Do men need postpartum support?

[theprincessthepea]

Influenced by another thread which has made me reflect on how having a baby has affected my relationship, it has made me wonder if men need some level of support postpartum. Yes, we drag them along to antenatal classes, we tell them how they can support us, we tell them to suck it up because the women will need them, we remind them that they can take paternity leave and that they should fight for it etc etc

But on reflection, I’ve had two children.

My first I had very bad postnatal depression, the relationship did not survive three years in. Which led to coparenting. We probably would have broken up with or without the baby but there was a struggle on my side and I don’t think he knew how to support me or what to look out for. Then he went through abit of a breakdown and became addicted to some stuff and the relationship just died.

My second, which I had 10 years later I was very obsessed with the baby, I really enjoyed motherhood, but I did completely ignore my OH. I wasn’t romantically interested. No interest in sex. But had a great time enjoying my mat leave and spent time with my family for extra support.

In both scenarios, I did ignore my OH. We accepted that we wouldn’t be intimate, but I didn’t realise how long it took before I became more romantically interested.

Yes, childbirth affects the woman the most in terms of the emotional and physical toll. However, I have had a moment where I have felt very sorry for the partner, because our lives have drastically changed, and they sort of sit on the sidelines until we get better.

What do you think?

Sorry, where is ‘first’ coming from?
The thread is about men need support in the form of training and education in order to better support their partners at home when discharged from the hospital with a newborn.

It’s about how to ensure better support for women in their homes.

You really don’t seem to get that. This isn’t men vs women. Or who is first.

Exactly. That you need all the right pieces in place to move forward.

I think new fathers absolutely need support. Men often have little experience or example of how to support their partner at that stage, and little of babies, and their feelings can be just as complicated as the mum's and there are pressures around being the support person.

Ideally though I think most support for new mums and dads doesn't come from nurses or health care workers. It comes from friends and family and the local community.

Support from paid social workers is a fairly inadequate substitute where society has become so unravelled that people have no community of family able to offer what is required.

Yes absolutely it should ensure they don’t but if you have a partner, they need to know what you will need. They don’t know it by magic and some of them don’t know that they need to. It’s better for everyone to have knowledge and understanding.

helping one doesn’t mean losing the other. We have the resources to do both.

This is rather true in a lot of cases.

It would be no surprise to me that they lack the intelligence and capacity to identify or fix this and almost all of society’s problems.

History is the performance report of men running things.

They’ve covered themselves in shit, not glory.

My OH actually had some very good talks with his own Dad about this and I think he is trying to pay it forward when talking to other men he knows who's partners are pregnant. I think men need to be supporting other men more in this and I hope that talking about these things becomes more normalised.

It’s not for you. For me, post and pre pregnancy care for women is not as it should be.

Better care for women in their homes is not always a man. Very often a massive issue is a man.

So yes I do get it. This is men v women when you’re looking for post care and who comes first. It’s women.

Don’t assume they always have someone. You don’t see my view point and I’m glad you have that bubble.

I think men need more support in all stages of the life course. I know it’s not a popular cause but men are really struggling at the moment. I work in MH. Men are really lost. Their old role models are shunned now, too masculine, too aggressive, too alcohol dependent, not in touch with their feelings. Yet they are expected to detach and go back to work after two weeks. So we want them to be like new mums in terms of bonding, share of work load and attachment but also not be too attached to feel happy going back to work and not doing too much or they’ll encroach on the mums. In the old days, they were expected to just let their wives get on with it, with support from their mums and wife’s family. Now we’re so isolated. I think they want to help but often don’t know how

I think in some circumstances, yes. But it is the support that any close family member might need if a loved one has an awful accident, medical emergency, or illness. And that doesn’t exist as far as I’m aware, beyond maybe some NHS talking therapies if you said you were feeling anxious.

I know someone who watched his wife nearly die and then be put into an induced coma following a massive heart attack the day after giving birth to twins. He was in the hospital with newborn twins being told he needed to prepare himself that they might not be able to resuscitate her.

My DH was scared to leave the house because he was worried he’d come back and find I’d killed myself (not at all an unjustified fear on his part given my mental health after DD2 was born).

I don’t think you have got my viewpoint at all as you have repeatedly misconstrued it. I haven’t made assumptions that all women will have a male partner at home either, the support being envisioned would apply to lesbian couples as well imho.

Feel free to express your view point in an independent comment. I’d be interested to read it instead of your strange reactions to my comments.

The men got sent out of our antenatal group for the "sensitive postnatal" stuff, down to the bar for a drink.

I understand WHY we needed a safe space for that part of the discussion, but they also needed to hear what happens to women PP and what helps/harms them.

Most of my husband's source of upset post baby came after the newborn bubble when he didn't understand my needs and why we were bickering about household stuff.

All of our antenatal group agreed afterwards that their husbands needed to hear that stuff.

You’ve said men need fixing to support their partners. You’ve said the mechanic needs finding before we can fix the car.

What was your point?

Why are you talking about lesbians? It makes no odds whether it’s a man or woman supporting. If they’re not carrying the baby, their needs come second imo.