DH commenting on what I eat - AIBU?

[Christmasnearlydone]

Bit of background - I am on the weight loss jabs and have lost about 4+ stone so far. I know I am eating in a calorie deficit but I am not necessarily eating all the wholesome food I should be. But that's fine because I know this, and I am slowly changing my eating habits. I play competitive sport 2+ times a week and make sure I am fuelled for these.

The other night DH started a discussion about how he thinks I eat too many sweet things and should cut down. To avoid an argument I stayed mostly silent but listened to what he had to say. I did say that I know I eat too much sweet things but am slowly trying to change that (which he knows, we've discussed it at length before that I need to change my eating habits). The issue I had is that all previous discussions have been instigated by me when I wanted to discuss it with him - his comments this time came out of nowhere.

When I didn't offer much response to him he said 'oh so we're not discussing this then?' I said something along the lines of 'ok thanks for your comments, but I don't really want to discuss it right now and haven't actually asked for your opinion'. I didn't shout or snap, I said it calmly.

WIBU in my reply? Because apparently the way I spoke to him about it was really shitty and was pretty much a 'fuck you and your opinion' and he is still trying to get over it. In my defence I thought I was shutting down the conversation without being unkind and I think he overreacted.

You’re paying for weight loss injections because you couldn’t lose the weight on your own, but you’re continuing to eat badly. These injections give you as a chance to learn to eat properly and kick the sugar addictions, but that won’t happen if you keep eating the way you are.

Previous poster nailed it.
Congrats on your weight loss, but it is absolutely ridiculous to be on this medication and continue to eat like shit.

You say you want to adjust your eating habits slowly, but I can guarantee you didn’t lose 4 stone overnight. If not right now, when?

She is speaking on the Internet herself about taking WLI and also admits she is not eating in a healthy manner although she does know in theory the way to eat healthily. She is seeking advice on this forum about what her husband said. I am putting forward reasons why he woukd have commented. I am merely explaining how she is wasting her own money if she doesn't do what she plans to anyway sooner rather than later and how the stats show she will regain the weight. It is meant in the spirit of helping her achieve her goal and pointing out that is probably also the place her DH is coming from but he may have added in the financial worries of funding this method of weight loss that I don't. If other people just want to froth at the mouth about my thoughts about why her DH may have commented then that's ok . If the OP doesn't want to take on board my thoughts on the place her husband's comments may be coming from that's fine too.

I appear to be in the minority but I don't think you said anything wrong. The tone might have made it sound more aggressive than intended but as you said 'I don't really want to discuss it right now and haven't actually asked for your opinion'.
I'm sure he wouldn't have appreciated it any more if you started offering feedback on his hairline or clothing choices etc unprompted.
It'd be different if you'd asked his opinion and then snapped when he gave it, but you didn't ask. It was his choice to start criticising you so I don't really understand why he's surprised that you didn't welcome that criticism!

If I were you I would probably apologise for my tone but I would also want to understand his motives for bringing this up.

It doesn’t sound as though it was kindly raised with concerns expressed for your health.

Was he trying to say he was worried about you because, as you’re making excellent progress, this doesn’t make a lot of sense. Is he concerned about the money because he believes you’ll have to be on the drug for life? Is he jealous that you’re enjoying sweet things and still losing weight this way? Perhaps he feels you should be depriving yourself because, as he’s not on the drug, he has to limit sweet things . Does he think you’re completely unaware of what you’re consuming?

It sounds as though he approached it like a ‘telling off’. You’re not a naughty child. You’re a grown woman who has decided to take control of her health and is doing it her own way. What is it about this that is annoying him?

More comments, thank you, I am reading them all and taking them all in.

Just to say, I am not eating unhealthily as such, just that I will chose the sweeter option if it is there and within my calories so eg I'd have a chocolate bar rather maybe yogurt/oats/nuts as a snack. He doesn't have a sweet tooth so would chose the latter, if at all.

Annoyingly he has lost a similar amount of weight in the same timescale as me but without the jabs. I'm really proud of him. Actually I'm really proud of the both of us for getting healthier.

This is all just nonsense.

She is not doing well. If she is still eating all that junk but losing weight then it’s because her body is being deprived of what it needs.

When on these injections, you have to eat well. Just because she is losing weight does not mean she is doing well. She is probably quite unwell and her body is deprived of what it needs as you have limited calories and limited hunger. She needs to use those on proper fuel for her body with the nutrients she needs.

I cannot believe someone has actually said that he is jealous she is doing well and can eat sweets like she wants. That isn’t doing well. That is a very unwell body.

As soon as she stops the injections, she will start gaining weight again. These injections put your pancreas as risk; it is worth it to get to a healthy weight and learn a healthy diet. But that risk is pointless if you’re not going to do it properly and just gain all the weight back.

Your response was rude. I really don’t understand this idea that your husband shouldn’t raise a topic of conversation with you.

It doesn’t sound like he was trying to belittle you. He was trying to talk to you about something important (your health). You’ve said he’s never raised this before - so it’s not like he’s harping on about it.

how would you feel if you tried having a serious conversation about something that affected your husband directly and therefore both of you (money? Health? Friendships? Career decisions?) - and his response was to refuse to engage then and furthermore decide he will never discuss such things with you again because only he is allowed to introduce those topics in your conversation?

I think you do owe your husband an apology. And you should be open to talking about your health with your husband (so long as he’s being supportive, which can include raising concerns that you aren’t being healthy).

I guess she saw it as nagging as it touched a nerve. As I say, I think she should apologise.

Haven't the costs already sky rocketed?

Are they going up again?

It sounds to me like he's coming from a positive place and trying to get you to face reality. If you're already 4+st down then presumably you have been on them for a good few months. You do really need to stop kicking the can down the road and address your eating habits while you still have the assistance of the injections (if you are stopping completely at 12 months). Otherwise it is almost inevitable that the weight will pile back on as you have not addressed the root cause. Hard as it is to hear he is right and is trying to help this year from being a waste of time!

Well done OP, you sound like you're doing really well! I don't think YABU at all. It sounds like he wanted to mansplain to you something you've already discussed and he knows you are already very aware of. I think you handled it well - you stayed quiet, let him have his say and then when he pushed you to discuss, further said you didn't want to discuss right now. It doesn't sound like a "fuck you and your opinion" at all, more of a "yes, I already know all this as previously discussed, what do you actually want me to do about it right this second?".

I think she’s with someone like shemed and now on wegovy. Op can clarify, but she says a 12 month 99 pound a month contract so shemed offered that, and switched everyone to wegovy.

Being obese also puts her pancreas at risk. And losing weight without WLI puts her pancreas at risk. It's good to be aware of the risks and side effects from WLI but it's as important not to scaremonger.
I don't think the OP has shared enough about her diet for anyone to say that it's making her unwell. We know she is still eating some sugary foods but nothing about the rest of her diet. If she's eating a protein and veg heavy meal at lunch and dinner, followed by a Freddo then she would be feeding her body well, without feeling deprived from 'fun' foods.

The OP has started a thread to speak to 'randoms on the internet', of which you are also one.

Neither you nor the OP can control other people.

If you live with someone, and love that someone (and i am going to assume this is true for OP and her DH) and they have talked about this, and have a plan (12 months injections) and OP has in the past talked more than once about reajusting her eating?

For sure he is right to support her. And sometimes within a loving relationship, that can mean tough talks. As OP has acknowledged, because the conversation wasn't on her terms she reacted badly.

@Christmasnearlydone a heartfelt apology, and acknowledgement that it was coming with love will go a long way to helping here, i think.
And an agreement that neither of you will initiate a discussion about this, but you really do need to get off the sugar. (as most of us do, so good for you on recognising that)

It’s weight loss, diet, and gallstones, which come from weight loss or gain that put the pancreas at risk so I agree it’s important people don’t scaremonger.

however I don’t think this is a case of she eats healthy and has an occasional Freddo.

Perhaps because you've willingly discussed it in the past, he assumed it was open for discussion again. That would be reasonable.

And maybe as your dh, he is genuinely concerned for your health, the risk of diabetes etc.

But if you replied calmly, then he needs to accept that. I don't think saying you don't feel like discussing it right now, is an unreasonable thing to say.

In your shoes I'd go to DH and say 'My weight is a really sensitive topic, so when you brought it up it instantly made me defensive. I'm sorry for how I reacted. I appreciate you were trying to help, but I think I'm too touchy on this subject and you're better off not saying anything.'

How far in to the twelve months are you OP? Is he worried that time is going on and you haven't got much time left to adjust your diet?
On a side note, if you can't resist a chocolate bar if it's there, don't let the chocolate bars into the house.
I can ignore chocolate but I've stopped buying crisps because I can hear them calling to me through the cupboard door.
Try going "wrong stuff" cold turkey for three weeks. That's how long it takes to change a habit.

No one likes their personal choices judged, not him and not you and not anyone at all. Far worse in your own home. (Now whenever you pick up a biscuit, is he watching and judging?)

You have nothing to apologise for. He brought up your eating habits, you said calmly and truthfully that the discussion is off limits. He needs to back off.

If you'd meant 'fuck you', you'd have said it. You meant, Nope, you don't have any say over what I eat. Because that's true. He doesn't and shouldn't try.

Your weight - whatever it is - is your shout and yours alone.

So YANBU.

I will say that, as you know, almost everyone regains weight lost using jabs within 1 to 2 years of stopping treatment. Both you and he need to be prepared for that outcome. Or have a plan to prevent it (which may work only partially). Essentially, you need reassurance that he loves you no matter your size, and he will not be judgemental if all doesn't go to plan 2 years from now.

Your weight - whatever it is - is your shout and yours alone.

This may be true for you and your DP but it isn't for the OP.

"we've discussed it at length before that I need to change my eating habits. The issue I had is that all previous discussions have been instigated by me when I wanted to discuss it with him"

Instigating lengthy discussions about her weight, is obviously going to mean he'll also instigate a discussion about it now and then.

If she wants the topic off limits, she needs to keep him out of it completely.

Just as an aside, I would recommend cutting out all UPF foods. I did about three week’s ago and my appetite has greatly reduced and I no longer crave sweet things (I had a very sweet tooth).

You were happy to talk about it when it suited you, but not when it suited him - that's unfair and gives mixed messages. Also, does he have a point? One of the issues with weightloss jabs is that they kill the appetite but don't address underlying problem. My colleague at work has lost about the same as you but her eating habits are frankly crap. Apparently yesterday, she ate a couple of bags of Haribos but nothing else. She wasn't hungry but has a sweet tooth. Of course she'll lose weight doing this, but its simply not healthy. I'm also probably going to get flamed for this, but I do think that a health is something that a husband or wife does get to voice their opinion - especially if they have children. I'm not talking about controlling behaviour or commenting on every bite of food, but discussing things that might have a detrimental impact on their health.

Maybe he's just concerned that if you don't change your eating habits then when you stop the injections the weight will go back on? Perhaps he's trying to get you to eat more healthy foods.

I think it was a bit insensitive, but maybe he thought he was helping?

On another note, i used to have sweets a lot but stopped due to weight - I found that meringues were the answer! I normally have a meringue mixed in with jelly or greek yogurt and they are really sweet. I buy the shop bought ones from Lidl. And they are made from egg whites so there's protein in them (under 1g but still!) 😂

Well done on your weight loss