Grandparents

[PinkPonyClubb]

Am I being entitled?

One set of grandparents “We’ve raised children don’t expect our help.” Fair enough. We know where we stand.

The other set, prior to birth, wanted to be very hands on.

We now have two children.

”The hands on” grandparents are well, not hands on. Haven’t been since DD1.

We pay for all childcare as we wanted hands on grandparents to enjoy special time with their grandchildren and help when necessary. However, if we ask for help it all seems too much. An example - picking up from after school club once a week. PIL won’t, they don’t like the hassle of picking up but are happy to spend time with DC if hubby drops them off. We don’t get time together as a couple as we can’t always guarantee PIL will have the children. I get envious of friends who PIL will help with childcare so they can go the gym.

I know they are our children, I wouldn’t expect anyone else to have them. I just wish it was made clear that it’s always a no rather than saying they would love to help, make out to family and friends they are helping when they don’t. Am I entitled for feeling envious of others and expecting a little help? I feel the grandparents want childcare on their terms and never want to help? Is the normal? Am I just spoilt?

Wow completely different life experiences ….……li think young people get on the housing ladder earlier here ….not unusual to have first mortgage in early 20s ( but then houses will be cheaper being in the north) ….half term here will be similar to yours for my GC ….activities with friends…but also days out with both sets of GPs and cousins …..my GDs live within walking distance of both sets of GP….2 GGPs….cousins on both sides of family….my GDs attend the same school as my DDs cousins children…..so in addition to 4 GPs, there are 3 great aunts and 3 adults cousins who will always do school runs if needed…..it’s a different way of life I guess

@MiserableMrsMopp im really sorry to hear that - 45 hours a week? That’s mad. Is there a reduction in sight?

we’ve got a family friend who well into her 70s was left with a baby gc for 10 plus hours a day for multiple days a week (and older gc). I can’t understand that kind of lack of care for your parents.

there’s no doubt that there is exploitation of some gp going on.

It sounds like a logistical dream!

I wouldn't expect this level of help and in your case I'd refuse.

YANBU.

My rule is: you get out what you put in. If GP only want to help on their terms, as suits them, and not when we or the kids actually need it, then that’s their call. But they can expect the same in return when it comes to the care, company & support they will need in due course. If you want to enjoy the good parts of family you have to be there for the hard parts. Also I think the self centredness of some GPs is a historically new phenomenon (along with longer life expectancies, the concept of retirement, financial inequalities between generations, etc) - it’s certainly not the norm historically nor across cultures.

My mother is as you describe: lies to friends and family she’s present and supportive, but to us in private she insists on being paid professional baby sitting rates (though she hasn’t done first aid, doesn’t get down and play, etc), even for rare/occasional care, and then she leaves the little ones in a room alone at the other end of the house while she goes and has a cup of tea (my sister caught her doing this).

My MIL is the opposite: too far & frail to provide regular care but when we’ve needed her (eg when I was recovering from surgery) she came, stayed over and helped. She genuinely loves her GC.

I do envy those whose GP regularly engage and support young familes, they are rare and to be cherished. I hope to do the same if I’m lucky enough to live that long.

My family operate like this.

As do quite a few other families that I know through daily grandparent school pick ups. At least half the families at 3.30 in the playground are grey haired grandparents.

That's up to you.

From my POV, grandchildren are a joy. Albeit an exhausting one.

I would love to be a DGM . If and when the happy time arrives I would love to help out .I do think though that it may be different when GP are presented with a lively tot or young baby. and they are not as mobile any more/still working /or have worked for years, and enjoying some downtime on hols.I will be like my DM I think No 1 babysitting .Maybe not regular CC though

It's regional, I think.

My cousins live up north and their parents all do pick-ups, after-school childcare and sleepovers. It's very uncommon where they live for kids not to spend at least a couple of evenings a week at their nan's.

We live in the south-east and of the few families we know with very involved grandparents, several are Asian and live in multi-generational households, one grandparent is primary carer since the mum is not capable and there's one other family where they all live in the same street.

You are still wanting to use them for childcare.

I think that those grandparents that suit themselves completely when the children are young cannot be surprised when they hit the busy teen years and are too busy to visit.

My friends parents were far too busy socialising to be around when her children were young, but when they slowed down in their 70's they started making demands that her teens visit at the weekend with her.

It came to a head one day and my friend said they are busy socialising and haven't the time or the interest, much like you were when they were young. I didn't force my children on you and I won't force you on them, so get over it.

It was harsh but she was sick of her parents implying that there was something wrong with her children because they had zero interest in visiting.

I think you're right to be annoyed when they are making out that they are really supportive and this isn't the case. Id call them out on this.

I live in London, quite a few grandparents not just me do regular pick ups a fair few of dds friends parents give the same support & help that I do so not sure it’s purely regional.

Hello, I don’t think you are being entitled, but like me you had different expectations compared to reality.
My mum is disabled but my dad absolutely adores seeing my son and when we go to visit, he’s so pleased and can’t wait to take him out and spend time with him. My in-laws on the other hand seem to think that spending time with him is just free childcare for us, and they don’t seem to want to do it. It’s fine, It’s just disappointing that they don’t want to spend more time with their grandson.

My mother-in-law told us she’d want to come and see us once every month to 6 weeks to spend time with her grandson and us, so we converted an office downstairs to have a sofa bed in. He’s now four years old and my husband and I have had a discussion about just putting a sofa in there because they’ve only stayed about 3 times. There’s no way we could ever raise it with Mil it without it turning into a drama.

I console myself that lots of people are in this situation. You probably do what I do and see the people with active grandparents and it makes you a bit sad or envious. But perhaps people see us with a nice house or enough money and they’re envious of that.

Another poster said just be happy for what you do have. I know people personally, and I’ve seen people post on here who had have not one days grandparent help.

I’m sorry that you are upset, I have been in the same boat and made peace with it.

It’s normal.

Theres a mum from school who has no relationship with her parents and she splits the pick up / drop off routine between her, her husband and her uncle.

There’s another mum whose own mother is very hands on with her kids - helping with the pick up / drop off routine and also helping with a child’s birthday party. I’ve never seen this woman’s husband and suspect he is no longer in the picture.

I don’t have any help. My mother died before I had a child and my dad is elderly and lives far away.

My cousin’s constantly drop their children at their mother’s house. She was medically retired early so she’s always home.

I can’t imagine having an expectation that someone would help me.

I made the decision to have a child - therefore it is my responsibility.

Things are very very different compared to when I was a child. We spent holidays with grandparents and regularly went over to our cousin’s house. But we lived close to each other. Back then we had a massive backyard and my parents would host everyone coming over. So they really nurtured those relationships. I live in a tiny place that is too small to host and no backyard.

I'm sure they are (I'm a mum of 2 small ones) and my mum is dead but have my mil and I wouldn't expect her to cover my full working week of childcare, she's almost 70. You can have the joy without the exhaustion

It wasn't expected. It was my idea.

My mum did the same. And when that stage of her life was over, she was sad. And I will be too. I try to live in the moment as much as I can.

well they are indeed all very lucky to have you @MiserableMrsMopp - I do know what you mean, it’s such a rewarding relationship in general, spending time with your children or grand children and seeing them grow, being involved.

I'm a 'boomer' and I used childminders and after school clubs for my children. I don't think that today's generation of parents 'don't know they're born' and I took voluntary redundancy/early retirement at 62 during the pandemic to care for my grandaughter two days a week. Now she is at school, I do the school run one day a week and probably one days a week during the school holidays. My other grandaughter's maternal grandparents do a lot of childcare in the school holidays.

Grandparents who make promises of childcare and then back out when the reality is harder than they thought, particularly if their adult DC have made decisions based on them originally agreeing to provide some child care, are being pretty selfish.

Grandparents who make promises of childcare and then back out when the reality is harder than they thought, particularly if their adult DC have made decisions based on them originally agreeing to provide some child care, are being pretty selfish.

Or, only when faced with the reality of doing it everyday, realise how much more difficult it is to do that in your mid 60s or even 70s than it was when you were decades younger. I doubt very much anyone says they will commit to something like that then realises they can't, just to mess with someone else's head

I know they are our children, I wouldn’t expect anyone else to have them

But you do. You expect your PILs to have them. But not your parents.

Should we talk about the mental health crisis your generation created…

WTAF?

Can you please explain to me how I created your mental health crisis (or anyone else's) @PinkPonyClubb ?

I'm 69. And relatively free from any physical or health issues. I don't do regular childcare, but I do irregular days quite often to help out, and the occasional sleepovers because I love my little granddaughters and it's fun

But it's absolutely exhausting. I cherish every moment, and they're very easy compared to some children. But it really takes it out of me. Just in the last two years I've noticed the difference in how I feel after a day's childcare. Getting old isn't for the faint hearted, it's true. But I think there are many parents of young children who really don't understand (and why would they?) how physically hard childcare becomes as we get older.

I'm really glad that I didn't make any rash promises six years ago when DGD#1 made her appearance.

I found young children hard in my 40's, my own children!
I couldn't fathom doing it in my 60's.
I would lik e to think Inwould do anything I could when they are stuck, to help out when overwhelmed or needing a night out.
But daily childminding is not something I would want to commit too, having seen how tiring others find it.
I am happy with that.
I never had a single moments help from either families, we just got onnwith it and lived accordingly.
With 3 children it was tough at times, but we just accepted it and got on with it.
Just like everyone did.