I have 4 teen DDs, DD1 has just turned 17, DD2 is 15, and I have twins who are 14. DD1 is in Y12, DD2 is in Y11 and the twins are in Y10. Their father and I divorced when they were very small, but have both since remarried, neither of us have had more children. They don't go to the same schools, so DD1 is at a grammar school (she was offered private in Y7, Y9 and again for this year but doesn't want to move), DD2 goes to a bilingual school (their father is French, this was her pick), and the twins go to a local all girls private school (neither wanted the international school and neither got into any of the grammar schools).
Right now I am really struggling with all 4 girls, they are all very different personalities, none of them seem to like each other and while they all have amazing qualities, they also all have their flaws, much like any teenager.
They also, all seem to really dislike each other.
DD1 is incredibly intelligent, all 8s and 9s in her GCSEs, very self-motivated for study, she really struggles with friendships though and bullying. She goes to the same school as my niece, in the same year and my niece claims that she has a bit of reputation for being a tattle tale so people don't want to be her friend as they always feel like she is just waiting to run and tell a teacher if they ever break rules. DD has also given up all her hobbies, she used to enjoy football, violin and skiing but now has absolutely no interest in any of them. I am also not saying this to be cruel and I'd never say this to DD but over the last year or so she has also gained a significant amount of weight, mostly as she is extremely inactive. When she had friends she would walk a good amount of the way to school (take one bus, walk the rest with them) but now she just takes the bus from the bottom of our street, then changes for another bus with effectively drops her off at the school gates. When she gets home she just sits in her room, studies, watches tv etc. Her father also gives her an allowance which she tends to just spend on snacks. I have no idea how to approach this with her. She also has a terrible attitude and can be quite mean to her sisters.
DD2 is probably my most balanced child, she does well in school, has a great sense of humour and is always busy with friends/sports/music. She is much more confident than DD1. The biggest issues with DD2 are 1. All 3 of her sisters have told me she is sexually active, I've spoken to her about this, conversations about contraception etc. but she claims she isn't and if she was it would be none of my business. 2. Low level disruption in school, her school doesn't have uniform but it does has strict dress codes and DD loves to push the boundaries of this. Her father lets her buy whatever clothes she wants (so lots of tiny skirts, crop tops etc.), this results in detentions pretty often, which she doesn't seem to care about. 3. She makes no effort with family life, she rarely eats dinner with us, preferring to make her own food when she gets in, she goes to her dads often mostly as he lets her stay out late with friends. She is definitely closer to her dad but I think this is because he doesn't really police her behaviour (he let her get a bellybutton piercing over the summer, doesn't care if she smokes when out with friends). Generally she's a good kid though, doesn't talk back, will learn her lesson if she gets told off and studies for school.
DD3 (one of the twins), she is my kind child, very friendly to everyone, loves animals, loves horse riding. She does okay in school but makes a limited effort (despite being certain she wants to be a vet), she is a bit of a scatter brain so we have constant issues with homework, we have set up systems to help with this but she is also just generally uninterested in putting an effort in. She is very diplomatic and puts a real effort in with all of her sisters which doesn't go unnoticed. She also really struggles to look after her belongings, we have had to buy her countless new blazers as she just leaves them on the bus, on the tube etc. She currently doesn't have a smartphone as she lost one, broke the other which creates a lot of arguments, She has a little flip phone but I refuse to get her another smartphone unless she takes care of her things, which she just doesn't! She has been assessed for ADHD but there was no diagnosis.
DD4 is my nightmare child, she is intelligent, curious and funny but god she's a nightmare to live with. She cannot keep her room clean, no matter that punishment, we say no food in rooms, I still find wrappers everywhere, she just throws clothes on the floor. She screams and shouts if she doesn't get her way (we don't give in, but she just keeps screaming). She has issues in school as she talks back to teachers but no punishment seems effective. She is also extremely cruel to her sisters, especially DD2. I think this is because DD2 couldn't be any less interested in her sisters if she tried and gives no attention to DD4s outbursts but she is constantly mocking her weight (DD2 is very tall (5'11) and slim, she is healthy she is just built that way. DD2 doesn't care but I refuse to listen to her being cruel so she almost always have her phone confiscated, isn't allowed out with friends and allowance docked, no punishment seems to bother her much though and she just continues with the behaviour.
In addition to all this, they all claim we play favourites, I try very hard not to do this, but different personalities result in different punishments. It is also very hard to punish DD2 as she just goes to her dads. My ex does play favourites with DD2, but I have spoken to him about this and he refuses to change it and claims he doesn't.
Right now life is just so miserable, I feel like every day is a war, there is never a day where everyone just behaves and gets along. I know a lot of it is normal teen behaviour but the mixture of it all together is leaving me feeling extremely down all the time. I've suggested that DD2 and one of the others spend the week with their dad to try and balance the weight of it, DD2 is up for this but she seems to decide where she sleeps based on her activities rather than a set contact schedule. None of the others want this, mostly as their dad is less inclined to run around after them. But I have also just run out of effective punishments and I don't even know which issues are most pertinent anymore so need addressing first.
AIBU to feel like I'm totally failing at motherhood right now?
Can anyone help me figure out what issues need dealt with immediately as I just can't handle all of it at once!