Really struggling with 4 teen DDs

[4for3]

I have 4 teen DDs, DD1 has just turned 17, DD2 is 15, and I have twins who are 14. DD1 is in Y12, DD2 is in Y11 and the twins are in Y10. Their father and I divorced when they were very small, but have both since remarried, neither of us have had more children. They don't go to the same schools, so DD1 is at a grammar school (she was offered private in Y7, Y9 and again for this year but doesn't want to move), DD2 goes to a bilingual school (their father is French, this was her pick), and the twins go to a local all girls private school (neither wanted the international school and neither got into any of the grammar schools).
Right now I am really struggling with all 4 girls, they are all very different personalities, none of them seem to like each other and while they all have amazing qualities, they also all have their flaws, much like any teenager.
They also, all seem to really dislike each other.

DD1 is incredibly intelligent, all 8s and 9s in her GCSEs, very self-motivated for study, she really struggles with friendships though and bullying. She goes to the same school as my niece, in the same year and my niece claims that she has a bit of reputation for being a tattle tale so people don't want to be her friend as they always feel like she is just waiting to run and tell a teacher if they ever break rules. DD has also given up all her hobbies, she used to enjoy football, violin and skiing but now has absolutely no interest in any of them. I am also not saying this to be cruel and I'd never say this to DD but over the last year or so she has also gained a significant amount of weight, mostly as she is extremely inactive. When she had friends she would walk a good amount of the way to school (take one bus, walk the rest with them) but now she just takes the bus from the bottom of our street, then changes for another bus with effectively drops her off at the school gates. When she gets home she just sits in her room, studies, watches tv etc. Her father also gives her an allowance which she tends to just spend on snacks. I have no idea how to approach this with her. She also has a terrible attitude and can be quite mean to her sisters.

DD2 is probably my most balanced child, she does well in school, has a great sense of humour and is always busy with friends/sports/music. She is much more confident than DD1. The biggest issues with DD2 are 1. All 3 of her sisters have told me she is sexually active, I've spoken to her about this, conversations about contraception etc. but she claims she isn't and if she was it would be none of my business. 2. Low level disruption in school, her school doesn't have uniform but it does has strict dress codes and DD loves to push the boundaries of this. Her father lets her buy whatever clothes she wants (so lots of tiny skirts, crop tops etc.), this results in detentions pretty often, which she doesn't seem to care about. 3. She makes no effort with family life, she rarely eats dinner with us, preferring to make her own food when she gets in, she goes to her dads often mostly as he lets her stay out late with friends. She is definitely closer to her dad but I think this is because he doesn't really police her behaviour (he let her get a bellybutton piercing over the summer, doesn't care if she smokes when out with friends). Generally she's a good kid though, doesn't talk back, will learn her lesson if she gets told off and studies for school.

DD3 (one of the twins), she is my kind child, very friendly to everyone, loves animals, loves horse riding. She does okay in school but makes a limited effort (despite being certain she wants to be a vet), she is a bit of a scatter brain so we have constant issues with homework, we have set up systems to help with this but she is also just generally uninterested in putting an effort in. She is very diplomatic and puts a real effort in with all of her sisters which doesn't go unnoticed. She also really struggles to look after her belongings, we have had to buy her countless new blazers as she just leaves them on the bus, on the tube etc. She currently doesn't have a smartphone as she lost one, broke the other which creates a lot of arguments, She has a little flip phone but I refuse to get her another smartphone unless she takes care of her things, which she just doesn't! She has been assessed for ADHD but there was no diagnosis.

DD4 is my nightmare child, she is intelligent, curious and funny but god she's a nightmare to live with. She cannot keep her room clean, no matter that punishment, we say no food in rooms, I still find wrappers everywhere, she just throws clothes on the floor. She screams and shouts if she doesn't get her way (we don't give in, but she just keeps screaming). She has issues in school as she talks back to teachers but no punishment seems effective. She is also extremely cruel to her sisters, especially DD2. I think this is because DD2 couldn't be any less interested in her sisters if she tried and gives no attention to DD4s outbursts but she is constantly mocking her weight (DD2 is very tall (5'11) and slim, she is healthy she is just built that way. DD2 doesn't care but I refuse to listen to her being cruel so she almost always have her phone confiscated, isn't allowed out with friends and allowance docked, no punishment seems to bother her much though and she just continues with the behaviour.

In addition to all this, they all claim we play favourites, I try very hard not to do this, but different personalities result in different punishments. It is also very hard to punish DD2 as she just goes to her dads. My ex does play favourites with DD2, but I have spoken to him about this and he refuses to change it and claims he doesn't.

Right now life is just so miserable, I feel like every day is a war, there is never a day where everyone just behaves and gets along. I know a lot of it is normal teen behaviour but the mixture of it all together is leaving me feeling extremely down all the time. I've suggested that DD2 and one of the others spend the week with their dad to try and balance the weight of it, DD2 is up for this but she seems to decide where she sleeps based on her activities rather than a set contact schedule. None of the others want this, mostly as their dad is less inclined to run around after them. But I have also just run out of effective punishments and I don't even know which issues are most pertinent anymore so need addressing first.

AIBU to feel like I'm totally failing at motherhood right now?
Can anyone help me figure out what issues need dealt with immediately as I just can't handle all of it at once!

Oh and my friend used to collect their stuff like charges, favourite shit and hide it and play dumb when they asked where it was.
Nothing like giving them an hour or two finding things to knock a bit of manners into them.
Then it might mysteriously turn up.
She never let on that she was doing it.

Very effective.

Stop paying their phone bills and put WiFi off

Honestly, we pretty much are an ingredients house. The issue is their father gives them an allowance which just gets spent on junk in DD1 and DD4s case. DD2 is very health conscious so less an issue there and DD3 ends up having to spend her allowance on replacing random things she’s lost so no money for junk anyway!

All of them have school work that needs to be done online so we can’t just turn the WiFi off. They also need to be able to check bus times, reroute themselves if a bus is late or there are delays on the tube for school so I can’t not pay their phone bills either. The only reason DD3 can get away without a smartphone right now is as she travels to and from school with her sister.

Do they do anything together? Are all your relationships separate? If so this could create competitiveness and feeling of favouritism, or give opportunity for one girl to just check out. Can they plan an informal activity you all do together occasionally, outside of the home, that gets put on the calendar. A time to check in with each other, learn to trust each other and have fun together.

I think you might be a bit delusional about your second born...

Could you do this?
Bottom line is you need to protect your health.

I know two women with 3 daughters each and they were largely broken women during the teen years, despite being with their childrens father.

They spent a lot of those years playing tennis and regularly went on business trips.
It all came good in their 20's.

You've stuck labels on each of them - which is a sure sign you don't see them as full individual people. Please stop doing this and get to know them properly.

I have three teenagers and an adult child. My parents also had four (though bigger ade gaps) and did the labelling each of us (eldest = sensible "plodder", bit fat, second = sensitive, beautiful, fragile, third = social butterfly, everyone loves her, bit ditzy, shallow, fourth= cute but prone to depression, puppy dog, soulful, just wants to be loved, family orientated etc. - we had the labels before we even entered our teens and nothing we said or did shifted them from the boxes they'd put is in and we quickly learned that it didn't actually make any difference what we said or did.

Labels never encapsulate the person, just define their relationship with the labeller.

I try to organise things all together. DD2 has no interest in her sisters at all, she’s been like this since she was young. They went to the same pre-prep school for several years and I remember one of the teachers telling me DD2 claimed she didn’t have any sisters! Once DD2 turned 7 she moved to the bilingual school, she wasn’t really thriving in the same school as her sisters and she spoke more French than English so we thought it might be the better choice. It absolutely has been but it does mean she doesn’t relate to her sisters much!

Care to expand?

Maybe tip the power balance. Literally put it repeating on the calendar, set the budget and tell them they will be doing something together that day, they need to plan it. You instantly set them up as a sibling group with a common aim, making this day as least irritating as possible. It is a small thing & I appreciate you have a lot going on so may not seem important but it could change the dynamic a little.

Well you say she is your most balanced.. Then go on to say she takes nothing to do with family life,-pretending she doesn't even have sisters, is "low-level" disruptive at school and it's very health conscious but smokes and potentially has unsafe sex

I think having 4 teenage girls was never going to be easy! I had 5 boys and as long as they were fed and exercised there was very little fighting amongst them and it was short lived when they did fall out. Girls are much more complex! I was one of 3 girls and we were hellers to be honest, we had proper physical fights and screaming matches - we held grudges and plotted revenge 😂 we get on fine as adults!

I think you just have to pick your battles and don't get too involved in rows or disagreements as long as there's no blood drawn! It's fine to say 'don't be nasty to each other please' but doling out punishments at this age isn't going to work.

I would concentrate on trying to spend a bit of time with DD1, maybe ask her to sign up to a gym class with you as you want to try and get a bit fitter? Cook healthy meals and encourage healthy snacks but don't be overzealous. I lived on frazzles, toast and gin as a teenager but have a pretty healthy diet now. It's just a phase and you have to let a lot of things go. Try and make some healthy smoothies or frozen yoghurts for after school and buy wholewheat bread, pasta and wraps to get a bit of fibre into their diet. They all sound fairly typical teens and could be a lot worse!

I don’t really think it’s an issue that she isn’t close to her sisters. I was never close to my brothers growing up, obviously she doesn’t announce to anyone she doesn’t have sisters now, that was a little point I made from when she was in Y1/Y2!
I agree the smoking is a massive issue, but by health conscious I meant she works out often, eats really well, never seems to snack etc.

I m one of 4 girls, divorced parents, mostly left with Mum - absent but indulgent Dad. My parents hated each other. We were me, twins (-2 years from me) 1 other (-7 years from me).

It was bloody tough. We also went from ££££ to no money, council house, 5 of us in a double and 2 single rooms. (I shared with my Mum and youngest sister).

My thoughts.

Try not to think of them as “types”. You describe them well but beware labelling them (the clever one, the beautiful one etc). This caused us huge problems. One sister was the “business brain” - based on selling sweets to her friends, for example.

Involve them in the solutions. Keep them busy and make them pull their weight at home - all scrupulously equally. I found it hard when I was expected to spend all my earnings on the food shop while my sister was praised for being frugal and saving for a car, while paying nothing.

It can’t just be equal, it has to be transparently equal.

One to one time, again done equally. But also 2 to 1. Try and mix up the pairings. This generates the many combinations needed to make the whole work

See if you can find different things you do with different kids. Bake Off with 2 of them etc.

Have a night a week when you all sit down together, for half an hour or so. No phones. Just talk. We struggled with each other most, when we saw each other least.

Only accept information about a child from that child. (Or say that you do). Our house was a nasty mess of gossip and she said / she said. I am still castigated for things I apparently did that I know I didn’t do.

Sorry. You sound at your wits’ end and it must be so, so hard. Please ignore the above if it is no use to you. My family was hugely dysfunctional and these are just some things that, retrospectively, might have helped.

Also, don’t sweat the small stuff. My ADHD utterly messy DS is now a very tidy, clean adult!!!

You have my sympathy op . Hoping it gets better for you all soon. I'm sure it will x

OP please google Non Violent Resistance it is a different way of managing challenging behaviour with children and young people. Too much info to list here but it gives good ideas. The title is confusing it doesn't mean children are always violent. NVR shows how you can't always change your child's behaviour but can change your response. Good luck

This sounds very challenging but I just wanted to remind you that this is incredibly identifying with the number of separate data points you’ve given (unless you’ve dramatically disguised the age and schools of each) and anyone who knows your or your girls will know who you are. So please don’t write anything you wouldn’t want your daughters reading.

Boarding school x 4!!!!

Nothing sounds that bad. You just have too many kids with various personalities, reaching adulthood and being who they are

Yes, she's the one that would give me most cause for concern. She seems very dismissive of her mum as well.
None of mum's business? She's 15,!

Individually, they all sound OK to me. I think you need to look after yourself and your own mental and physical health primarily. Set a good example and the rest will follow.
DD2 with those age gaps - does not surprise me she became independent early. If she is in a French school, a lot of the behaviour sounds very French teen. However, I would be slightly concerned about an ED and also the safe sex aspect.

I have two young boys so no help, I'm sorry. I just wanted to say you seem like a very caring mum who knows her daughters very well and just wants the best for all of them. I can't imagine how hard it must be to juggle four teenagers with completely different personalities and needs.

I think your ex is right in the sense that you can't punish your daughter for having sex. You do need to make condoms available to her. Doesn't matter if she says she's not sexually active - tell her "I don't know if you are or not, and honestly I'd prefer if you waited a little bit longer, but if and when you do make sure to protect yourself."

Re the smoking - you can't actually stop her. Part of the appeal may even be your reaction. You can however absolutely ban tobacco inside your home. I know it's not what you'd want for her but it's not something you can control at this point so let go.

Re the staying out late - not sure you can totally control it. You can demand that she let you know what time she'll be home, and if late that she show consideration and not make noise etc.

In general I'd give where you can. This is them preparing to be independant and fly the nest. In a few short years they'll be living on their own. They need to start being independant now. And yeah that means letting them make their own mistakes, as hard as that is.

I don’t have much advice, but as the oldest of 4 girls who were all teenagers at the same time - it’s not you and your parenting, it’s them 😂 our parents probably could’ve written a very similar post about us, but fundamentally we were just 4 very different people, all living under one roof with hormones and a competitive streak. Now we’re older, we’re all doing our own thing and living separately we’re far closer. They’ll grow out of it eventually!