Falling out over overseas wedding

[AngstInMyPants]

DH’s Dsis got married overseas this summer. We got the invitation to the wedding, but we weren’t invited to stay in the main venue (big hired house in the middle of the countryside). We were given details of the nearest hotels, which were about 30 min drive from venue in a town. The accommodation was not somewhere we’d ever stay. Her partner took most of the rooms for their family and SIL had a few that she gave to PIL and some friends.

When we saw that we weren’t even included in the main venue, we said DH would just go, but this was met with emotional blackmail about “family” and we went as we thought the fallout wasn’t worth it.

So, we had to back and forth it to the venue for pre wedding events, the wedding and the day after. The whole thing cost us a fortune, a week off work, and we had to forfeit all other family breaks this year.

Back home and months later, I’m just done. I just feel my SIL has the biggest sense of entitlement I’ve ever seen. It’s the size of a planet. I feel like I’ve just pissed thousands up the wall and our DC and DH and I were snubbed re the accommodation. Believe me, if we had done that to SIL, my PIL would go nuclear.

I’ve not seen my SIL since, nor that bothered about PIL. I’m not inviting them over, I’m not cooking for them, I’m not lifting a finger. I literally just don’t want them in my life. DH can do what he likes but I’m just done.

AIBU?

I don’t blame you op his own sibling didn’t care about you being in the main house. Good enough for you to spend your money attending the wedding but not good enough for a room. I would feel like you just say to your dh he cracks on with sil and you do you. Fuck them!

Well I wouldn’t have gone if they didn’t include you in the main accommodation. It doesn’t sound like you are close to SIL or PIL so just put some distance between you as you are doing. I wouldn’t bother with a birthday gift for her either if she is as selfish as she sounds. Is she generous with your DC? What about your PIL relationship with their DGC? What does your DH say? Is he annoyed with them too?

How many bridesmaids and groomsmen were there? We only had 7 rooms so brothers and sisters had to stay at a hotel down the road as after parents and wedding party, there wasn't any space. Could it have been something like that?

Having said that, we paid for hotel accommodation and transport to and from the venue.

I can’t imagine getting this exercised about anything to do with DH’s family, tbh.

Yanbu. What's done is done but they have communicated loud and clear how unimportant you are to them

I hope Christmas will be exactly how you want it. Don't be guilt tripped into spending it with them. What goes around comes around.

Where's your DH in all this? I mean, were you the one initiating cooking for them and all the rest of it or does he, and you're now saying no?

Becuase I long ago stopped doing more than the bare minimum to entertain the in laws. I still have them over occassionally as needed, but I don't initiate it or feel bad that it's only now and again - they're all nice people but I got bored of being the one putting in all the work, spending all th emoney and half the time they'd turn up late, never brought so much as a packet of crisps along etc. I feel nothing. If DH wants to entertain them, he can, at any stage. If he asks for my help, I might even offer it, but I'm not going to feel responsible or guilty for not making an effort.

His sister has a big birthday coming up. I've said I'll help out, but no one has asked. NO one is doing anything either but not my problem. And to be honest, while DH didn't care, I was very upset at how little effort they all made for DH's big birthday so I'm just figuring this is how their family work and I'm not getting involved.

Who DID go in the main accom? Of bridesmaids and elderly relatives and those with babies then that’s fair enough tbh. Why are you taking this so personally? you sound like you hate them - you married into this family and you didn’t want to be at a family event so you and your kids could bond and enjoy a party with the rest of the family?
yanbu to not want to cook for them and let your DH do the hosting, you could say that even if you liked them though it’s fine to divide the labour of hosting that way.

This is normal. I wonder if there are any scathing threads about you from your siblings partners online !

😬🤔🫣🤣

I have read this several times OP. Has something happened in-between? You say 'months later you are done....my SIL has the biggest sense of entitlement I’ve ever seen. It’s the size of a planet.' I'm obviously missing something here, what's happened? or are you saying she is entitled because she had her dream wedding? surely not.

What I read is a big family event, important to attend and be a part of. You took a week off work to go abroad for a wonderful family holiday, with a few wider family commitments as part of it. Only you didn't embrace that. That's your choice and your decision. I simply see an opportunity to visit and explore somewhere you wouldn't have thought of going in your own right.

Honestly, you are the one that is coming across as selfish here not the bride.

I see why you're upset, I would be too. If it was unavoidable for you not to have a premium room then your SIL/BIL could have done something else nice for you to acknowledge this and not make you feel like you mattered less. Weddings are always an opportunity to build bridges.

I would also say that once people show you what they think of you, accept it.

Many years ago my DH was an usher at a friends wedding, he got given a little present which was nice and as we live far away and not that many people at the wedding knew DH, the bride got up after DH got his gift and said a few words about him, about how supportive he had been to the groom for many years etc. It was lovely. It really taught me that it doesn't take much to be inclusive.

You didn’t have to go. Who cares about fallout or anyone going nuclear? I’m sorry but it’s your own fault.

Many years ago my BIL got married. DH'S brother. They had afternoon tea for everyone and then a sit down evening meal for close family. DH was the only close family member not invited. No reason that we could see. We got on fine saw them regularly etc. No explanation given.
We haven't bothered with them since. Certainly don't waste any time,money or effort on them.

Their priorities are all wrong. Family matters, show-offy weddings do not!

I wouldn't want to be friends with people like that, either.

YANBU, the wedding sounds like the final straw really. What does your DH think of the situation now and your new stance on his family?

I had an abroad wedding and paid for the accommodation for the entire wedding party (i hired a hotel), cant imagine not paying for family at the minimum! We also paid for the 3 days worth of food and drink for when people were out there with us as I figured if I'm making people go abroad, they shouldn't have to pay for anything really, maybe fights at most....I would be feeling the same as you.

Sorry I should say, when i say i paid for the entire wedding party, I meant guests too, not just family and bridedmaids / groomsmen etc.

And giving in to guilt tripping just causes resentment all round. It is far better to put your foot down in the first place because all that has happened is that the relationship has suffered and the OP is out of pocket as well.

If you get asked why no big to do about the 40th say "sorry, still tapped out from the wedding. Spent x amount after all that back and forth for a week, so no money left"