To tell MIL to go with other SIL

[Tightytights]

MIL asked my DH if I’ll take her shopping to buy an outfit for an upcoming special event. I suggested a shopping experience at John Lewis as I’d had one and enjoyed it. I have only two ‘free’ days this month to myself and agreed on one of those days to drive her to the store (1.5 hours drive each way).
She suggested we make a day of it and could I book lunch somewhere which I did, I booked a ‘naive’ place. She’s now invited other DIL and her adult granddaughter (who both are extremely frugal shall we say!), and wants me to find/book somewhere cheaper. Neither of them work and to be honest I do feel somewhat miffed at now having to spend the day chauffeuring them and having them moan about the cost of everything to the point MIL will no doubt end up funding their lunch anyway, and I’ll have to pay for a possibly boring lunch for myself.
AIBU to tell MIL to book a place herself? DH says she’ll get all flustered about that but I’d prefer not to go at all now but neither of them drive so they need me.

I'd still go but you don't have to go to lunch somewhere you don't want, just drop them to a cheap restaurant near where they live, so they can grab a taxi/bus back. I have 2 pubs near me that dmserve cheap dinners within walking distance, im sure she has one too? You could offer to take her bags back to hers for her too. That would be ideal for everyone!

You’ve done the right thing, if it comes back to you play flustered and overwhelmed and people pleasing while saying no (which is an art form) ‘I’d hate to book somewhere sil wasn’t happy with, I don’t mind where we eat, so really she should pick so we all have a nice day out 😊 I’d feel terrible if I chose somewhere and it’s too expensive, or if I tried to go somewhere affordable and they thought it was awful, so she should book it. Let me know, looking forward to the day! Xxx

I agree with the poster upthread who suggested cancelling the lunch and just finding somewhere to eat on the day.

I think this is conflating two events, lunch out and choosing an outfit, probably compromising on both. I would tell her that you think it will be difficult to meet the objective of the trip - finding an outfit - with so many people in tow. Suggest lunch with the other SIL another time when she can really enjoy it, then conveniently be unavailable for any dates they choose.

I’d just say that you don’t think you’ll find anywhere that pleases everyone so maybe just tea and a scone in the John Lewis of wherever you are cafe instead?

You really don't want them there for shopping. As you know they don't like it, is there some free activity they could do nearby whilst you two shop, then go for lunch together? Otherwise she'll end up with something cheap and awful.

Just cancel. They are all grown women, they can surely travel from A to B without your assistance.

You've been totally mugged off here, don't stand for it.

He's possibly at work, seems the obvious answer.

They 'don't know how to do things like that' - like what? Choose food? Who the fuck doesn't know how to choose somewhere to eat and then sit down, order food and eat it? If they really don't know how to do that then they're not ready for a restaurant and you might want to start with some lessons at home.

This is weaponized incompetence as an art form. I think they're being passive as a way of defelcting the bill onto someone else - make it all someone else's idea and act as if you're not complicit and then you can't really be expected to pay, no?

Hold firm on that boundary. You've already chosen and booked lunch. If they're not happy with what's on offer, it's up to them to organise somethig else. Cancelling the whole thing would probably make you look petty, unfortunately, but it might be politic to happen to develop the flu a few days before going (as long as you can swing it to take just MIL out as originally planned another day, in time for her to get her event outfit).

I don’t think MIL intended them to go, the day out with you world have been nice. The stylist, your style advice, lovely lunch.

Sounds like she was just telling them & they’ve hijacked it. Seen an opportunity! And now she’s had to invite them too.

SIL & daughter might ruin the experience, food-wise, and also be like “Oooh, isn’t that expensive?” etc with the outfits…

This rather jumped out at me. The SIL and her daughter “don’t do the internet”. How do they pay bills? How can adults not use the internet?

I suspect that the problem is that what the SIL wants (a nice restaurant with good food at a low cost) just doesn’t exist. Restaurants are expensive. So they are making this the OP’s problem.

Is there anywhere closer that they could go to & get themselves there?

I think with a 1,5hr drive it was always going to turn into a "make a day of it" wasn't it?

This is often the problem with inviting people to existing plans. As I see it, the plans are what they are, anyone joining comes to them exactly as they found them.

To invite someone to come to a pre-arranged shopping and lunch should mean exactly that. It's not really a big problem if SIL and her daughter get themselves to your MILs, you pick them all up on the one stop, off to JL, off to booked restaurant (providing the booking can be changed from 2 to 4), home.

But if it now involves you driving to three houses to pick up, go to JL, pop to anywhere else those two fancy, and - actually - the restaurant is too expensive, so we will all have a lunch at the Hungry Horse, before you ferry everyone back home again, well, that's just not what you agreed to!

For the sake of MIL who probably hasn't considered all this, I'd try not to cancel unless they push you further.

OP - I would say happy to have them join for the JL trip and lunch. You're more than happy to update your restaurant booking to 4, or alternatively, if SIL chooses somewhere else, you can cancel your booking. If SIL is unwilling to choose somewhere else, and won't go to the existing place, no problem. We won't bother with lunch - let's grab a coffee and cake at the JL cafe and then head home. Do not be roped into choosing a different place. You already know no where you choose will be good enough/cheap enough/the right food/ambience etc.

Be clear on the time you need to go home. Bring a book. If MIL chooses quickly at JL and they want to spend time visiting other shops - no problem. As you said, you will need to be leaving at 2pm. You can wait for them in the cafe with your book. They want to spend longer? No problem. You have to leave at 2pm - but they can take the bus. As you said, you'll be getting off now.

Even if SIL can't figure out how to use the internet surely the adult grand-daughter can? You are doing the driving, it's only fair someone else organise lunch.

I'd forget your role in the lunch. The others can book somewhere they're comfortable with, and you just go with the flow. It's one lunch. Even if it's just a sandwich in a cafe, it's not the end of the world.

"Hi MIL, I understand "name of restaurant" is a bit out of budget for SIL and DD. I'm happy to go somewhere they are more comfortable with. They can go ahead and book something for the 4 of us that suits them (if it's a place that needs a reservation). I'm not fussed either way.
Looking forward to seeing you on Xdate.
OP."

That's what I was thinking.
Go and have a treatment while MIL plays clothes horse and the others can do whatever they please

No way would I still be going with sil and her d. H can drive them if need be
I'm never bothered about fall out with people especially if I don't like them to start with. Your free time is limited OP and why should you have to spend it doing things like this and having people you don't like being foisted on you because you're a woman and expected to do things regardless. That can jog right off.

If you’re going to John Lewis why not go into one of their cafes for lunch? My gran would love that (and my mother).

A treatment, yes, with a therapist. if you can't say no to things you don't want to do. Stop being a doormat like so many peeps on here then moaning about it.

i would just say "i have so few days off, and i want to go to lunch somewhere i want on my day off." i would then suggest that we either cancel or she goes with the other SIL and you order something online.

I CBA spending time with people i don't like.

YANBU at all, this incompetence from the DIL and granddaughter would infuriate me.

I think I'd either drop the whole thing and tell DH to drive or just say you don't have time to research another place so it's your booking or nothing if they can't do it.

My DH would never volunteer my time to my MIL (she lives next door - next field). She also never encroaches on my time as I work full time and she fully appreciates it. However, I do offer to do things for her, but that comes from me. My DH would never dare say oh 'she' will do that for you. Never in a million years. And yes, I know how to say a big fat NO when it is required.

MILS crime is that she asked OP to help her choose an outfit for a special occasion. At that point, OP could have refused or chummed MIL to a local shop or helped her do some online shopping. Instead, OP arranged a big trip to a distant place for an 'experience'. MIL then suggested lunch (because 3 hours of travel plus a shopping experience necessitates eating at some point). OP booked lunch at a fancy place (I'm assuming a 'naive' place is fancy - I am possibly too provincial to understand the reference?). Maybe op arranged all this as a special treat for MIL, or maybe OP planned an OTT day that suits OP's needs/requirements rather than her MILs. (No shade - why shouldn't OP enjoy herself too.) But now the workshy inlaws are coming along - they can't drive, use the internet or spend money. They are going to sully the whole premium experience that OP has planned for herself.

It's a shame OP that your lovely day has been spoiled but you made your own bed. It would be unbelievably rude to cancel the whole thing.

Yes I’d go but on arrival suggest to others let’s have lunch then all meet up at say 4pm for journey home.

I feel a bit stupid because I’m not sure quite what lunch at a naive place is?

But if MiL is going to end up paying why not just ask her if she’s happy to do so and amend the booking to be for four people? Or send the menu to the others coming and say, this is what I’ve booked, just so you can plan ahead.