To feel sad about my kids growing up?

[mariaaam]

I have two kids, a girl and a boy, and for family reasons, it’s likely that they’ll be my only two. My daughter is starting school next year, and it honestly breaks my heart a little. I keep thinking about how quickly she’s growing up and how many moments are already behind us.

What really gets me is realising that there’s always a last: the last time she falls asleep in my arms, the last time I kiss a grazed knee, the last time she reaches for my hand without thinking, and you never really know when it’s the last until it’s gone. It’s such a bittersweet feeling. I’m so proud of her, but I also miss my little girl.

I love my son just as much, of course, but that sense of time slipping away hits me especially hard with my daughter. I guess because she’s older and her “lasts” will be sooner.

Has anyone else gone through this? How do you cope with that mix of nostalgia and sadness? Is it just part of motherhood, or do you think it’s something to talk through with a therapist?

Good grief. Is this for real? She’s what? four or five?

Mine are now 18 and 20 and I still get so much joy from watching their achievements. There are still "firsts" even as adults! Yes, they were cute when they were small, but it's equally as wonderful having them now.
Your two are still SO little. I really don't think you need to be feeling sad over their old age just yet!

I have always been exactly the same way. I was heartbroken when they started school. I keep getting waves of sadness now they are both teenagers. I miss the little versions of them.

The younger generations will likely still be at home when they are 30 so you have loads of time

Look on the bright side OP, maybe they’ll still be living with you at 40.

To answer your questions without sarcasm: yes I've felt this, and yes I think it's normal. I think having our children pass milestones that we remember from our own childhoods also sharpens the sense of our own mortality.

How to cope? Enjoy life. There is pleasure at every stage. Mine are mid teens now and I've one who will have left home this time next year. It's sad but I'm excited to see how her adult life goes, and I don't forget to enjoy my own life too.

I understand, OP. It is very poignant.

Sometimes I also think about all the lasts with my parents, who are both dead now. If people didn't grow up, get old, and die, people couldn't be born- the cycle of life.

As long as these feelings don't interfere with your joy in the current iteration of your children, it seems very normal to me, actually.

There are lots of firsts to come. Lots of stages.

Please do be happy they are growing up ....as the alternative to growing up is not doing so and much much sadder

Think of the ABBA song “Slipping Through My Fingers” - yes, I get how you’re feeling

The days are long, but the years are short. Mine is 19, and we have had such adventures as a family, and it's gone so fast. Only really in the last couple of years have I felt sad she's growing up, there have been many 'lasts' but I'm so grateful to have had the firsts too

There is so much fun to be had when they’re older! It’s different but it still comes with equal challenges and joys. You have so much ahead of you!
My oldest is now an adult and we have so much fun together. I also get to sleep way more which is lovely. I cried at every stage but then I enjoyed the next one.

No. I focus on the firsts. My eldest is 30 and there are still firsts.

Oh how I rejoiced when the car seats, high chair, pram, etc, went to charity. The joy of leaving the school gate forever. Leaving the tediousness of the Oxford Reading Tree was a hallelujah moment.

Amen to that. Enjoy my adult kids far more now than I ever did back then!

My boy and girl are now 18. At school Sunday night to Friday afternoon but stay over if there's an 'good party'. It happened so fast.

Like you seem to - I relished the toddler/preschool/primary age. I loved the playgroups, the trips to park, the birthday parties. Going to see Santa, the Easter Bunny and all the wonderful family days out we had. I think as said above, there is a life time of 'firsts' all lined up waiting to happen. You will melt at her first time in school uniform, first assembly, school Nativity. First sports day. Concentrate on the firsts.

It's blowing my mind that some people on this thread aren't bothered by this.

My girl is only 16 months old, and I already feel an overwhelming sadness sometimes. I'm also absolutely overjoyed to watch her develop and grow, and there is lots I'm looking forward to, but equally I'm sad I'll never hold her as a newborn again, I'm sad she's stopped breastfeeding, I'll be extra sad when she doesn't want cuddling to sleep anymore.

Each stage is bittersweet to me. I don't think you need a therapist. I think it's a joy to watch them grow, but I also think grief for each stage is a natural part of motherhood for a lot of people.

I don’t feel that at all. I get far more joy from watching my young DS learn and do new things than I do reminiscing about what has passed.

Yes to counting firsts!
I am 39 and had a first the other day (checked the tyre pressure on my car, lord knows how I got to this age without knowing how to do it 😅)
Next week it will be my first time on a sleeper train!

I was heartbroken when my daughters went to university, but I didn't have feelings of being sad as they were growing up.

I also think grief for each stage is a natural part of motherhood for a lot of people.

I don't honestly think it is particularly natural to feel something as strong as "grief" over it, no.

Also, as an antidote to sentimentality, think about how lucky you are that your child is happy and healthy and developing in such a way as to provide these ‘lasts’. Your child’s development is something to rejoice in, not something to mourn.

It never really goes away to be honest.

My beautiful blonde haired boy with the cutest little "wincy wincy spida" voice and perfect little toes no longer exists.

I now have a 6ft 30 year old gnarly toed amzing wonderful son that I'm so proud of.

I did dream about that little boy a few nights ago though, he's still there in my memories 🥰.

Does anyone else remember feeling old at about 6 because of the 80s attitude to "you're not little any more it's time to grow up!"

Anyway try not to let your 4 year old know she's getting on a bit

Thinking about this too much sometimes floors me - occasionally, I actually feel winded. BUT, I think as your children get into their teens and young adulthood what actually is shocking is how much older it makes US feel. The children’s development is normal and healthy and in the natural order of things (if we’re lucky), but our ageing is terminal. That’s what I struggle with.

Honestly, no. I never had that feeling. I enjoyed every different stage and didn't look back. They're adults now with their own lives, and I have a lovely close relationship with all three of them in different ways.

This last line made me laugh.

OP have you tried daydreaming about grandkids?

Honestly, I don’t know how any of you have time to moon about being wistful about not changing nappies anymore and so on.

It’s a joy to see them grow. I have one child who is now a young teenager. They are not little toys for you to play with. They are humans who grow. Let them. Enjoy the ride and don’t waste time looking back. Look forwards with them.

Be grateful they are healthy and happy - but remember they won’t always be. There’s nothing to grieve or that would require therapy as far as I can see from your OP. If you mooch about being sad they will know and it will leach into them.

Think of all the fun times ahead. And expect the rough times too. It’s hard being a kid in today’s world - they need you strong and not in therapy because they are not small babies anymore and you miss that stage.