To be upset my mum said this

hallofgory · 2025-10-14T17:47:30+00:00

I was abandoned by my mum aged two and sent to live with my dad, the only explanation I got was she was young and couldn’t cope. My dad and step mum were really nice but obviously didn’t have anything nice to say about her but I still saw her once a week. She is married now and they have 3 other children that she suddenly could cope with and I thought we had a good relationship all things considered but she revealed I wasn’t brought up to have any respect for her so she has always distanced herself, stating she has 3 other children who respect her so she’s focusing on that. They are much younger than me. How am I supposed to take this?

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 14/10/2025 18:49

I would wonder what her definition of respect is, and wonder what she thinks she has done to earn said respect. She probably means that her DC do what she tells them.

cleo333 · 14/10/2025 18:49

That’s v sad . Have you talked to your dad about it , consider therapy ?

ninjahamster · 14/10/2025 18:50

That’s unfair of her to say that to you. Aside from anything, you are not going to have the same level of respect for her as the others due to her abandoning you.
I think deep down she knows she’s done wrong and this is an avoidance mechanism.

Terrribletwos · 14/10/2025 18:53

@hallofgory you say you saw your mum once a week, how did that go?

B0D · 14/10/2025 18:53

Wow that’s quite brutal. I’m sorry you had to experience that from your mum on top of her abandonment. She has a staggering lack of insight considering she was the trigger for the lack of respect you were given. That doesn’t make your dad and step mums approach right though.

lauraloulou1 · 14/10/2025 18:54

Thats her own guilt OP. Get some therapy for her and you. She doesnt get to say stuff like that.

Tryingatleast · 14/10/2025 18:55

Ah op, it sounds like she never grew up really, you were ‘too much’ for her because she was young, the others came when she was older. I’d say that just came out but it does sound like she’s not very mature. It’s awful but I’d just shrug and nod and get on with life xxxx

Original poster

hallofgory · 14/10/2025 18:55

Terrribletwos · 14/10/2025 18:53

@hallofgory you say you saw your mum once a week, how did that go?

It went well, she took me out and we had a good relationship. I always felt loved.

OP posts:

Firedrink · 14/10/2025 18:58

Your mother sounds selfish and a piece of work.
Not someone to have much respect for.
You need to counselling counselling, but I wouldn't shed any tears over someone with so little self awareness and cop on.

She has decided to blame you for her being a waste of space, rather than take responsibility for her choices.

Terrribletwos · 14/10/2025 19:00

hallofgory · 14/10/2025 18:55

It went well, she took me out and we had a good relationship. I always felt loved.

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So your mum kept up a relationship with you and you felt loved. I am wondering why she is feeling you have no respect for her. It makes no sense for her to say this now. Does she have MH issues?

1willgetthere · 14/10/2025 19:05

She saw you every week, yet you describe her as abandoning you. Its unusual for the mum not to be the primary carer but if a dad that saw there child weekly they wouldn't be considered to have abandoned there child.

How young was she?

Do you respect her? Why do you think she doesn't think you do?

Izzywizzy85 · 14/10/2025 19:06

Fucking hell. this is awful OP, I’m really sorry you’ve been treated like this. My guess is she feels guilty for being a shit mum to you and abandoning you, and is now making up this bullshit about feeling disrespected to justify it. She is focussing on her new family as spending time with you means facing some u comfortable truths. 💐

Dozer · 14/10/2025 19:09

horrible thing for her to say. rather than acknowledge her responsibility for her failures as a parent she is blaming others, including you, to you, to whom she caused harm. Galling. Further evidence of how she let you down, and is still doing so.

Original poster

hallofgory · 14/10/2025 19:09

Terrribletwos · 14/10/2025 19:00

So your mum kept up a relationship with you and you felt loved. I am wondering why she is feeling you have no respect for her. It makes no sense for her to say this now. Does she have MH issues?

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Because I felt abandoned and she says that’s poison from my dad and step mum, her reasoning is my dad had me on Sundays for two years when I lived with her and when I went there and she had me on Sunday she was vilified.
She won’t take responsibility, just claims she wanted to coparent more but my step mum pushed her out and that she wouldn’t have done that to my dad so she blames everyone but herself.

OP posts:

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 14/10/2025 19:13

hallofgory · 14/10/2025 19:09

Because I felt abandoned and she says that’s poison from my dad and step mum, her reasoning is my dad had me on Sundays for two years when I lived with her and when I went there and she had me on Sunday she was vilified.
She won’t take responsibility, just claims she wanted to coparent more but my step mum pushed her out and that she wouldn’t have done that to my dad so she blames everyone but herself.

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Absolutely pathetic on her part.

Terrible that she cant own her bad decisions and poor behaviour.

Terrribletwos · 14/10/2025 19:16

hallofgory · 14/10/2025 19:09

Because I felt abandoned and she says that’s poison from my dad and step mum, her reasoning is my dad had me on Sundays for two years when I lived with her and when I went there and she had me on Sunday she was vilified.
She won’t take responsibility, just claims she wanted to coparent more but my step mum pushed her out and that she wouldn’t have done that to my dad so she blames everyone but herself.

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Do you think you've been made to feel abandoned by your mum or both sides?

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 14/10/2025 19:16

There may be some truth in it if they didn't get on and separated but if I were you, I would stay close to the people who put in the hard graft with the day to day stuff. Who made sure you had the clothes/food school things you needed. Who made sure your needs were taken care of growing up. Even if she put a distance there for the reason she mentioned, she would have still been making sure from a distance you were up to date with school/other needs. That is what will tell you the most on how to interpret this. If she didn't step up, it's not your fault, you were only little. She may have indeed been a bit immature/struggling herself

WhatNoRaisins · 14/10/2025 19:17

I think when some people suspect that they're in the wrong they go on the attack as a distraction. This is on her not you OP.

Original poster

hallofgory · 14/10/2025 19:18

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 14/10/2025 19:13

Absolutely pathetic on her part.

Terrible that she cant own her bad decisions and poor behaviour.

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I know, she has treated me so differently to my siblings but uses the fact she’s raising them as a reason why she is a good parent but that doesn’t excuse the fact I didn’t have that upbringing.

OP posts:

JLou08 · 14/10/2025 19:20

Abandoned is an interesting word to use when you lived with your dad and seen your mum weekly, that's a pretty normal set up for separated parents. The language and the fact you said your dad and step mum said nothing nice about her suggests that she may have dealt with disrespect from you and your dad throughout your life.

Original poster

hallofgory · 14/10/2025 19:21

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 14/10/2025 19:16

There may be some truth in it if they didn't get on and separated but if I were you, I would stay close to the people who put in the hard graft with the day to day stuff. Who made sure you had the clothes/food school things you needed. Who made sure your needs were taken care of growing up. Even if she put a distance there for the reason she mentioned, she would have still been making sure from a distance you were up to date with school/other needs. That is what will tell you the most on how to interpret this. If she didn't step up, it's not your fault, you were only little. She may have indeed been a bit immature/struggling herself

Edited

I have heard so many different versions from each side, everyone blames each other.
My dad says one thing she says another. I will never know what happened.

OP posts:

Dozer · 14/10/2025 19:24

Whatever happened between them all, your mum treated you very differently to her younger DC - not OK, and what she said to you was horrible.

thepariscrimefiles · 14/10/2025 19:28

JLou08 · 14/10/2025 19:20

Abandoned is an interesting word to use when you lived with your dad and seen your mum weekly, that's a pretty normal set up for separated parents. The language and the fact you said your dad and step mum said nothing nice about her suggests that she may have dealt with disrespect from you and your dad throughout your life.

I'm not sure why you are blaming OP for disrespecting her mum. She was a child with no agency who wasn't consulted about where she would live and how often she would see her mum. She was only two when her parents split up.

She is the victim, not the perpetrator. It is completely unfair of her mum to make such a distinction between OP and the three kids that she didn't abandon.

Dontbeme · 14/10/2025 19:33

I wonder if the younger children are asking uncomfortable questions about why you didn't live with them growing up, so your mother has gone on the attack. Is your relationship with extended maternal family good OP, is there anyone you could trust to be honest with you about your early life. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

Original poster

hallofgory · 14/10/2025 19:40

Dontbeme · 14/10/2025 19:33

I wonder if the younger children are asking uncomfortable questions about why you didn't live with them growing up, so your mother has gone on the attack. Is your relationship with extended maternal family good OP, is there anyone you could trust to be honest with you about your early life. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

Edited

I get two stories. My mums mum says she just wasn’t coping so I went to my dads but she wanted to coparent and eventually get me back and blames step mum for taking over, my nan says mum and dad were friends and worked together but step mum didn’t like that’s so she pushed my mum out and dad went along with it to please her but then dads mum says thats not true and she wasn’t there and was happy just sticking to weekends.
I spent a lot of time at my maternal nans growing up because mum moved back there for a while so I did sleepovers but again mum said that’s all she was allowed, dad says she never asked for more than that.

OP posts: