Moving day ruined

[Prinajdjd]

I have 2 toddlers and my DH’s sister recently moved in with us due to tragedy in the family. He took her in but as he works like crazy, I, being a stay at home mom do the care giving, the cooking, cleaning etc. Our kids are 3 and 1. We recently moved to get a bigger house. We’ve known we were moving for a couple of weeks and instead of packing he used his free time to play video games while I did ALL the packing and labelling by myself as well as 24/7 care giving of three children. On actual moving day it was pushed back to today. As my DH had meetings and refused to reschedule even though he is self employed, we had to wake up half 6 to accommodate for his schedule, as he decided it was best to leave us in the unfurnished house with no stair gates or safety measures for my youngsters. I agreed because we both needed to be there with IDs to pick up the keys from the letting agent. I instead took the three kids and I shopping. When he got back I requested we stayed back into our old house until the new one was furnished as it was unsafe and the electric wasn’t on. He said I was being unreasonable as the trip back would take too long (30 minutes away) and he had other things to pick up. He remained in a strop all day and went out at 2 after dropping as back home. He came back at nearly 9 pm, still haven’t had picked up any furniture as he claimed he had chest pains due to the stress. I told him if that was true he would stay, help me put the kids to sleep and we could both tackle the moving tomorrow. I had also only had a few hours sleep from having to pack the remaining items when the kids were asleep with no help. I felt stir crazy as I’d been going 13 hours no break and I was at my breaking point. He instead at 9 pm said he was going to take the furniture up and he didn’t want to “babysit” kids while I just rested on my phone and if I wasn’t going to go straight to sleep I wasn’t as tired as I was claiming. As things were very heated and he was adamant I was the problem, I left with the kids (apart from his sister) and went to more sympathetic people- my parents. How can I possibly be in the wrong?

@Prinajdjd I can't believe he said babysitting about his own children, it's called parenting, which it sounds like he doesn't do. He's not a partner and you'd be better off alone. I will never understand men who don't want to spend time with their own children.

His behaviour on the surface seems unreasonable BUT what was the family tragedy that led his 13 year old sister to leave her home and move in with her adult brother? Surely this family tragedy is also seriously affecting him? I think the move has probably come at the worst time possible and he isn't coping at all? I would tell him you have sympathy but you cannot deal with this alone. He needs to bite the bullet and come through for this and then he can look into (grief?) counselling for him and his sister to get back on an even keel.

It’s his half sister and only to do with her dads side of the family.

He has a van and was offered by many friends to help move but declined. He also was meant to move the furniture starting with the beds immediately after work but didn’t think to until 9pm when it was the kids bed time and I was already knackered.

But why not arrange for day when he isn't working?? Who moves after work? No wonder he didn't want to do it. But is bad that he didn't help with packing. Did he want to move in 2 weeks time? This is what I don't get.

He insisted for the move to “get it out the way so we could focus on work” but when I realised this would be impossible in a day I tried to delay it. Once he gets an idea in his head it’s very hard to change it.

He sounds like an absolute man child boot his arse!! Out the door preferably or stop letting him get away with all that

He's an arsehole.
But on the other hand the whole thing sounds really badly planned and perhaps you don't communicate effectively with each other.
If you've got a month to leave the place you are currently living in you have time to do the move in stages at an appropriate time. I don't really understood why you had to move on the day you got the keys and therefore do it after work, which was always going to be a nightmare and a failure.
You need to sit together and make a proper plan as to how the move is going to take place, what time the friends with vans will be coming, what will be moved first etc.

I really disagree.

Getting a job is a way of regaining some control and give her a means to some independence and choices.

Flapping about saying she can’t work because she has got young children so she should just live with a man who is abusive until…well until when…is not constructive. It’s not a solution to just keep doing what she’s doing.

How do you think she should ‘deal with the current situation’? She can’t make him into a different person.

@Prinajdjd he’s just an arsehole, that’s the problem, and that will never change.

When he got back I requested we stayed back into our old house until the new one was furnished as it was unsafe and the electric wasn’t on.

He wanted you to move into a house where the electricity was disconnected? That's nuts.

Moving day is always a nightmare but much more so when there's only one functioning adult. He sounds so disorganised I'm surprised he can run any sort of business.

I would remind him that whilst hes working, your looking after his sister 24/7 and he needs to buck up his ideas before he ends up a single dad.

If my husband did that I'd say, I'm only packing mine and the kids. You are responsible for your own packing. I would have enjoyed watching him sweat! Then I'd go to my parents with the children while removals moved through furniture over. Why didn't you use removals? Is your husband going to bring it all over himself?!

God I hate people like you. So smug and self satisfied, as if thousands of women the world over haven't experienced their husbands becoming useless trolls later in life or after marriage or after kids. Most women stuck in shit relationships didn't initially choose a shit relationship.

Adding absolutely nothing to the conversation except your own bile.

I asked him to and he said no he wouldn’t pay for it.

Stay where you are for now. I'd suggest that, before you go to the new place, the two of you agree that

(1) while you, as a SAHP for now, currently handle the childcare (and probably housework) 100% during his working hours, it's split 50/50 at all other times. (And watch out for him claiming to be working when he's not in order to shirk his household/family responsibilities - I could be off base but his "babysitting" remark makes it sound like he thinks he shouldn't have ANY parenting responsibilities).

(2) the two of you make family/household decisions together, with equal input, and communicate clearly about any changes.

And hold him to it. And consider going back to work full time and splitting everything truly 50/50, unless you genuinely have enough money of your own to survive for the next several years without bringing in anything. He's demonstrated that he is at best unreliable, uncommunicative, and unable to listen to feedback and compromise when he is causing a huge problem for you and the children. Don't continue indefinitely in a situation where he has excessive control over you and the children.

And watch out for his sulking or stropping as a way to control you, punishing you for failing to do exactly as HE wants until you're afraid to speak your mind or trust your judgement because his reaction is so unpredictable and unpleasant. I'm not saying he does that routinely, but if you see a pattern pay attention because it is often an early sign of abuse. Trust your judgement.

He's obviously being unreasonable. But is he always like this, or is he only like it now because he hasn't been able to process whatever the family tragedy was?
If it's this, he needs counselling. He needs to understand that he's being unreasonable. He might be too lost in his own grief to see the damage he's doing to his own family.
If he's always like this, stay at your parents and get divorced.

Meant to add:
Is money a problem? If you genuinely couldn't afford removals, which I find hard to believe, you should not be letting him do nothing while you pack.
If he wants to do it himself let him do it himself. Don't run around enabling him. Drop the rope.

Your husband is a giant arsehole.
Leave him.
The only unreasonable thing is you staying with him and having children with him.
He’s a prick.

Is money the problem or is her access to money a problem. He said he wouldn't pay for it but OP do you have access to money? Or are you afraid of what would happen if you did something he didn't want to?

Your husband sounds like an arsehole. Why are you with him?

The 13 year old is not hers. She is DH’s sister.

But she’s part of the family now so would be mean not to include her in the group

Yes but I was replying to someone who was referring to OP becoming a single parent with 3 children living with her. She wouldn’t, the 13 year old would be living with her ex.

Helpful.