Partner past

[Whattodo37]

Hello

From early on when chatting if we wanted kids or if we were regretful not having them before (with past partner), partner told me him and his ex had a happy accident which was years before breaking up and had no baring on them breaking up. He then said after I asked questions, that it was unexpected and unplanned and although he doesn't ever wish the death of a child, hes glad he doesnt have kids with his ex as relationship wasn't right. He said losing baby pushed them away and when he first spoke about it, with me, he got upset. He said pregnany happened 2017, and he didn't know she was doing a pregnancy test. She came in bedroom with test and was crying, ie she wasn't happy. He then said she bought more tests as they weren't going to believe one test seeing as they weren't even trying.

He has always said that was it... he said she was only 5 weeks pregnant and only got to 8 week mark before miscarrying. He said only her parents knew as she started bleeding when visiting them and had to go to hospital (he wasn't with her, her parents live down south). He then said when she came back home she got a scan to confirm pregnancy loss as hospital down south said it was likely. He said he didn't go to this scan as he was working and she wanted to go alone.

He has since told me that he did go to a scan and it was a scan at the very very beginning (5/6 weeks) to confirm pregnancy. He said it was an early one as 12 week scan was too far away and he couldn't see anything on scan and no print out was given.

My question? Is he lying? He always said he went to no scan and now he has, he said he was upset thinking back because of hosw upset ex was and that he is "empathetic". Also, I think hes lying because you can't get early scan at 5/6 weeks on nhs esp not for "let's just confirm your pregnant", also, he said totally unplanned and they were always careful, what are the chances he was the 0.091% where contraception fails?

He said they never spoke of it again and they didn't ever talk about having kids or certainly trying. They were together 9 years. No engagement, no children. Would you believe him? I hate being lied to.

Basically im asking if 1) she was alot further along, 2) baby was actually planned and 3) he was upset as it was what he wanted with her... kids, everything etc.

I hate being lied to esp when he says our pregnany (im 14 weeks) is all 1st and new to him and hes never experienced this before... ie feelings, chat about maternity pay/leave, seeing 12 week scan...

I'm going to go against the grain here. He justified lying to have an easy life and avoid your reaction. He has told you who he is loud a clear. He values an easy life over truth and honesty.

Run a mile - I ignored similar red flags and my life was a nightmare. If there is no trust, there is no foundation to any relationship and the future is going to be miserable and you will be gas lit and think you are going mad because not being able to trust him on anything will certainly drive you mad and rightly so. This is who is is, a selfish liar.

I mean he told me all voluntarily years ago, no questions by me. So I wasn't being jealous etc. I didn't ask for more info until years later. My point is he lied at the very start for no reason and now its coming to ligh I wonder what else he is lying about

Probably plenty- because he knows who you are now, so until he makes his plans to leave he’ll keep his mouth shut.

Exactly this!! Why lie for an easy life early on when no jealous, no questions, he tells me voluntarily. He asked the questions do you want kids, do you regret no having any etc. I then just asked thr same questions back. He lied about them breaking up 6 months before meeting me to 4 weeks before. I knew as things just didn't add up, him saying she spent Christmas with him etc why i asked, they broke up. He only told me truth as i really dod ask his ex. He then said he changed the date on seperate minute of agreement as I said I'd leave him if he lied.

You can usually tell when someone is going to be the jealous type

Bloody hell! So you lied to him and yet you're posting about him lying?!
Your obsession with his ex’s pregnancy and whether he went to a scan is completely unhealthy. He didn’t tell you because of your reaction. You sound very difficult to live with and you’ll be pushing him further and further away at this rate.

Tbh I'd lie to you too, you sound like a fucking nightmare. Sort yourself out before you break up, and stop digging around something in his past that happened years ago and is none of your business.

You don’t sound mature enough to be having a baby, with anyone. Why are you having one with someone you don’t trust?

I can’t figure out what you’re actually asking about your partner and his ex and the lying because your posts are barely comprehensible.

Then please realise that you must end this relationship or your future self will be destroyed. You are already seeing a therapist so are vulnerable perhaps. He cannot change. Mine would lie for fun. Once we were out in city A, his mum phoned for a chat, he told her we were in City B. I asked why, he said what does it matter, I felt silly for questioning it. We saw his mum the following day she asked how City B was and did we enjoy. I ended up going along with his lie and he told a funny tale of a made up event on our day out. This became a story that was repeated over and over again for years. It never happened, we were somewhere else. He enjoyed the power and discomfort it caused - he could tell me that I was just as bad and had also lied to his mum.

By the end of the marriage of only 6 years, I was a shell of myself. I never knew what was real and what was not. Faked illnesses, jobs lost, friends lost due to him telling them I was avoiding them, bank accounts emptied, child's vaccination that he didn't actually attend....I had to go through my whole life and work out what had actually occurred and what he had made up.

You need serious help with your mental health.

What on earth does it matter?

You want your pregnancy to be all firsts. He had a life before, as did you. That pregnancy ended at 8 weeks ( as far as you know. ). You either accept that and move on or you don't and you move out. You are having a baby with a man you aren't married to and who you don't trust. That's not the most brilliant idea.

You sound like hard work op his past is his past it has nothing to do with you.
My ex was obsessed with my past it got unbearable with him.
Every day saying something wanting every detail of the my last ex it got me confused sometimes time.
Enough was enough with it i kicked him back to the curb.
Now on the out side of it looking back he was jealous that i had a past with others.
Jealousy eats away at people in different ways.

Op you sound jealous and obsessed with his past and his ex that is nothing to do with you.

I had a scan at 6 weeks on the NHS because of bleeding. It sounds like you're trying to find anything to pick apart with what he says.

So you think it's ok to lie to him?

As pp said, there are red flags here but they're not his.

Op I think it might be more useful to consider why it's so important to you that you're sharing all these firsts together? It sounds like you're feeling insecure in the relationship in general and are wanting to use these firsts as a way to bond him to you, but you're going to have a child together, a life together- there are SO many new memories to make together that its making me wonder why you are so very focused on this shared experience specifically? You've manipulated him into giving you more information and acted in an underhanded way and tbh its very hard to tell whether this relationship is healthy or not - on one hand, yes obviously you want a relationship to be built on a foundation of trust, however its also important that you create a dynamic where your partner can feel safe to be honest without fear of reaction or judgement (within reason). And you've obviously reacted very strongly to this and that's making it very difficult for any of us to say whether that's fair because he's not a good man and not trustworthy, or if actually he's just being human and trying to tip toe around you and not maybe doing that in the best way which doesn't in itself make him untrustworthy so far as that he'd let you down which is what I'm guessing is what's really worrying you here? I think it's great you're going to discuss it with your therapist and I wonder if it might be worth looking at some joint sessions with you and him together to help you understand each others needs a bit more.

He's a bloke, I'd be surprised if he could remember week numbers and other details that aren't very important.