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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP upset with me after I made a comment about money - AIBU

90 replies

greyleopards · 16/10/2025 21:41

DP earns a decent income but doesn’t really have any savings. To be fair, he’s had a few unexpected expenses lately, so saving has been difficult for him. I’m not too worried about how he spends his money as we don’t live together or share finances yet. He’s asked to borrow money a couple of times recently, not a huge amount, £20 or so. The last time was on Monday when he asked if he could borrow £30 until payday on Friday. I didn’t mind because he always pays me back quickly. But he annoyed me tonight.

He bought something for his house (I won’t say what) but it was the wrong item, so now he has to order a different one. It’s too late to return it. I suggested he try and sell it on Facebook Marketplace or somewhere to try and get some of his money back. His reply was “what’s the point it was only £20”. I said he could sell it for a tenner and he came back with “a tenner is nothing”. So I replied, "well, it is when you've got no money” … now he's not talking to me. Was I wrong / horrible?

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/10/2025 11:20

In the words of Jack Nicholson, he "Can't handle the truth."
You stating the facts and weren't being horrible at all.

The question of money aside, that could be an indication that you are not allowed to suggest an opposing point of view without him giving you the cold shoulder, to teach you not to do it again.

It may be early days and the first time this has happened and he's been particularly stressed that day, it's not clear from your post, but its something you should be on the look out for as if this continued into the relationship you could end up watching him do biggert things you really disagree with and end up having to tip toe gently around not really saying what you think in order to not trigger the cold shoulder reaction. This might be an early indication of how he might be used to handling arguments.

On the money question, he's now become used to asking your for regular smallish amounts. He's paying back, which is a good sign, but He doesn't seem particularly grateful or keen to avoid asking by delaying the purchase by a week (if that's when he said he could pay you back). Maybe he knows he was wrong and that's why it offended him, again that's not a great basis for solving arguments.

It really depends if he's in this position because of reasons like

  • bad management
  • poor attitude to money
  • never bothered to build up savings.
  • wants things he can't afford
  • has built up considerable debt for some reason not related to necessity.
or if its because of unavoidable one off expense or he recognises his situation and is making every attempt to get back on track

But if its the first set, then I wouldn't be happy about how relaxed he is about making you his regular go to ATM top up on an ongoing basis. You are not his Mum. He's said he thinks these small amounts are nothing but you'd need to keep a close eye on the amounts getting bigger over time, and if you think he's getting more used to and starts saying "but its only £100 or but It's only £500 for a holiday" and onwards.

Rumpledandcrumpled · 17/10/2025 11:23

I’m sorry, call me materialistic but I could not be with someone so skint they were asking for handouts on the regular , doing nothing to help themselves, other than stick their hand in my pocket. Massive ick.

Tablesandchairs23 · 17/10/2025 11:45

Don't move in with this man. He's a red flag.

Thelnebriati · 17/10/2025 11:46

There's always the risk that he's training you to agree with him that £20 isn't a lot of money so he can make you look unreasonable for insisting he pay it back. He's sulking because you wont go along with it. Is he coercive in other ways?

Zucker · 17/10/2025 11:46

I’m not too worried about how he spends his money as we don’t live together or share finances yet

Please keep it this way.

Swiftie1878 · 17/10/2025 11:47

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

SheilaFentiman · 17/10/2025 12:09

Interesting how £20 isn't much when he has to do something to sort it and get it back to you, but is totally necessary and can't wait when he can borrow it from you...

DiscoBob · 17/10/2025 12:13

What a prick. 'if it's nothing sunshine how come you're always cap in hand to me for money before payday?' I'd just forget about dating someone like that seriously.

Subwaystop · 17/10/2025 12:14

How long have you two been together that he’s not embarrassed to ask for money?

MrsDoubtfire1 · 17/10/2025 12:15

Why don't you 'not talk to him'? I am starting to do this with people now. I treat them the same way as they treat me.

Comeonbabylightmyfire · 17/10/2025 12:15

Stop lending money to someone who has no understanding of his own finances. Someone who borrows regularly but can’t be bothered to get a refund because he’s a lazy git.

Do not ever have dc, move in together or share finances!

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 17/10/2025 12:38

There's 'not having savings' - so no ability to afford, say, a new car/washing machine/kitchen/holiday - and there's having absolutely no money so he has to bum £20 off you. He doesn't just 'not have savings', he's shit with money.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 17/10/2025 12:38

It’s only £20 this time but a few twenty quids make £100 very quickly and a couple of hundred quid is a night away or a nice new coat.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 17/10/2025 12:42

“we don’t live together or share finances yet.”

Tip tip - make that “never”

Troublein · 17/10/2025 12:43

You are not financially compatible, so long term this relationship is unlikely to work.

Money is one of the biggest reasons why relationships don't work so it's really important to be on the same page as a partner if you want it to be a good relationship.

If you can't even talk about money except when he is asking you to lend him an amount most teenagers could probably come up with, it doesn't look good.

I'd be really concerned about an adult man who spent to the point he was looking to borrow £20.

babyproblems · 17/10/2025 12:57

Definitely don’t marry someone who you have to lend money to like this.. I think if I was dating someone and they needed to borrow 30 quid until payday, my insides would dry up with unrecoverable ick. Surely at this point in your relationship you are enjoying nice dates and being treated by a gent..! I’m surprised he is not embarrassed to have no savings and worse not even shame in asking you to borrow money! Of course life is not a Disney film but come on, this is a rubbish effort from him and says a lot about a) his self esteem and b) how highly he regards you. xx

InterIgnis · 17/10/2025 13:08

‘I’m not too worried about how he spends his money as we don’t live together or share finances yet.’

This is him presenting his best face then, and he’s happy to take advantage of you and sulk when you hold him accountable.

Don’t be emotionally manipulated into fucking yourself over because you feel the need to prove yourself to be ‘a good woman’ to him. Too many women buy into the notion that putting themselves last and being endlessly accommodating proves their virtue as both a person and romantic partner. It doesn’t. It just makes for an easy target.

Brefugee · 17/10/2025 13:13

have not RTFT.
Stop lending him money. And think very very hard about joining finances.

IAmThePrettiestManOnMyIsland · 17/10/2025 13:14

Ew.

Anthempart2 · 17/10/2025 13:14

Not a fan of declaring everything as a ‘red flag’ but this is. Don’t share finances or move in with him. He’s complacent and bad with money.

Ratafia · 17/10/2025 13:27

Well, if it's "only" #20 and a tenner is nothing, he won't be bothered when you start saying no to #30 subs, will he? After all, #30 is close to nothing in his book, he won't miss it.

angustifolia · 17/10/2025 13:30

My advice is to let him be upset and use that a springboard for ending the relationship. A man who's constantly borrowing money from you? No, I loathe being asked for loans, so no chance I'd accept that in a partner. You can do better.

Jamesblonde2 · 17/10/2025 13:30

Red flags OP. His money situation sounds iffy. Not a good stepping stone.

wfhwfh · 17/10/2025 13:33

He sounds lazy, feckless, irresponsible and entitled. But its good he has shown you this before you get financially involved

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 17/10/2025 13:37

Is he under 20? If not just say 'sorry, I cant' next time he asks.
I'd throw him back.