DP upset with me after I made a comment about money - AIBU

[greyleopards]

DP earns a decent income but doesn’t really have any savings. To be fair, he’s had a few unexpected expenses lately, so saving has been difficult for him. I’m not too worried about how he spends his money as we don’t live together or share finances yet. He’s asked to borrow money a couple of times recently, not a huge amount, £20 or so. The last time was on Monday when he asked if he could borrow £30 until payday on Friday. I didn’t mind because he always pays me back quickly. But he annoyed me tonight.

He bought something for his house (I won’t say what) but it was the wrong item, so now he has to order a different one. It’s too late to return it. I suggested he try and sell it on Facebook Marketplace or somewhere to try and get some of his money back. His reply was “what’s the point it was only £20”. I said he could sell it for a tenner and he came back with “a tenner is nothing”. So I replied, "well, it is when you've got no money” … now he's not talking to me. Was I wrong / horrible?

This is why he’s got no money. He buys without enough care, fails to return for a refund, and can’t be bothered to sell.

The old saying, take care of the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves is relevant here!

Most people budget for unexpected expenses. This is why we put money away in our savings. He's bad with money. He spends what he has without planning ahead. If he's borrowing from you, he could well be borrowing from others. Does he have a credit card?

I would not live with a man who cannot budget. Massive red flag.

Something is really badly wrong if he can't just put 20 quid on a credit card, it implies that his credit is so bad that nobody will lend him the price of lunch!

You'd be insane to live with this person.

How embarrasing for a grown up adult male to ask to borrow £20 off his single parent girlfriend 😂

How old is he and what do you call a decent wage.

He's very careless with money, that's why he runs out.
lending him money is enabling him. Let him go without and refuse any more loans. He'll have to learn to budget.

My husband is a bit like that. His money just seems to trickle away and he has nothing to show for it. He wastes lots of small amounts, forgets to cancel subscriptions, can't be bothered to return things. He never asked to borrow from me though and doesn't sulk and strop when I point things out. We have semi separate finances because our spending attitudes are so different. (I know the one pot brigade on mumsnet hate this approach but seriously I think we'd be divorced by now and this actually works for us.) He is a lot better than he used to be. He occasionally makes comments like how "lucky" I am to have more than him in my pension and savings but soon shuts up when I give him a withering look!

I would think twice about further commitment to this man. His sulky attitude indicates that he has no intention of changing and thinks you should just fall in line. Imagine having kids with him! You'll be rushing back to work after mat leave as there will be no money otherwise. You'll have to have secret savings to budget for school uniform and holidays ... Do you really want to live like that?

Honestly @greyleopards it may ‘only’ be £20 but his attitude sucks. To not try to recoup some money in a loss-making situation like not being able to return something is lazy and shows a lack of respect.

This with bells on. My first husband was a bit useless with money but I loved him so I made excuses for it. Stupid , stupid thing to do. We got married and got older and had children. His stupidity with money became a massive problem because we had just enough to pay for everything so any stupid behaviour meant we were short. We had bailiffs knocking at the door. He was given a Christmas bonus of £200 by work for Christmas 1994. That was a very nice treat in 1994. He bought a round of drinks for 25 people in the pub ( they'd all got the bloody bonus too so why he thought it was his job to pay I'll never know). He was stopped for speeding on the way home ( because he was hours later than he said he'd be) and he got an instant fine of £65 . So most of the bonus was gone by the time he got home . It just went on and on. I'd scrimp and save to pay the next quarterly bills and he'd take the building society book and buy a motorbike that was in pieces that he was going to rebuild and sell ( never happened). It became wearing and exhausting waiting to be hit with the next twatty thing he'd done with money that meant we couldn't do a family thing or sort something necessary out because the money had been frittered on something so crap he couldn't even remember what it was . They don't change Op. They don't get better . My maternity pay didn't go on things for our baby it was spent paying off his credit card debts because he'd run them up to an unmanageable level. He was a dick. Don't be me. Drop him before he fucks up your life

Someone who borrowed money from me and was then so blasé about wasting it would not be in my social circle for very long.

Ugh. If a tenner is nothing, why is he borrowing £20 eh?

This would seriously put me off the guy. He earns well and has no savings… you don’t say…

My parents taught me to never lend money, give it freely or don’t give it at all. Lending is a recipe for disaster.

Don't lend him money again.

My ex was like this. It was awful once we joined money as he would spend it all and I’d have that dread when I went to the cash point (20+ years ago) of not knowing if we had any money. Also so many overdraft fines because there wouldn’t be enough in for the direct debits. Plus he would borrow off his parents and then they would expect to be paid back. Honestly it was exhausting.

He must be in dire financial straits if he has no shame in borrowing money from his girlfriend. I suspect there is more to it and he has hidden debts or is gambling.

Do not live with him or marry him unless you want your finances drained.

You were definitely not being unreasonable.

Maybe stop lending him money. I know that might feel harsh but while he knows he has a safety net he's not motivated to change how he handles money.

When I met DH, I was recently divorced, working, renting in the town we lived, owned a flat elsewhere that I let out but had a mortgage on, and I was running a car. My monthly income just about covered all my basic outgoings, so I paid my bills and I wasn't overdrawn - as long as nothing unexpected happened and I didn't eat.

DH (obviously he was only DP at the point) often paid for my weekly food shop to ensure I did eat properly. I never asked to borrow money, but he knew things were very tight for me at that stage in my life, but he also knew I didn't like it, and was taking steps to sort it out.

So on the one hand I can see how a working adult can have no money.

But the red flag to me is that he is very unbothered by it.

Please think long and hard about this relationship.

RUN!!! 🚩

He is conditioning you, £20 every so often and paid back quickly but eventually he will ask to borrow much more and you will never see a penny of it back. He doesn't earn what he says he earns and he is not who he seems.

Strongly agree, and I am quoting because this post made me think of a friend's partner.

He was made redundant 2-3 times, had very little income and is awful at managing his money. For some reason, she is prepared to look past this and shoulders most/all of their financial organisation.

After the last redundancy, she encouraged him and subsidised him while he retrained and set himself up in his own business, to the tune of 12k. They were both clear that this was a loan, and that she was expecting repayment.

However, as soon as his business started making a profit, he was very hesitant to pay her back. He said, "I'll pay you back when I have 12k, I don't deal in small potatoes".

They sorted it out - God only knows how she has the patience - and he did agree to pay her in installments, however I know that I could never, ever support this level of fuck-wittery or disrespect had I supported someone.

Incidentally, if he pays for renovations to the house or advances the money for a holiday, he insists that she sign an IOU...

His reply was “what’s the point it was only £20”. I said he could sell it for a tenner and he came back with “a tenner is nothing”.

He can say that when it's HIS money, but it's YOUR tenner, YOUR £20 not his!

Run for the hills.

An employed grown man should have access to enough credit (overdraft facility, credit card) to sort himself out with £20 until payday.

He's financially incontinent. Get rid.

He's doing you a HUGE favour if he's not talking to you less to discuss and less of his crap to move out of your place no doubt.
Bye Joe, shut the door on the way out.

No you made a valid point and he showed why he doesn’t have any money

It's not even that he has no money (though that's bad enough), it's that he's broke AND doesn't care. He will waste borrowed money.
That's a huge red flag. You will never be able to rely on him for anything

Not financially stable. I wouldn’t be joining finances with him ever.

Up to you if you want to continue the relationship. Personally I probably wouldn’t as it’s too different a mindset to mine - I save a lot for emergencies and avoid borrowing money.

I weigh up all purchases before buying.

Gamer, gambler or drinker. Which one is he - all three maybe?