To feel sad about my kids growing up?

[mariaaam]

I have two kids, a girl and a boy, and for family reasons, it’s likely that they’ll be my only two. My daughter is starting school next year, and it honestly breaks my heart a little. I keep thinking about how quickly she’s growing up and how many moments are already behind us.

What really gets me is realising that there’s always a last: the last time she falls asleep in my arms, the last time I kiss a grazed knee, the last time she reaches for my hand without thinking, and you never really know when it’s the last until it’s gone. It’s such a bittersweet feeling. I’m so proud of her, but I also miss my little girl.

I love my son just as much, of course, but that sense of time slipping away hits me especially hard with my daughter. I guess because she’s older and her “lasts” will be sooner.

Has anyone else gone through this? How do you cope with that mix of nostalgia and sadness? Is it just part of motherhood, or do you think it’s something to talk through with a therapist?

It is hard, OP, never mind what the unsentimental crowd say! I still miss the little people my kids used to be.

I have two as well - older daughter, younger son. My son started secondary school in September and it really hit me how many “last firsts” there’ll be coming up now.

I try and focus on what a privilege it is to watch them growing into such extraordinary young people. And sometimes they can surprise you, when you think they’ll never do or want a certain thing again - we were walking in the woods a couple of weeks ago, and my daughter, who’s nearly 14, reached for my hand and held it as we walked round, which I found incredibly moving.

I didn’t say so, of course, she’d have been mortified. I just quietly enjoyed the moment.

@TheatricalLife is on the money. I do understand, OP - it’s hard feeling time march on, and it goes so quickly - but one just has to focus on the firsts!

My eldest has just started at university. I miss him enormously, but I am so excited for him and what the future holds. You’ve got years to go, OP! Just enjoy the moments as they come.

I do notice that those who seem to be really struggle with kids getting older don’t work or are a bit dissatisfied with their lives in general. Think it’s so important that we have identities beyond being mothers - it’s our job to get these kids out into the world.

There might be lasts, like kissing a grazed knee (can’t see a 15 year old wanting that) but there are many many more firsts that you don’t realise because your kids are little.

I was the other way around, always looking excitingly at what they will do next.

I agree that time flies but I find every stage of their lives exciting. Even now as young adults, I get excited at what's to come for them and how our relationship keeps evolving in a different way, but a fantastic one too. I'm grateful for everything we shared together in the past.

I do feel nostalgic about my dc being little and then i remember the awful bits like chicken pox and potty training and think thank goodness I don't have to do that again.

There are so many firsts to come for you. Just wait until their first nativity play, that's amazing. Although as they get older and the performances get technically better, they also get more expensive. My son's upcoming concert is £30 a ticket and he will have his back to the audience. It was free when he was 4 and playing shepherd number 5!

Some changes are hard. My eldest is at university and going off in the car, after dropping him off was so sad for me. But he is living his best life up there which helps. I miss him so much though and am counting the days until we can go and see him.

I’m not suggesting this is the driver but I do find social media really bad for this sort of thing. It encourages a view that seems to suggest that the only happy and pure time in a mother’s life is with babies / toddlers which I don’t think is healthy. Parenthood is a hell of a long journey and the baby and toddler stage a passing part of it.

I much prefer being able to reason with a child who can talk, take themselves to the toilet, doesn’t fall to the floor sobbing because their sock wasn’t quite right! But I’ve had hostility from people on here who reckon teens (all teens, universally) are harder than toddlers.

I think a healthier approach generally is to try to get enjoyment from each stage. After all, her not falling asleep in your arms doesn’t mean the love is any less.

The second para reads like a social media post - which would be accompanied by an image of tiny hand in a parent’s hand - walking through the autumn leaves. Very picturesque.

In terms of ‘lasts’ it could be worse OP. Give your head a wobble.

Yes ! <hand up>

I'm a maudlin parent 🤪

A generally positive person, but terrible for handwringing (internally) over DCs last this and their last that.

My youngest has started secondary and the last few days of her primary school last summer were sentimental agony !!!

The last wear of the little blue check summer uniform dresses - usually if big enough i'd keep for next year and see if they fit. But no!!! They don't have them at secondary i had to give them to charity and she'll never be in one again <waaaaah>

(i have pulled myself together. DH is even worse i will say!)

Oh God, I'm not a very emotional person but I can't even listen to that song

I've never had these feelings OP (maybe I'm a robot!). Just enjoy you kids in the moment. Stop trying to look forward or back. Why worry about something you can't do anything about?

Oh yes. Very much this. Goodbye pasta pesto! Farewell PE kit! Lego, begone!

I love my young adults so much. They're brilliant fun and they hardly ever wake me up in the middle of the night because they've been sick. 😆

You can't look at it like that, it's depressing. Instead embrace the "firsts" her first day at school. His first bike. Her first sleepover. His first shave. Watching them grow and their independence flourish is an honour.

Unhealthy. You are not losing them at all. They are the same person but bigger.

I’d be feeling far more sad at the state of the world and this country your LOs are going to be growing up and living in. That’s far more concerning than the small ‘lasts’ for me.

Sorry to be blunt but children grow up - its a fact of life. Its one thing to get a bit teary on their first day of primary or when they leave primary/second, graduate etc (I did - especially with my youngest), however it sounds like you are living in the past and are sad about the most minor things (knee grazes etc), which isnt healthy for you or your children.

I have two adult children and my youngest is in upper 6th, dont get me wrong I loved watching my children grow up and it was such a privilege but after 20 odd years of parenting I am excited for the next phase of my life (i.e having more time to myself). Travelling without being confined to school holidays or child friendly destinations, a bigger disposable income, no more ferrying children, catering to dietary requirements or spending my evenings helping with homework.

No I don’t feel this. I find each new stage good even when they leave to study. I still have a young dc and her growing up is great too.

I understand you can’t help your feelings but I find it quite worrying that so many people seem to regard it as some sort of personal tragedy that children grow up…

As a PP has said, the alternative is far far worse.

Also think about the implications of this attitude on growing children. You risk alienating them for going through entirely normal and natural processes. You’re sending a signal to them that it’s preferable to remain in a state of perpetual infantilisation.

You need to support them in becoming confident younf adults, not tie them to you forever.

I think it's ok to be nostalgic about when they were little, when you're the absolute best thing in their world, but you do sound a bit extreme about it. Is everything else in your life ok? You and their dad in a good place? When my DS was little I used to worry about him getting older and leaving home but that was because I did not want it to be just DH and me.

I think growing old (for anyone) is a priviledge that sadly not everyone has. I embrace it, and I love seeing my 23 year old son blossom. OK, he's not that cute blonde curly haired gorgeous toddler, and hes taller and hairier, but I've honestly loved every age he's been. Plus I needn't worry about him flying the nest, the way things are in the world I reckon he'll still be with me when he's 30.
OP, just enjoy every second with your lovely kids, and look forward to the next stage.

Now..... if this post was about a dog getting older, I'm with you all the way! That, I do worry about.

Yes I get this, although to be fair I was doing summersaults of joy when they started school!

Then found myself very sad at the end of prinary school.
And now I am staring down the barrel of them leaving school and feeling very melancholy.
I wouldn't ever say it to them though.

I feel sad about my youngest’s first birthday coming up, because it will be the last first birthday party I ever throw. But what I have found with my DS who’s 17 now, is that watching him turn into the gorgeous, funny, talented, smart young man he is now, has been the biggest privilege of my life. And sometimes, just downtimes, he still needs his mum and it feels even sweeter because he’s so big! I get kisses and cuddles from my young DD’s all the time, but on Sunday morning DS got into bed with me! Fair enough, he just scrolled through tiktok and didn’t say much but I could have cried! There are soo many nice moments to come, just wait

You're over thinking it, watching them grow and develop is part of the fun.
Puppies, kittens and children grow. Love does too.

Personally i find the whole "heart broken they've started school" angle very odd.

Surely you are happy to see them grow & develop, make friends, see the people they will become etc etc.

Sure we all miss having loads of cuddles, but you are still the main figure in their lives and will always be there by their side.

I've been feeling a bit emotional recently about my ds.

He's doing his GCSEs this year, we're thinking about a levels and then Uni.

It hit me that n 3 years time I could be waving him off to university and 3 years ago feels like yesterday.

I also think there so many 'lasts' that you didn't realise was the 'last' at the time and that make mes feel so sad.

The title makes me uncomfortable. I know what you meant but it reads a bit like saying ‘to be sad my children are healthy and thriving’. Imagine your child not growing up or moving through the development stages. That is more sad and worrying, and the reality for many.

Anyway, I didn’t have much of that nostalgia. I embraced each exciting new stage and didn’t cry them at starting school. I don’t get that at all.

I did feel sad when they left for university because they were leaving home. I didn’t cry for days though, and thank goodness for tech that keeps us in touch. We are very close still.

I don’t think you need therapy. But do
you have a busy life otherwise? Do you work? Try and make your life not just about the children I guess.

I can completely understand. You have so many firsts to go though. My son is now an older teen and I can honestly say he is now my best friend as well as my son. It was heartbreaking to say goodbye to each stage but looking at the man he almost is nothing makes me prouder.