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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving day ruined

84 replies

Prinajdjd · 18/10/2025 01:36

I have 2 toddlers and my DH’s sister recently moved in with us due to tragedy in the family. He took her in but as he works like crazy, I, being a stay at home mom do the care giving, the cooking, cleaning etc. Our kids are 3 and 1. We recently moved to get a bigger house. We’ve known we were moving for a couple of weeks and instead of packing he used his free time to play video games while I did ALL the packing and labelling by myself as well as 24/7 care giving of three children. On actual moving day it was pushed back to today. As my DH had meetings and refused to reschedule even though he is self employed, we had to wake up half 6 to accommodate for his schedule, as he decided it was best to leave us in the unfurnished house with no stair gates or safety measures for my youngsters. I agreed because we both needed to be there with IDs to pick up the keys from the letting agent. I instead took the three kids and I shopping. When he got back I requested we stayed back into our old house until the new one was furnished as it was unsafe and the electric wasn’t on. He said I was being unreasonable as the trip back would take too long (30 minutes away) and he had other things to pick up. He remained in a strop all day and went out at 2 after dropping as back home. He came back at nearly 9 pm, still haven’t had picked up any furniture as he claimed he had chest pains due to the stress. I told him if that was true he would stay, help me put the kids to sleep and we could both tackle the moving tomorrow. I had also only had a few hours sleep from having to pack the remaining items when the kids were asleep with no help. I felt stir crazy as I’d been going 13 hours no break and I was at my breaking point. He instead at 9 pm said he was going to take the furniture up and he didn’t want to “babysit” kids while I just rested on my phone and if I wasn’t going to go straight to sleep I wasn’t as tired as I was claiming. As things were very heated and he was adamant I was the problem, I left with the kids (apart from his sister) and went to more sympathetic people- my parents. How can I possibly be in the wrong?

OP posts:
Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 18/10/2025 07:55

GentleJadeOP · 18/10/2025 07:40

How can she get a job when she has two small children and a 13 year old? The childcare costs would outweigh any wages

Show quote history

Do you really think she can’t work and have kids? Plus the 13 yo is not her child.

I’m guessing dh’s parents have died? How long ago was that?

safetyfreak · 18/10/2025 07:55

I voted YABU because you chose this lazy shit as your husband. Reap what you sow.

Enjoy your prize.

GentleJadeOP · 18/10/2025 07:58

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 18/10/2025 07:50

She doesn't have a 13 year old.
Lots of people work and have children. Giving up all forms of paid work to be a housewife is a privilege. Op has a dickhead for a husband. She cannot put herself in that position.

Show quote history

Reading through her subsequent posts, she has his 13 year old sister living with them too, I think. Yes lots of people do work with children, including myself. I was just thinking with the amount of childcare involved it probably wouldn’t be worth it financially and it sounds like she has a lot going on at the moment and it doesn’t seem like the partner/husband is much help at all

GentleJadeOP · 18/10/2025 07:59

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 18/10/2025 07:55

Do you really think she can’t work and have kids? Plus the 13 yo is not her child.

I’m guessing dh’s parents have died? How long ago was that?

Show quote history

The cost of childcare would probably outweigh any wages

NewHat · 18/10/2025 08:01

GentleJadeOP · 18/10/2025 07:59

The cost of childcare would probably outweigh any wages

Show quote history

That’s not true. I can’t believe you think that nobody who has children can work.

And again, he needs to pay half of the costs.

Also it depends what they do as jobs surely.

Work9to5 · 18/10/2025 08:01

I'm stunned at the apologists for this man. Couples should work as teams, not individuals and he should have helped. I agree that the planning of the move could have been better.

StewkeyBlue · 18/10/2025 08:17

It sounds very odd, if he isn’t usually like this?

I assume the family tragedy has been pretty traumatic for him?

Can I ask why there was such pressure on you to move everything in one day when you have your old house til the end of the month ?

You say he ‘works like crazy’, could the main move have been left til the weekend when he could have dealt with the furniture etc?

I hope you can all calm down and sort it out. You sound exhausted and It must have been very upsetting for the 13 year old to see you and the little ones leave.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 18/10/2025 08:18

GentleJadeOP · 18/10/2025 07:59

The cost of childcare would probably outweigh any wages

Show quote history

You are looking at a wage in very simplistic terms and forgetting everything else that comes with working.

Long term career progression for one. OP needs to avoid skill loss. Continuing to work builds state and workplace pension entitlement, which benefits long-term financial security. And some financial independence from the dickhead husband. Being employed gives access to rights like sick pay, maternity leave, and redundancy pay. Demonstrate to children the value of work, independence, and gender equality, including to the sister who has just had a tragedy at terrible age and could end up in a very bad place longterm without proper role modelling. Work can provide a sense of purpose, identity, and social interaction outside of family life. And for op, value in herself not to put up with shitty behaviour.

But also, government schemes (like Tax-Free Childcare or 15/30 free hours for 2–4 year olds) can offset costs significantly. Even after childcare, there may still be a net gain, especially as children grow and costs decrease as the household income increases. Op could also look for work that is different hours to what her dh works. Many employers offer flexible hours.

op‘s husband is not working as a team member. she needs to get back to work. Costs are shared (not halved). And housework and parenting is shared. At the moment he seems to think he has staff.

vickylou78 · 18/10/2025 08:31

I'm so confused by this ,.... If you have a while til tenancy ends why rush today? Why not plan the move for a day when husband isn't working? I'm really confused why all the drama

ExtraOnions · 18/10/2025 08:36

Moving house is stressful.

You have 2 weeks, tackle it piecemeal.

He doesn’t sound like he’s been very helpful, and should have done more.

TheBeaTgoeson1 · 18/10/2025 08:37

A father is never ‘babysitting’ his own children.

rainbowstardrops · 18/10/2025 08:38

He’s a twat. I’d stay with your parents for the foreseeable if I were you.

Homegrownberries · 18/10/2025 08:38

He is taking advantage of you. This behaviour is never going to change. This is it. You can either accept it or cut your losses. If you're going to cut your loses do it now because you'll blink and 10 years will have passed, you'll still being doing everything for everyone and you will be a shadow of your former self. You'll have no cv to speak of and you'll feel stuck.

Badgerandfox227 · 18/10/2025 08:47

PflumPfeffer · 18/10/2025 02:56

  1. Get a job
  2. Choose a new home for you and your kids.
  3. LTB
  4. Be happy that the only headache you’ll have going forward will be if he ever bothers to visit the kids or gets EOW in a custody arrangement. You won’t have to deal with his shit 24/7 anymore.
  5. A long time later when everything is settled… maybe find someone who cares about you, puts you first and wants you to be happy.

What are your job prospects like? Do you have a profession you can go back to?

I agree with this

JJMama · 18/10/2025 08:49

Squirrel177 · 18/10/2025 02:32

The only thing you did wrong was having children with the wrong man.

This. “Babysit” his own kids? And refused to? This tells you everything you need to know. Move on your own with the help of your parents, and leave this cretin with his sister.

Trendyname · 18/10/2025 08:53

Prinajdjd · 18/10/2025 01:36

I have 2 toddlers and my DH’s sister recently moved in with us due to tragedy in the family. He took her in but as he works like crazy, I, being a stay at home mom do the care giving, the cooking, cleaning etc. Our kids are 3 and 1. We recently moved to get a bigger house. We’ve known we were moving for a couple of weeks and instead of packing he used his free time to play video games while I did ALL the packing and labelling by myself as well as 24/7 care giving of three children. On actual moving day it was pushed back to today. As my DH had meetings and refused to reschedule even though he is self employed, we had to wake up half 6 to accommodate for his schedule, as he decided it was best to leave us in the unfurnished house with no stair gates or safety measures for my youngsters. I agreed because we both needed to be there with IDs to pick up the keys from the letting agent. I instead took the three kids and I shopping. When he got back I requested we stayed back into our old house until the new one was furnished as it was unsafe and the electric wasn’t on. He said I was being unreasonable as the trip back would take too long (30 minutes away) and he had other things to pick up. He remained in a strop all day and went out at 2 after dropping as back home. He came back at nearly 9 pm, still haven’t had picked up any furniture as he claimed he had chest pains due to the stress. I told him if that was true he would stay, help me put the kids to sleep and we could both tackle the moving tomorrow. I had also only had a few hours sleep from having to pack the remaining items when the kids were asleep with no help. I felt stir crazy as I’d been going 13 hours no break and I was at my breaking point. He instead at 9 pm said he was going to take the furniture up and he didn’t want to “babysit” kids while I just rested on my phone and if I wasn’t going to go straight to sleep I wasn’t as tired as I was claiming. As things were very heated and he was adamant I was the problem, I left with the kids (apart from his sister) and went to more sympathetic people- my parents. How can I possibly be in the wrong?

You are not unreasonable. From my own experience and observing others, some men have no respect for their wives for not working for money. I sense that from his comment that ‘you will be resting on your phone’. He is dismissing all you do to take care of 3 kids, home and a lot of other things.

I don’t have much advice but will say for him to stop behaving this way, he needs to change his mindset and deep seated attitude that women who stay at home taking care of kids, cooking, cleaning, coordinating are not just sitting with their phones. But such arrogant men have no real motivation to change that rigid mindset. It’s very disrespectful of him. I suspect he saw his mother in a job so look down on stay at home mothers.

Is the third child his sister?

Rogerthat14 · 18/10/2025 09:00

GentleJadeOP · 18/10/2025 07:40

How can she get a job when she has two small children and a 13 year old? The childcare costs would outweigh any wages

Show quote history

So no one with toddlers work?

and surely for you to conclude that you need to know the OP’s salary potential?

Rogerthat14 · 18/10/2025 09:01

Op as per your last thread, you are in an abusive marriage. This won’t get better with a house move.

RabbitsEatPancakes · 18/10/2025 09:06

He sounds like a dick but I don't really understand what's gone on with the move. Why the rush if you have time left on the tenancy. Surely the tv and computer would be packed up so how was he playing them?

Couldn't your parents have come and watch the kids to help? Or you could've fetched the keys with a car load of stuff to have ready at the house? Or just pay movers.

Not sure about the desperation for stairgates- we've coped fine without for long times.

Sunholidays · 18/10/2025 09:10

If your new tenancy is unfurnished moving will require more planning than just moving in when you get the keys. It all sounds disorganised tbh.

FreeTheOakTree · 18/10/2025 09:15

I left with the kids (apart from his sister) and went to more sympathetic people- my parents.

Can you stay there longer term? I would want to get out of this marriage, get a job and get my life back on track.

GentleJadeOP · 18/10/2025 09:16

Rogerthat14 · 18/10/2025 09:00

So no one with toddlers work?

and surely for you to conclude that you need to know the OP’s salary potential?

Show quote history

Yes I agree. I just think everyone piling in saying she needs to get a job, needs to think whether this would work financially and in the short term the support she is looking for is the way her husband had treated her and obviously the chaotic house move. None of us know her circumstances and job potential. I know from experience how difficult it is to work with young children (toddlers in this case) She already sounds at the end of her tether and comments like ‘get a job’ are not very helpful. She needs to deal with the current situation first. Just simply getting a job doesn’t solve any of the current problems

Floatingdownriver · 18/10/2025 09:18

LTB

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 18/10/2025 09:22

You yourself identified this hideous man as abusive in May. Why not use this as a springboard to finally leave him?

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 18/10/2025 09:24

GentleJadeOP · 18/10/2025 09:16

Yes I agree. I just think everyone piling in saying she needs to get a job, needs to think whether this would work financially and in the short term the support she is looking for is the way her husband had treated her and obviously the chaotic house move. None of us know her circumstances and job potential. I know from experience how difficult it is to work with young children (toddlers in this case) She already sounds at the end of her tether and comments like ‘get a job’ are not very helpful. She needs to deal with the current situation first. Just simply getting a job doesn’t solve any of the current problems

Show quote history

Staying with an abusive partner doesnt either but that also keeps her dependent on him.