Grandparents

[PinkPonyClubb]

Am I being entitled?

One set of grandparents “We’ve raised children don’t expect our help.” Fair enough. We know where we stand.

The other set, prior to birth, wanted to be very hands on.

We now have two children.

”The hands on” grandparents are well, not hands on. Haven’t been since DD1.

We pay for all childcare as we wanted hands on grandparents to enjoy special time with their grandchildren and help when necessary. However, if we ask for help it all seems too much. An example - picking up from after school club once a week. PIL won’t, they don’t like the hassle of picking up but are happy to spend time with DC if hubby drops them off. We don’t get time together as a couple as we can’t always guarantee PIL will have the children. I get envious of friends who PIL will help with childcare so they can go the gym.

I know they are our children, I wouldn’t expect anyone else to have them. I just wish it was made clear that it’s always a no rather than saying they would love to help, make out to family and friends they are helping when they don’t. Am I entitled for feeling envious of others and expecting a little help? I feel the grandparents want childcare on their terms and never want to help? Is the normal? Am I just spoilt?

2025. Normal.

Of course Grandparents want to spend time with child on their terms rather than be seen as 'childcare'

YANBU to be envious of others whose parents help but yes you are being entitled to expect it from your own or blame them for not having any 'couple time' ...that's what babysitters are for

I think you're being a little U 'excusing' your own parents with a 'fair enough' while expecting your PiL to be involved in the way that suits you, on the back of a vague statement of intent to be 'hands on'.
I think the problem lies when there is no clarity as to what 'involved' looks like and the GP think it means establishing a relationship with their GC that fits their life, and the parents see it as help that fits theirs.
Ideally it should involve a little of each. However what you think you might be capable of as a GP in theory is often different from the reality when presented with a couple of DC, possibly close in age.
I think the best to aim for is that your DC have loving GPs in their lives, and if that has a benefit for you as a side effect thats great, but a bonus.
I do feel for you though. GP who properly help are a god send. I had this and am trying to pay it forward with my own GC. Though as I'll still be working full time for at least another decade I know I can't be the GP my own parents were.

Personally IMO, I don't do 'childcare'.

I don't charge, nor get paid by my DC for spending time with my DGC, which is something I do weekly while DGC's parents are at work.

You're not BU for feeling envious, but it's not the GP's fault that you get no time together as a couple, it's a chance you take when you have DC of your own.

YANBU to be disappointed
Some couples have a lot of family help, and grand-parents that want to spend time with children.

Just accept you have no help from grand-parents, they are not interested, so make other arrangements. They will be the ones whining that they don't see their grand-children very soon, too bad.

You are a bit entitled to expect pick-up and We don’t get time together as a couple as we can’t always guarantee PIL will have the children.

if they are having them sometimes, you are already more lucky than others with no help.

Just don't bother with them at all, and plan other childcare.

I didn’t do childcare. The GCs are grown now, but I was working when they were young, and had my own life. 🤷‍♀️

Thank you everyone for your answers. It seems I am being a bit entitled. At least I know now. 😊

Regular picks ups are very different than occasionally getting the kids delivered to your front door for sure.

on your question ‘am I entitled to feel jealous of others’ then yes you are entitled… probably in both meanings of the word. Entitled meaning allowed. And entitled meaning spoilt

when you go to the gym can you not stop the kids at their front door on the way or so they still say no? I think you just have to be guided by what they feel capable to do… looking after kids is hard!

Yeah, the ‘help when necessary’ is unplanned for a good reason, like if you need to go to A&E, or take one child to A&E, not a routine pick up from after school once a week, or a routine thing for couples time!

My parents are happy with a FaceTime call once a fortnight- I’m envious yours actually want to spend quality time with yours!

The other thing I'd say is don't let perfect stop you appreciating and making the most of 'ok'. They will have the DC if dropped off so get DH to drop them off and work what you want to do around that. Learn the things they are OK with and make the most of those. Don't bother asking for or hankering after the no go's.

I hear you. My parents are the same. They've babysat 10 times max since my kid was born (now in his teens). They only live 20 mins drive away. I don't understand it either. They do give Christmas/birthday presents though and spend Christmas with us most years. Ya, I see grandparents who have their grandkids a few days a week. Maybe they're busy looking after themselves so you won't have to for years to come and recovering from raising kids themselves

We had absolutely no help from either, and I do mean nearly that. We did have one cinema night that lasted 40 minutes until my in laws phoned to say they couldn't settle my daughter on one occasion of 25 years of child rearing. Two sets of healthy parents. Am I entitled to it? No. Do I still quietly rage? Hell yeah.

No one enjoys the school run, or after club pick up so i think it's reasonable they don't want to do this.
I get that you are disappointed they aren't as hands on as they made out/you thought they would be, but this is true of many grandparents (the ones of my children are the same). They will now babysit of an evening if I ask in advance and plan it in, but this is occasional.
I do however have a brother who is a single parent who they prioritise which is the bit I find tricky as they will do pick ups for my niece and take her to after school clubs as they say we have two parents in our household.
I think you just have to accept it and move on.

why do you say that?

Plenty of parents enjoy picking up their kids and use the time to find out about their days. It's less fun if you have to do it every day and are rushing around work, but it's not true to say no one enjoys it

I’ve never had GPs help out. We took a secondment far away once upon a time and i loved not seeing any of my family and being self reliant with a reliable babysitter nearby.

However was also a little lonely. I came back to the UK knowing I would be closer to my friends and would be without affordable reliable childcare and no family support.
in the end we chose friends and familiarity.

sometimes I wonder if we should have stayed in the sunshine with affordable childcare tho…. It is a compromise we made tho.

one of my siblings returned to the UK after having kids overseas and was expecting more help from the GPs on both sides. I told them it was very unlikely and have sadly been proven right.

However They have effectively “adopted” a granny. The mum of one of their babysitters now helps them out each week. Running kids to after school activities. Doing tea time. Managing homework annd music practice. Plus stepping in to babysit the Occasional night or weekend away.

paid of course. But so much more reliable. She even turns up to watch nativity plays and the like (usually unpaid!).

I am jealous of this. Reliable childcare.

however it is expensive.

but I don’t know many families where the GPs are hands on. Most have their own lives to lead, even if they live nearby.

So I think YABU to expect more help. But YANBU to want them to be honest and upfront about it.

Hi OP, I don't think u r coming across as entitled at all. Ime, there is a huge variation in the amount of cc and support provided by GPS.
I have friends whose parents were heavily involved in the care of their children to the point where it seemed to be taken for granted. My parents were deceased and it was hard not to feel resentful at times.
For my own GC, I will support in any way possible (work commitments etc permitted).
And I love taking them on holiday and days out.
Take care OP, remember that comparison is the thief of joy.

If you compare to what you might have it will make you sad. Enjoy what you do have (which is more than me, fwiw, and at least my children have living grandparents which is more than others) and embrace it. I only get rhe rage now when my parents (who have babysit once in 13 years) talk about being active grandparents. It was most amusing when my mum tried to do some performative nappy changing of my third baby - the first (and last) grandchild nappy she had ever done - in front of some friends of hers, both of whom has provided regular, weekly, active grandparenting. She didn’t know one end of a disposable nappy from another.

It’s not entitled to expect your parents and parents in law to behave as though they are part of your family. If you are totally capable of participating in supporting your close family members and choose not to, I wouldn’t be surprised when they decide not to support you when you need it. I’m sure no one enjoys doing their elderly parents’ shopping or endless rounds of tech support but it’s just what you do because you are part of the same family who all want the best for each other.

It would certainly be entitled to expect or request your parents or in laws to retire so they can have your children nine to five every day so you can work, but a few after school club pickups? The occasional sleepover? Coming around to mind the children after they’ve been put in bed so the parents can go out together? These are very basic and standard grandparent activities. If you’re capable and everyone has a good relationship then that’s the bare minimum. I don’t care if grandparents didn’t choose for their children to have a baby - their own children didn’t ask to be born either, and they didn’t ask to be responsible for getting their parents to doctors appointments or doing personal care for them as they age either.

I think it’s twofold; the change in behaviour from PIL when you went from 1 to 2 and the lack of clarity on when/how they want to see GC/help.

The change in behaviour may be due to them struggling to look after 2 young children at the same time.

The lack of clarity is frustrating. I sympathise, we were encouraged to stay locally and have children but have yet to have a single night without our child and 4 short periods of babysitting/us asking for help (one was a necessary work meeting, another an unplanned hospital visit). Never an offer of support. Can you ask what they are comfortable with? One compromise for us was for the three of us to stay with PIL and we went out briefly (for 2 hours, one of the times mentioned above), this meant we’ve had one pub trip just as adults at least. My parents are not going to see my children unsupervised so limited options.

I get your disappointment, personally I can’t wait until my children have children and I can help out!

My parents didn’t do much in the way of regular babysitting etc, we’ve always lived 50 miles or so away from them, likewise the in laws. As the children got older, they did do more such as would have them in the summer for a few days, but week on week nothing. They were both young though 40’s and 50’s and working FT.

My brother has had his children much later in life and my parents are now 60’s and 70’s. They are more hands on with brothers children as they have the time as more now retired. Initially I was really envious, but then I gave myself a shake and remembered at least my children will have had them for longer - they’ll likely see both graduate/get married/have children, less likely with my Brothers children as they are babies/toddlers. So it’s swings and roundabouts

I think a lot of GPs like the idea. When the idea becomes a reality, especially if a second or more children are added, it’s too much for them.

YABU.

People offering free childcare for your children should never be presumed. Even if they’ve previously said they would. Once people do these things they often realise how tough it is, how much of a commitment it is and how much they just actually don’t like it.

Get yourself in touch with some local Nannies/babysitters and create a list of professionals that you can rely on as and when you need them.

I received no family support at all when my children were young. We didn't have any partner time. We knew that when we had children and to be honest it was completely ok.
Our children's grandparents loved them but they never looked after them.
Children don't stay children forever, there is plenty of time to do things without them when they leave home , which comes around very quickly.

There is a reallllly low bar on here for family helping each other out so I wouldn't take the comments as a representation of real life at all.

Of course it's disappointing, not just for the help but also building a relationship with the grandchildren.