Falling out over overseas wedding

[AngstInMyPants]

DH’s Dsis got married overseas this summer. We got the invitation to the wedding, but we weren’t invited to stay in the main venue (big hired house in the middle of the countryside). We were given details of the nearest hotels, which were about 30 min drive from venue in a town. The accommodation was not somewhere we’d ever stay. Her partner took most of the rooms for their family and SIL had a few that she gave to PIL and some friends.

When we saw that we weren’t even included in the main venue, we said DH would just go, but this was met with emotional blackmail about “family” and we went as we thought the fallout wasn’t worth it.

So, we had to back and forth it to the venue for pre wedding events, the wedding and the day after. The whole thing cost us a fortune, a week off work, and we had to forfeit all other family breaks this year.

Back home and months later, I’m just done. I just feel my SIL has the biggest sense of entitlement I’ve ever seen. It’s the size of a planet. I feel like I’ve just pissed thousands up the wall and our DC and DH and I were snubbed re the accommodation. Believe me, if we had done that to SIL, my PIL would go nuclear.

I’ve not seen my SIL since, nor that bothered about PIL. I’m not inviting them over, I’m not cooking for them, I’m not lifting a finger. I literally just don’t want them in my life. DH can do what he likes but I’m just done.

AIBU?

It really is difficult. It’s not like you get a genuine choice whether to go or not, not if you’re a sibling, but yes you aren’t in the bridal party either. Add in the ‘it’s cheaper abroad’ (for who?) and it’s really annoying.

Id try not to dwell on it but I can’t blame you for feeling unenthusiastic.

Did you or your DH not ask why you won’t in the main accommodation? How many rooms were there? Honestly op, I’d be pissed off too.

You are right, I just can’t muster up the enthusiasm. There was so much we could’ve done with that money. I’ve just had enough of them. If I see them I’ll be polite, but I don’t want to waste another penny on them. It’s not like they are generous people themselves. They have long pockets and short arms.

How awful. I do think some just want bums on seats for their wedding. I don't blame you at all, they sound very selfish and inconsiderate.

He did ask as soon as we got the invite as we thought it was a mistake. There were 12 rooms.

To be honest my H sibling floated the idea of getting married abroad but there is no wedding 2 years later. Anyhow I made it clear to H that I would not be taking any time off for anyone other that him and our children. I have no interest in being told when or how I should be using it. H free to do what he needs to as it’s his sibling.
If you’re done you’re done, you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. As long as the decision is comfortable to you and your H is on board with it, do you?!

I think it’s good you have concluded having better boundaries is the way forward for you. If she ever asks tell her the truth although I’m surprised that your DP didn’t! Is he usually a pushover with family?

You can’t be that important to her if she hasn’t even put her own brother and his family in the main accommodation. I honestly wouldn’t go, not if it’s costing so much it will be your only holiday.

I think it's an extraordinary way to treat people. Some people genuinely treat guests as bit parts in their event. I'm surprised your DH didn't complain?
I don't blame you at all. Stick to your guns.

Who has fallen out: did you or your H complain to SIL?

YABU to feel ‘snubbed’ over the accommodation. Presumably SIL and her partner each allocated some rooms and SIL chose close friends over her brother, you and the DC.

YANBU to be annoyed about the cost of all of you attending and the pressure SIL and PIL put on DH for you all to go.

YABU to still resent it though. You chose to go and therefore to spend the money.

I don’t think it’s fair to hold a grudge because you’ve spent the money and now regret it. It’s not pil’s in laws fault so you shouldn’t take it out on them. I think you need to draw a line under it, and have better boundaries next time. Fwiw o wouldn’t have stumped up the money, and would have dealt with the fall
out from that.

For the sake of your own mental peace, it might help you to recognise that at some point you had a choice in this, and you chose to do it. Now you can choose not to engage with them if you want, but the person that will probably be most hurt by it is your own husband.

I think it's easy to tell the OP that she had a choice, but family pressure can be very difficult and very stressful.

I’m surprised that she has found a room for her brother. It shows how valuable this relationship for her and it’s ok but she shouldn’t have expected different attitude from him.

I think you need to remember this lesson and only do what suits you and your family in the future.

No, YANBU. Leave your DH to his family. Don’t bother yourself.

We simply have to say we can't afford things like this.
3 childrens' education and running a family is more important than an expensive wedding abroad.

I am pretty sure we are are not the only people not able to fork out money on an extravagant wedding.

What did they say?

That is a cop out if we cant go to something we say we cant go and stand by that decision, people need to say no it is only difficult if people make it difficult, people couldn't male our wedding we accept it immediately and move on with nothing against them

Yanbu to not lift a finger for them and let your dh make any arrangements but try to let the anger go. It'll eat you up.

Yanbu, BUT before you cut her off if definitely email her your VERY expensive Christmas gift requirement for your dc!

I’d say, “Hi hope you are still basking in the newly-wedded bliss, sorry to have to zoom forward to Christmas but just wanted to give you advance warning that since the kids had to miss out on the family holiday we’d otherwise have done this year so we could come to your wedding, they really deserve the perfect Christmas. They have asked for x, y and z. Here are the links, please let me know you have purchased these gifts so that I can cross them off the List! Thanks - you will be favourite aunt 😀”

Your husband wanted to go, he knew the accomdation situation but still wanted to go and made you and dc go.

If you want to be angry blame your dh.

Why do pil take the brunt of the anger?

Exactly this! If you are family, but she’s not willing to reserve a room for you, she is taking you for granted. I think for a wedding abroad anyone not in the main accommodation can turn down the invite.

Family pressure can indeed be challenging, but better than shelling out thousands to have a crap time (if that was the case) then row or have low contact with some of the family because of feeling annoyed about their behaviour and the costs.

They said all the rooms had been allocated already and there were none left.

So who got the 12 rooms?