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Original poster

Partner past

92 replies

Whattodo37 · 15/10/2025 09:36

Hello

From early on when chatting if we wanted kids or if we were regretful not having them before (with past partner), partner told me him and his ex had a happy accident which was years before breaking up and had no baring on them breaking up. He then said after I asked questions, that it was unexpected and unplanned and although he doesn't ever wish the death of a child, hes glad he doesnt have kids with his ex as relationship wasn't right. He said losing baby pushed them away and when he first spoke about it, with me, he got upset. He said pregnany happened 2017, and he didn't know she was doing a pregnancy test. She came in bedroom with test and was crying, ie she wasn't happy. He then said she bought more tests as they weren't going to believe one test seeing as they weren't even trying.

He has always said that was it... he said she was only 5 weeks pregnant and only got to 8 week mark before miscarrying. He said only her parents knew as she started bleeding when visiting them and had to go to hospital (he wasn't with her, her parents live down south). He then said when she came back home she got a scan to confirm pregnancy loss as hospital down south said it was likely. He said he didn't go to this scan as he was working and she wanted to go alone.

He has since told me that he did go to a scan and it was a scan at the very very beginning (5/6 weeks) to confirm pregnancy. He said it was an early one as 12 week scan was too far away and he couldn't see anything on scan and no print out was given.

My question? Is he lying? He always said he went to no scan and now he has, he said he was upset thinking back because of hosw upset ex was and that he is "empathetic". Also, I think hes lying because you can't get early scan at 5/6 weeks on nhs esp not for "let's just confirm your pregnant", also, he said totally unplanned and they were always careful, what are the chances he was the 0.091% where contraception fails?

He said they never spoke of it again and they didn't ever talk about having kids or certainly trying. They were together 9 years. No engagement, no children. Would you believe him? I hate being lied to.

Basically im asking if 1) she was alot further along, 2) baby was actually planned and 3) he was upset as it was what he wanted with her... kids, everything etc.

I hate being lied to esp when he says our pregnany (im 14 weeks) is all 1st and new to him and hes never experienced this before... ie feelings, chat about maternity pay/leave, seeing 12 week scan...

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodo37 · 15/10/2025 10:42

He inky told me the scan as I lied and said i spoke with his ex who "told me everything". He looked angry and said "if I've ever lied to you, its for an easy life becusse I knew you would have gone off on one". I then got upset and said i knew truth and wanted him to tell me. He the said "alright I went to a scan". Then I got upset and said i wanted our pregnanxy to all be firsts as he said it was. He said it was and the scan was a "lets check if your pregnant scan". If he was lying, would he have told me more if he thought his ex told me?

OP posts:
kiwiane · 15/10/2025 10:43

I wouldn’t want to be with you as you’re so invested in his past which he doesn’t have to share with you at all. This isn’t your problem to solve or dig up and upset him over.

blankcanvas3 · 15/10/2025 10:46

Whattodo37 · 15/10/2025 10:42

He inky told me the scan as I lied and said i spoke with his ex who "told me everything". He looked angry and said "if I've ever lied to you, its for an easy life becusse I knew you would have gone off on one". I then got upset and said i knew truth and wanted him to tell me. He the said "alright I went to a scan". Then I got upset and said i wanted our pregnanxy to all be firsts as he said it was. He said it was and the scan was a "lets check if your pregnant scan". If he was lying, would he have told me more if he thought his ex told me?

So you lied to him and told him that you had spoken to his ex to try and force his hand? You are deranged. This man needs to run. If you were so desperate for this pregnancy to contain ‘all the firsts’ for you both, of course he’s going to tell you that they’re firsts for him too. You need to take a long hard look at yourself and consider whether you should even be with a man who you’re lying to and have no trust in.

Jellybunny56 · 15/10/2025 10:46

Whattodo37 · 15/10/2025 10:42

He inky told me the scan as I lied and said i spoke with his ex who "told me everything". He looked angry and said "if I've ever lied to you, its for an easy life becusse I knew you would have gone off on one". I then got upset and said i knew truth and wanted him to tell me. He the said "alright I went to a scan". Then I got upset and said i wanted our pregnanxy to all be firsts as he said it was. He said it was and the scan was a "lets check if your pregnant scan". If he was lying, would he have told me more if he thought his ex told me?

Can you genuinely see no problem with your own behaviour here OP? It’s got NOTHING to do with you.

You’re going to be a mother, please seek therapy.

LuckyNumberFive · 15/10/2025 10:47

Whattodo37 · 15/10/2025 10:42

He inky told me the scan as I lied and said i spoke with his ex who "told me everything". He looked angry and said "if I've ever lied to you, its for an easy life becusse I knew you would have gone off on one". I then got upset and said i knew truth and wanted him to tell me. He the said "alright I went to a scan". Then I got upset and said i wanted our pregnanxy to all be firsts as he said it was. He said it was and the scan was a "lets check if your pregnant scan". If he was lying, would he have told me more if he thought his ex told me?

Jesus wept, pack it in. This is abusive. You're lying about asking his ex for details about their relationship, about things that are none of your business. You are not owed the details of someone else's miscarriage.

Original poster
Whattodo37 · 15/10/2025 10:48

I didn't ask his ex in lied abd pretended I had. He then told me the scan wheh I said I knew the truth as she told me abd wanted it to come from home. If he was lying or there was more,would he not have said at this moment?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodo37 · 15/10/2025 10:48

Im seeing my therapist this afternoon

OP posts:
HelpMeUnpickThis · 15/10/2025 10:50

Whattodo37 · 15/10/2025 10:42

He inky told me the scan as I lied and said i spoke with his ex who "told me everything". He looked angry and said "if I've ever lied to you, its for an easy life becusse I knew you would have gone off on one". I then got upset and said i knew truth and wanted him to tell me. He the said "alright I went to a scan". Then I got upset and said i wanted our pregnanxy to all be firsts as he said it was. He said it was and the scan was a "lets check if your pregnant scan". If he was lying, would he have told me more if he thought his ex told me?

@Whattodo37

You are not reading / listening to what people are telling you.

Early scans are possible - both private and NHS

You have no actual right to interrogate this man about his miscarriage experience; it is literally none of your business. You were not in a relationship with him at the time. Him and his ex are entitled to privacy around this.

You seem obsessed with everything being a “first with you”. Did you want him to be a virgin as well? You are being completely ridiculous.

You need to stop harrassing him, seek
help if you need it (therapy?) but stop going on at him.

If you think he lied / lies to you just end the relationship for lack of trust.

Your behaviour is ruining the relationship anyway 🤷🏽‍♀️

blankcanvas3 · 15/10/2025 10:51

Whattodo37 · 15/10/2025 10:48

I didn't ask his ex in lied abd pretended I had. He then told me the scan wheh I said I knew the truth as she told me abd wanted it to come from home. If he was lying or there was more,would he not have said at this moment?

The problem is that you lied!! That’s what people are trying to tell you! To lie to your partner to get details of a miscarriage is completely unforgivable. If I was him I’d be leaving you. You should be re thinking this pregnancy because clearly this relationship is never going to work

Frogs88 · 15/10/2025 10:52

Whattodo37 · 15/10/2025 10:42

He inky told me the scan as I lied and said i spoke with his ex who "told me everything". He looked angry and said "if I've ever lied to you, its for an easy life becusse I knew you would have gone off on one". I then got upset and said i knew truth and wanted him to tell me. He the said "alright I went to a scan". Then I got upset and said i wanted our pregnanxy to all be firsts as he said it was. He said it was and the scan was a "lets check if your pregnant scan". If he was lying, would he have told me more if he thought his ex told me?

What is causing your fixation on experiencing all the firsts together? Surely it’s for the shared excitement/bonding? With this behaviour you are doing the opposite of that and causing unnecessary tension and upset in your relationship. I’d be angry too if a partner told me they’d contacted an ex to drag up memories of a miscarriage for no reason.

Original poster
Whattodo37 · 15/10/2025 10:52

I know its wrong im going to tell my therapist this afternoon

I have no right I know but if there was more, he would have said, right?

OP posts:
blankcanvas3 · 15/10/2025 10:54

Whattodo37 · 15/10/2025 10:52

I know its wrong im going to tell my therapist this afternoon

I have no right I know but if there was more, he would have said, right?

Get a grip. It’s none of your business if there is more to it.

Jellybunny56 · 15/10/2025 10:54

Whattodo37 · 15/10/2025 10:52

I know its wrong im going to tell my therapist this afternoon

I have no right I know but if there was more, he would have said, right?

I doubt it. You are completely unhinged, I wouldn’t be telling you any details whatsoever to give you more ammunition to try and beat me with, if I was him.

I hope he see’s this thread and leaves, he deserves better.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 15/10/2025 10:55

Whattodo37 · 15/10/2025 10:48

I didn't ask his ex in lied abd pretended I had. He then told me the scan wheh I said I knew the truth as she told me abd wanted it to come from home. If he was lying or there was more,would he not have said at this moment?

@Whattodo37 so you lied to him about speaking to his ex. But you are hassling him about lying about / not mentioning a scan that had nothing to do with you and is none of your business?

Planesmistakenforstars · 15/10/2025 10:57

Please get help, or carry on getting help. This level of obessession and detail about another women's miscarriage 8 years ago is insane and genuinely worrying. Your poor partner being forensically interrogated multiple times about this.

Sashya · 15/10/2025 11:01

OP - are you usually this unhinged, or is it, possibly pregnancy hormones?
I feel for your bf - as being in a relationship with someone like is you is a nightmare and involves a lot of walking on eggshells.
In his place - I'd never be telling you anything, just because your insecurities are too deep to deal with anything in life.
And - you conveniently lie, which is totally OK for you, but use some high and mighty standards for others.

I hope you can work on this with your therapist - else you'll have a long and miserable life.

On a separate note - congratulations on your pregnancy. Try to enjoy it - and not miss this important time by obsessing about his past that has nothing to do with you.

His previous gf got pregnant and miscarried several years ago. End of story.
You two are having a baby. This is your story and your life. Don't waste it.

KarmenPQZ · 15/10/2025 11:02

So you start your post with ‘I hate liars’ and accuse the father of your child of lying to you and write several messages emphasise how much you hate liars. Then 3 pages in you admit you lied to him. And still you’re asking ‘if there was more, he would have said, right?’

no clearly he won’t tell you because you’re absolutely crazy. But that’s on you not him in my opinion.

Teenytwo · 15/10/2025 11:11

I would feel more comfortable giving him advice rather than you because the red flags aren’t coming from him.

He has a past, if you didn’t want someone with a past you should have found a partner that hadn’t been in a relationship.

He lied to you to prevent you kicking off, the fact he feels like that suggests you are emotionally manipulative.

You lied to him, something bigger than a white lie and that’s fine.

I had a scan at 6 weeks.

Pietchi · 15/10/2025 11:14

Having a mental health issue doesn’t mean you’re allowed to abuse the people around you.

Get a grip before he leaves.

Original poster
Whattodo37 · 15/10/2025 11:17

He told me it was all unplanned etc very early on, he volunteered the information. I yes started getting unhinged he didn't change the info once and now he has. My point is, he told me, he volunteered info and I didn't say one thing. Its only recently the scan has come to light. So its not like he lied in firdt place becauee of me

OP posts:
MyAcornWood · 15/10/2025 11:18

Planesmistakenforstars · 15/10/2025 10:57

Please get help, or carry on getting help. This level of obessession and detail about another women's miscarriage 8 years ago is insane and genuinely worrying. Your poor partner being forensically interrogated multiple times about this.

This!! It was 8 years ago, it’s no wonder he’s not exactly 100% on every single detail especially when knowing you’ll leap on everything and interrogate him to a minute degree. You’re choosing to ignore or disagree with people’s experiences in having early scans which does, imo, make you somewhat of an unreliable source as to what has and hasn’t been said by your partner.
It was, to put it gently, unwise to get pregnant in such a volatile, unhealthy relationship.

ThatSpryShaker · 15/10/2025 11:18

Whattodo37 · 15/10/2025 10:42

He inky told me the scan as I lied and said i spoke with his ex who "told me everything". He looked angry and said "if I've ever lied to you, its for an easy life becusse I knew you would have gone off on one". I then got upset and said i knew truth and wanted him to tell me. He the said "alright I went to a scan". Then I got upset and said i wanted our pregnanxy to all be firsts as he said it was. He said it was and the scan was a "lets check if your pregnant scan". If he was lying, would he have told me more if he thought his ex told me?

Okay I am goimg to say this bluntly.
.
You have an unhealthy, toxic level of jealousy so your boyfriend has to lie about normal things like being attached to a partner and having mixed emotions around an unplanned pregnancy because your issues cause you to behave in ways that are emotionally abusive.

You need professional help because these types of issues leak from romantic relationships into parenting relationships. You either treat your child with the same toxic suffocation or you model that this is what a normal relationship looks like and you teach them to also become abusive to people around them.

You are bordering on dangerous and are definitely mentally unstable. Have you ever heard of borderline personality disorder? Your behaviour reminds me of people I know with that.

trogtrogtrog · 15/10/2025 11:22

Christ, I feel sorry for your baby and your partner. What an absolute shit show this is going to turn into.

I'm not sure you should be worrying about his previous partner and their pregnancy. I think you should be thinking about whether you should continue with yours as you clearly don't trust your partner and have some serious issues that are bound to affect your child.

Ygfrhj · 15/10/2025 11:26

He's lying because he's scared of your reaction, which is a sign of an abusive relationship. Why are you badgering him about this clearly difficult and emotional experience he went through long before meeting you?

And why does it bother you that he had an emotional attachment to another woman before he met you? You have serious issues.

araiwa · 15/10/2025 11:26

Whattodo37 · 15/10/2025 09:37

I know his past is his past but I hate being lied to. He said he didn't tell me about him going to scan as I would kick off so he told white lie for easy life. What if the rest is all white lies.

He wasn't wrong

100% understandable from him