say it with me everyone!!

Sounds like financial abuse in waiting. Run

This just simply isnt going to work. Better to end it now than have a lifetime of disagreements.

Fuck him off. He’s showing who he is very clearly. Fling him back

I think he's threatened by your independent money and self reliance.
He wants you to feel dependent on him.
That's the future he has envisioned for you. Financially fucked and dancing to his tune.
He's given you fair warning.
Heed that warning and tell him to piss off.

Go and live your best life OP.

It isn't with him.

He’s shown you who he is. Believe him and leave now. This won’t ever be the kind of relationship you want.

So many men even when they’re the lower wage earner are very keen for their partner to be the SAHP because there’s no risk of them losing momentum in their career or having to deal with the brunt of child rearing during the most challenging period. If the relationship fails, the father usually walks away with the ability to restart a lot easier with their fully formed career, savings and pension intact.

Still amazes me how many people start threads with a line similar to ‘So having issues but should say he’s a great dad and I’m very lucky he allows me to be a SAHM…” like that equates to a somehow more easier gilded life when actually, unless he’s ones of the rare decent ones, the woman is really in quite a precarious situation which only reveals itself when for whatever reason they decide to split.

Run for the hills. You aren't compatible as you clearly have different outlooks. Your relationship is doomed. The fact he has what appear to be "strong" views should on itself be a deal breaker for you. At least if he was open to discussion, you "may" be able to meet a middle ground, but he comes over as a kind of "My way or the highway" kind of guy - the stereotypical ego-driven male who wants a doormat for a partner/wife.

He sees you as subservient to him. He doesn’t acknowledge that you pay equally because it ruins his image of him as the big man.
personally as someone who my ex was happy to spend ‘our’ money when I earned more than him but the second I went on mat leave and earned less than him it was suddenly ‘his’ money and I was no longer entitled to an opinion. I would walk away now. Fast.
Alternatively you need to challenge him and say “no, if I choose to have children I will continue to work and provide for my children”. And “you talk about what you have spent, you understand I spent ££ on x and £ on y which is roughly what you spent?” “No if we decide to buy a house we will make joint decisions and manage bills together” See how he reacts. It could be a clumsy attempt to impress you or it could be misogyny, either way this man is insecure.

Couldn't have put it better myself.

He's a tight controlling asshole who wants a trad wife to tell what to do.

Dump.

You see those hills over there? Run for them

I'll go a step futher. He'll want a tradition set up where you do all the cooking, cleaning and childcare but he'll also expect you to earn a full wage. Then he'll tell everyone he's the breadwinner who pays for everything.

He sounds like a boring misogynistic twat.

Throw him back.

Run. It won’t end well