Falling out over overseas wedding

[AngstInMyPants]

DH’s Dsis got married overseas this summer. We got the invitation to the wedding, but we weren’t invited to stay in the main venue (big hired house in the middle of the countryside). We were given details of the nearest hotels, which were about 30 min drive from venue in a town. The accommodation was not somewhere we’d ever stay. Her partner took most of the rooms for their family and SIL had a few that she gave to PIL and some friends.

When we saw that we weren’t even included in the main venue, we said DH would just go, but this was met with emotional blackmail about “family” and we went as we thought the fallout wasn’t worth it.

So, we had to back and forth it to the venue for pre wedding events, the wedding and the day after. The whole thing cost us a fortune, a week off work, and we had to forfeit all other family breaks this year.

Back home and months later, I’m just done. I just feel my SIL has the biggest sense of entitlement I’ve ever seen. It’s the size of a planet. I feel like I’ve just pissed thousands up the wall and our DC and DH and I were snubbed re the accommodation. Believe me, if we had done that to SIL, my PIL would go nuclear.

I’ve not seen my SIL since, nor that bothered about PIL. I’m not inviting them over, I’m not cooking for them, I’m not lifting a finger. I literally just don’t want them in my life. DH can do what he likes but I’m just done.

AIBU?

No, they're crazy and it's incredibly self absorbed to think that someone should use their savings for your shindig. You're inviting them to a wedding, it's wildly unreasonable of them. However, the OP obviously felt a bit steam rollered and we're all wiser in hindsight.

Well, people should, but they don't. Sometimes family pressure can be really difficult. Not everyone can refuse this kind of malarkey, rightly or wrongly.

Did they explain why you didn't get a room?
Where was the wedding?

New BIL has quite a few siblings with DC, his divorced parents and new spouses, his grandparents, the best man. SIL seemed to have about 4 rooms which she gave to her friends.

I’m not going to resent the money and time. I can’t get it back. I’m just not prepared to lift a finger or spend another penny on them. It’s SIL’s 40th soon and I’m not coughing up for an expensive meal out, or an expensive present that she’ll expect. I’m just not doing it.

I’m not interested in PIL as SIL is just a mini me of MIL who enables her and encourages her massively entitled behaviour.

YANBU. Sometimes I think we get to a point with family where the old ‘blood is thicker than water’ sentiment just isn’t enough anymore. They take the piss, they have double standards and they are users. If any of our friends behaved this way we would ditch them. Well eventually you get to that point with family too.

My advice? Be busy. Make excuses. Let a decent chunk of time pass before you see them, phase them out.

If there were 12 rooms, then SIL should have had half of them, not 4. Why did BIL’s siblings get rooms and you didn’t? If ‘family’ is so important to the ILs, why didn’t you get a room?

YANBU.

And personally I'd be looking forward to the fireworks over her 40th when the penny drops that you are not arsed in the slightest about it.

That's shameful that she'd fill rooms with her mates ahead of her brother.

Like fuck would I have anything to do with them again.

I think it’s best to accept you made the wrong decision in going to the wedding. This was your choice and really you should have stood firm in declining it. Best just accept you made a mistake and let it go, you can’t change the past, pointless living with regret. However you’ve learned a valuable lesson which will help you make good future decisions.

"I’m not going to resent the money and time. I can’t get it back. I’m just not prepared to lift a finger or spend another penny on them. It’s SIL’s 40th soon and I’m not coughing up for an expensive meal out, or an expensive present that she’ll expect. I’m just not doing it."

OP -
You're absolutely right in the above.
Once you see people's true colours, that's it.
They don't deserve your efforts and expense anymore (well in retrospect they didn't before either).

Don't hold a grudge but don't give up any more energy on then.

I’m with you op

When we saw that we weren’t even included in the main venue, we said DH would just go, but this was met with emotional blackmail about “family” and we went as we thought the fallout wasn’t worth it.

I think not being included would have made the decision for me. That was literally their choice. Would you have been in any worse situation if just DH had gone? Or maybe I'd have all gone but made it more of a holiday and less going to all the various "events"... i don't know. Sorry OP, that must feel a bit crap but it's only reflective of how they see the world revolving around them.

You could just tell her that the wedding wiped out your finances, particularly with all the additional journeys back and forth so sadly you can’t attend the 40th

I think I would use the 40th as an opportunity to set a boundary, by speaking up.
Just decline the invite but send a gift. Try to be gracious rather than being a bitch.
Thinking back was it SIL or MIL who was doing the guilt tripping?
There isn’t actually any need to fall out over this- fundamentally you are mad with yourself that you could be induced/guilted to spend mad money on a holiday you couldn’t afford, in a place you wouldn’t choose with people you don’t like.

The money is spent, what good is feeling mad about it now, you won’t get the money back?

Don’t blame you. Don’t let the pressure you into giving in.

Agree with this. It seems they use the family card when they feel entitled to something, but family should work both ways. sil should have prioritised your family over her friends. Buy her a card for her 40th a box of chocolates, or just let dh do his family from now on.

What's your husband's feeling on the matter? Hopefully he will also pull back from them a bit.

this was met with emotional blackmail about “family”

Odd that isn't it....

You were family at the time of room allocation...slipped her mind did it.

Your SIL seems to only think you're family when it suits her.

I'd not be to bothered about spending any of your time with her in future.

They couldn't possibly have booked enough rooms for everyone to stay in the one house as there weren't enough rooms. Does that really matter? You didn't have to go , you could just have sent your DH and saved money that way.

I agree you’re right to let it go that you spent the money. You were pressured to do so and you let that pressure sway you so while it was cheeky of them to pressure you, it was ultimately your choice to go. It sounds like in future you will do what you’re happy to do and say no to things that don’t work for you. That makes sense to me. You can’t control what others do, but you can decide whether you participate.

I would be annoyed. I would also be annoyed with DH who didn't push back on going alone.

I wouldn't be attending SIL's 40th either. If they haven't bothered with you in months after you weren't deemed worthy of room in the venue. She has no right to be bandying the 'family' guilt around. Send a card and think nothing of it.

The wedding may have been a cost but it will be worth its weight in gold when you can extract yourself from social occassions with overbearing family members.

Surely the time to be pissed off and put your foot down was when you knew the situation. It's pointless holding a grudge now and making your dh's life a misery for ever after. You should have told them it was not affordable and you would not be staying 30 mins away. End of. Now, you just need to let it go.

That’s right, so they booked the rooms for everyone who mattered to them. If my mil said family to me here, I’d say I think they defined family when saving accomodation at the house at their wedding, they did all the family then had space for some friends.

My sister in law is hard hard work. After 30 years of wasted effort, I decided last year after she'd really hurt DH yet again that I was over and out. He can see her whenever he likes, I've no intention of wrecking their relationship but I'm not making any more effort going forwards. I only regret not doing it sooner.

There is nothing wrong with setting yourself a boundary OP. Since turning 50, I don't give a fuck who it offends.