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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner past

92 replies

Whattodo37 · 15/10/2025 09:36

Hello

From early on when chatting if we wanted kids or if we were regretful not having them before (with past partner), partner told me him and his ex had a happy accident which was years before breaking up and had no baring on them breaking up. He then said after I asked questions, that it was unexpected and unplanned and although he doesn't ever wish the death of a child, hes glad he doesnt have kids with his ex as relationship wasn't right. He said losing baby pushed them away and when he first spoke about it, with me, he got upset. He said pregnany happened 2017, and he didn't know she was doing a pregnancy test. She came in bedroom with test and was crying, ie she wasn't happy. He then said she bought more tests as they weren't going to believe one test seeing as they weren't even trying.

He has always said that was it... he said she was only 5 weeks pregnant and only got to 8 week mark before miscarrying. He said only her parents knew as she started bleeding when visiting them and had to go to hospital (he wasn't with her, her parents live down south). He then said when she came back home she got a scan to confirm pregnancy loss as hospital down south said it was likely. He said he didn't go to this scan as he was working and she wanted to go alone.

He has since told me that he did go to a scan and it was a scan at the very very beginning (5/6 weeks) to confirm pregnancy. He said it was an early one as 12 week scan was too far away and he couldn't see anything on scan and no print out was given.

My question? Is he lying? He always said he went to no scan and now he has, he said he was upset thinking back because of hosw upset ex was and that he is "empathetic". Also, I think hes lying because you can't get early scan at 5/6 weeks on nhs esp not for "let's just confirm your pregnant", also, he said totally unplanned and they were always careful, what are the chances he was the 0.091% where contraception fails?

He said they never spoke of it again and they didn't ever talk about having kids or certainly trying. They were together 9 years. No engagement, no children. Would you believe him? I hate being lied to.

Basically im asking if 1) she was alot further along, 2) baby was actually planned and 3) he was upset as it was what he wanted with her... kids, everything etc.

I hate being lied to esp when he says our pregnany (im 14 weeks) is all 1st and new to him and hes never experienced this before... ie feelings, chat about maternity pay/leave, seeing 12 week scan...

OP posts:
Eenameenadeeka · 15/10/2025 10:09

ThatSpryShaker · 15/10/2025 10:00

I think it will let her know if he had any emotional attachment to the pregnancy and in turn, the woman concerned

Show quote history

I got that, I worded it poorly but it just seems off, like she is jealous of him being present for another woman who was his partner at the time, years before they even met. If he didn't care for his partner, and the pregnancy which was his child, he's not a good person you want as a partner.

Original poster
Whattodo37 · 15/10/2025 10:10

ThatSpryShaker · 15/10/2025 10:00

I think it will let her know if he had any emotional attachment to the pregnancy and in turn, the woman concerned

Show quote history

Yes this

OP posts:
Jellybunny56 · 15/10/2025 10:13

You’re wrong in that the NHS never do this- they can and do.

But really, why does his past make any difference to you? Why are you having a baby with someone you don’t trust?!

Suednymph · 15/10/2025 10:14

Scans at that early stage are done, had one myself and then another after I lost the baby in the EPU. You are going to ruin your relationship with this obsession with his past. I bet he regrets mentioning it now to begin with.

Jellybunny56 · 15/10/2025 10:14

Whattodo37 · 15/10/2025 10:10

Yes this

Show quote history

They were together for 9 years, of course he loved her.

And the details of a miscarriage before you were together are none of your business.

ObtuseMoose · 15/10/2025 10:15

Why are you having a baby with a man you clearly don't trust and you know to be a liar? Having to question everything he says must be exhausting and won't improve once your child arrives.

rainbowstardrops · 15/10/2025 10:16

It’s his business and his past. Why are you so bothered if he went to a scan or not? If you don’t trust him then you don’t trust him and maybe should be questioning your relationship.

motherlandtrouble · 15/10/2025 10:17

Whattodo37 · 15/10/2025 10:10

Yes this

Show quote history

But if she was a long-term partner, he will have done. It was 8 years ago, OP, and now you’re having a baby together. If he didn’t have an emotional attachment to you or your baby, that wouldn’t be right, would it?

I mean this kindly, because I know how it feels to have insecurities like this, but please seek help for these feelings. They’ll end up being harmful to you, your partner and potentially your child. My mum would always bring up my dad’s ex-girlfriends and I found it both weird (even as a child) and harmful (it fed insecurities in my first relationships as a teen/young adult). Please speak to someone about this.

Edenmum2 · 15/10/2025 10:20

Surely you would want to be with someone who had been a caring partner and gone to scans of his child?

Either way, you clearly don’t trust him so definitely don’t have a baby with him

KittyRannaldini · 15/10/2025 10:20

I've been scanned at 5,6 and 7 weeks in NHS hospitals (different pregnancies).

Original poster
Whattodo37 · 15/10/2025 10:22

He said it was a shock and not in a good way. He said he didn't want kids, hence why they never had any

OP posts:
NaiceBalonz · 15/10/2025 10:22

Yes quite clearly lying to you, and has done multiple times. How far after this did they break up? I'd be concerned there was a child out there, tbh, and he's lying about the miscarriage.

As to what you do about it? Well it's too late now either way, you're pregnant.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 15/10/2025 10:22

Whattodo37 · 15/10/2025 09:41

Because you cant get early scan 5/6 weeks to confirm pregnancy. Why would they scan her with bleeding between 5/8 weeks, surely its maybe a loss and too early to tell so wait and see and then a scan again back home to confirm miscarriage? 3 scans for a pregnancy under 8 weeks the NHS simply dont do that. That's what im getting at.

You can pay for a private scan @Whattodo37

Original poster
Whattodo37 · 15/10/2025 10:23

NaiceBalonz · 15/10/2025 10:22

Yes quite clearly lying to you, and has done multiple times. How far after this did they break up? I'd be concerned there was a child out there, tbh, and he's lying about the miscarriage.

As to what you do about it? Well it's too late now either way, you're pregnant.

This was 2017 they broke up 2021

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodo37 · 15/10/2025 10:24

NaiceBalonz · 15/10/2025 10:22

Yes quite clearly lying to you, and has done multiple times. How far after this did they break up? I'd be concerned there was a child out there, tbh, and he's lying about the miscarriage.

As to what you do about it? Well it's too late now either way, you're pregnant.

Why do u think hes lying? Everyone thinks I'm mad

OP posts:
LuckyNumberFive · 15/10/2025 10:27

This is literally none of your business. Of course he had an emotional attachment to his ex, they were together nearly a decade. If you can't get past that you aren't mature enough to be in a relationship. She either miscarried or potentially had an abortion, based on the fact they didn't want children. The details aren't your business. How he felt at the time is up to him, it's horrendous to hold his feelings against him now. If he had an emotional attachment to the baby, so what?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/10/2025 10:29

You can pay for an early scan.
you can also get an internal vaginal scan at an abortion provider at 5-6 weeks to confirm pregnancy and date so they know which type of procedure to recommend (I had that)

FullBl00m · 15/10/2025 10:29

As I was reading I thought the question was going to be ‘did she have a termination and not tell him?’ Miscarriage while she was away from home and not wanting him at scans…
either way, unless you have something to drip feed to us it sounds like you’re being unreasonable.

AshKeys1 · 15/10/2025 10:30

ThatSpryShaker · 15/10/2025 09:58

Please stop interrogating this man about what would have been an emotionally fraught and confusing situation. It is abusive.

This.

blankcanvas3 · 15/10/2025 10:33

You need to be questioning yourself if you’re going into this level of forensic detail about your partners miscarriage with an ex. I had a 5 week scan so he’s not lying about this. Also it’s fine for him to be upset about a past a miscarriage.

blankcanvas3 · 15/10/2025 10:34

Oh and my first DS was totally unplanned, I was on the pill and it failed so it absolutely does happen

Moonboots123 · 15/10/2025 10:37

Yes they do. Been there, done that. As have many friends. Far more common than you think, unless you’ve actually been through it yourself.

edit: sorry that was in response to one of OPs posts regarding NHS not scanning under 8 weeks or for early suspected miscarriage

laurini · 15/10/2025 10:38

I had a scan on the NHS at the EPU, at 6 weeks, for bleeding. And another 10 days later. It thankfully wasnt a miscarriage :)

laurini · 15/10/2025 10:39

But i think you have bigger problems i.e. a real lack of trust.

Frogs88 · 15/10/2025 10:41

You’re overthinking this. No contraception is 100% even if used correctly - so very possible that it was unplanned. I’ve had scans at 5/6 weeks pregnant so it does happen. He was with her for years so obviously he cared about her. He’s allowed to of had a life before you and to be upset about a past MC even if it was unplanned.