DH commenting on what I eat - AIBU?

[Christmasnearlydone]

Bit of background - I am on the weight loss jabs and have lost about 4+ stone so far. I know I am eating in a calorie deficit but I am not necessarily eating all the wholesome food I should be. But that's fine because I know this, and I am slowly changing my eating habits. I play competitive sport 2+ times a week and make sure I am fuelled for these.

The other night DH started a discussion about how he thinks I eat too many sweet things and should cut down. To avoid an argument I stayed mostly silent but listened to what he had to say. I did say that I know I eat too much sweet things but am slowly trying to change that (which he knows, we've discussed it at length before that I need to change my eating habits). The issue I had is that all previous discussions have been instigated by me when I wanted to discuss it with him - his comments this time came out of nowhere.

When I didn't offer much response to him he said 'oh so we're not discussing this then?' I said something along the lines of 'ok thanks for your comments, but I don't really want to discuss it right now and haven't actually asked for your opinion'. I didn't shout or snap, I said it calmly.

WIBU in my reply? Because apparently the way I spoke to him about it was really shitty and was pretty much a 'fuck you and your opinion' and he is still trying to get over it. In my defence I thought I was shutting down the conversation without being unkind and I think he overreacted.

how long have you been "readjusting" your eating? have you asked him at any point to help you with this?

Apologise if your words and tone annoyed/hurt him, and then ask him never to comment on your eating habits. And never talk to him about it again, find someone else.

Someone in my family went through similar, kept saying "oh i need to cut down on sugar" and then just kept on eating all the sugar, all the snacks etc etc. And anyone who gently said "but you said..." was shot down in flames. Eventually when diabetes was, inevitably, diagnosed the family member started saying "you should have told me to stop..." etc. Since then we all keep our traps shut and let them get on with it.

Thanks, I appreciate the perspective.

I've never asked him for help with my eating. I know what I need to do and we have discussed it in the past when I've brought the conversation up - but it is always 'I need to eat better' not 'How can I eat better'.

I can see he was trying to be helpful but it was the fact that he said my response was a 'fuck you and your opinion' when I tried to end the conversation.

And yes, I will never be discussing it with him again!

Are paying privately because you know you will always be having to pay for these jabs and the cost is about to sky rocket.? He may feel that if you aren't adjusting your eating habits and the plan is to eventually microdose that it is going to cost far more to get to that stage and he may be worrying about the impact on your family finances.

also @Christmasnearlydone , sorry, i didn't mean to sound snippy, obvs i'm still annoyed by my family member

Congrats on your weight loss, you are doing brilliantly!

Tell him to stfu about YOUR eating habits.
They aren't up for discussion..

Please don't apologise to him! You have absolutely no reason to do so. He's behaved like a complete jackass, and he needs an attitude adjustment PDQ.

I'm paying privately out of my own income but I am on a 12 month contract so it is capped at £99 every four weeks. I will not be on this any longer than the 12 months. Again, all discussed when I decided to go down this route.

No, I get it and I would be too in that situation!

But they are up for discussion when the OP wants to discuss them.

This gives mixed messages.

Either keep your weight problems to yourself, or be prepared for him to also choose to discuss them because you do.

WLI are expensive and I'd be a bit pissed off with my husband if I thought he wasn't taking it as seriously as he should, whilst paying out for them every month.

Well your response was pretty much fuck you. Whilst he shouldn't generally comment on your eating, I can see that if you have discussed it before and you are paying out a lot of money for the jabs and still haven't changed the way you are eating he felt he could mention it. Are you paying with family money or your own?

In that case it is imperative that your eating habits are adjusted and you are settled into the new healthier eating routine sooner rather than later or the weight will simply pile back on (statistically this is the case). Hence your DH is coming from a helpful place rather than a critical place.

I get it is from your pocket but even when we make purchases from our own money it does affect household spending as it means money isn't available for other expenditure.

To me it seems daft to comment on what someone is eating when they are on WLI and losing weight. I'm not that surprised at your reaction.

But also if you've been talking about it before to him he probably didn't mean it in a hurtful or judgemental way.

Apologise for snapping at him and just explain it touched a nerve. You're trying your best and the jabs have really changed how you can eat, but you know yourself full well what is and isn't healthy.

He’s your husband. He lives with you and sees how you eat. So he knows more than we do.

You’re paying for weight loss injections because you couldn’t lose the weight on your own, but you’re continuing to eat badly. These injections give you as a chance to learn to eat properly and kick the sugar addictions, but that won’t happen if you keep eating the way you are. Your body needs time to change and adjust and your brain needs time to adjust and get away from sugar cravings. I know so many people who did the injections, lost all the weight and now that they’re off the drugs injections, it’s all going back on. Because they didn’t sort out their eating habits.

I assume he cares about you? And he is watching you set yourself up to fail. Have an actual conversation about it instead of shutting him down because you sound like you do actually need his support to do this properly.

Yes you came across as rather rude. Communication is a two way thing. ‘We can communicate about my eating but only when I say so’ is very much not two way. you sound very defensive about your weight. I think you should go back and say sorry, explain it is a bit of a touchy subject for you and thank him for trying to help. Then have a discussion about how much and what help you are prepared to accept.

If she doesn’t kick the sugar addiction now, while on the injections, then she will pile the weight back on when off the injections because she is still eating junk, and will no longer have the injections to limit how much she eats.

Thanks all, really appreciate the feedback and I can see that I probably didn't handle it as well as I thought and the note about mixed messages makes sense.

I clearly just don't like being told what to do when it is not on my terms! I also hate being in the wrong so this will be a painful apology :)

No one likes being told what to do or feeling judged. But sometimes the people we love have to step in and speak to us when they see us failing.

If he is a good husband who loves you, and doesn’t abuse or control you or anything like that, then I think he needs the benefit of the doubt here that he was doing this out of love and not to make you feel bad.

Fucking hell, it is not just her partner who feels free to comment on her eating habits, but also a total random on the internet. What is it about WLI that makes people feel entitled to have an opinion about something that is nothing to do with them?

OP, do not be afraid to say 'fuck you and your opinion' if that is necessary. His overreaction is his problem.

I think he hit a sore spot and that’s why you reacted like you did as you’re up for discussing it when you wish to.

im on the drugs, now on a maintenance dose, and it is utterly fool hardy to keep eating crap when on the drugs, and bodes terribly for when you come off. It also means you could start to cause your body issues, inc losing your hair. That’s because If you’re eating too many sweet things and losing weight ir means you’re not consuming enough of the right things, enough protein for example, all your nutrients. As you’re in a cal defecit.

so I’d say something too I’m afraid if I saw a loved one behave like this round food whilst on the drugs.

I’m in the drugs and I feel the poster is correct on her eating habits. I do strongly disagree with the shite comment on family money and it not being available for other things, she works, she pays for it, end of.

I’m not sure having an opinion on another adult’s eating is helpful. Particularly if t is wrapped in criticism. I would have asked him what he would like me to eat instead and then I would start to tell him how I would like him to eat and interject that into the conversation regularly.

There is no communication about someone's own body unless the person wishes there to be. The other person can take it or leave it.

I guess so. But she just doesn't want her fella nagging her about it which is fair enough. I guess I have quite a sugar heavy diet but as I'm skinny I probably don't care as much! Which isn't really the right attitude.

I've never asked him for help with my eating. I know what I need to do and we have discussed it in the past when I've brought the conversation up - but it is always 'I need to eat better' not 'How can I eat better'.

This is the material point of your post. You've taken the decision to manage your weight in the way you see fit. You haven't invited him to advise you or comment at all on this. I don't necessarily think its wrong of him, as your husband, to express concern (provided he has done it in a sensitive way), but he has to understand that you're not under any obligation to respond in the way he wants you to.

If you choose to venture an unsolicited opinion on someone else's life or lifestyle you have to take it on the chin if they don't want to hear that opinion.

Did he nag? Or did he try to have one conversation with her because he can see what she is doing as is concerned about the woman he actually does love?