To be upset my mum said this

[hallofgory]

I was abandoned by my mum aged two and sent to live with my dad, the only explanation I got was she was young and couldn’t cope.
My dad and step mum were really nice but obviously didn’t have anything nice to say about her but I still saw her once a week.
She is married now and they have 3 other children that she suddenly could cope with and I thought we had a good relationship all things considered but she revealed I wasn’t brought up to have any respect for her so she has always distanced herself, stating she has 3 other children who respect her so she’s focusing on that. They are much younger than me.
How am I supposed to take this?

OP, slightly different as I was nearly 12 but I stayed with my dad when my parents split up in the 1980's. It was very unusual than and I have a lot of hangups from it. I felt like there must be something wrong with me as she managed to bring up my elder siblings but I wasn't quite worth it? I still have abandonment issues now and stayed in some relationships I shouldn't have when I was younger. My mum died young at 60, when I was 37 and I feel lucky that I had a number of years where I rebuilt my relationship with her and we were very close when she died. She told me her reasons, of which I was too young to know or understand and the time. It must be hard that your mum gets a re-do and what she said to you is so harsh, perhaps unforgiveable. I hope you find peace.

Ya, it is a confusing thing to hear. I don't blame you for feeling this way. Id be the same. I wouldn't be getting involved with them not getting on or blaming each other if I were you. It's their stuff really and nothing to do with you. It may come as a bit of a relief too to realise that! I would focus on the good bits. If they are separated, chances are that they do have different points of view of how things were and that may need to just be accepted unfortunately. I'm sorry this happened. Do get support/be kind to yourself if needed, it's a well deserved reward from it! 🩷

She’s deflecting.

It’s easier for her to put blame on you about the state of your relationship rather than hold her hands up and admit fault.

How old was your mum and how old was your Dad when they had you?

It did sound like you lived with you mum for a while (two years) and only saw your Dad once a week, then lived with her again at your Nan’s.

Im wondering if your mum was quite young, hence living with her mum and her finding parenting difficult with you, but easier once she was more mature and had your siblings?

No I didn’t live with my nan, I had sleepovers on a Friday night when my mum lived there for a while.
She had me 10 days after she turned 17 and dad was 22 We all lived together with my dad for a year and then she had me on her own for a year before she gave me to my dad.

So she was 16 when she got pregnant, your dad was an adult at 21/22. So really she was a victim here too. Your dad then left her to raise a 1 year old by herself when she was only 18 and already had another partner within a year. Perhaps if your dad had made more of an effort at this point it could have turned out differently for your mum and you. I really don't think your dad is covered in glory here.

Not to say your mum hasn't messed up as you were growing up. She should have made more of an effort to at least get 50/50 custody. But a 21 year old having sex with a 16 year old is grim.

Just see less of her.

My DM disappeared when I was 8 and reappeared when I was 15 and if I bring it up she reacts in a similar way to yours. I think it's partially guilt and partially immaturity. She couldn't stick around and raise us because she was immature and a bit selfish, and she always will be. They can't admit that out loud, it sounds awful. Only very evolved, emotionally intelligent people could admit such fault and allow everyone to heal and grow from it.
So they need to create a narrative that is somewhat acceptable for what they did.
To smooth it over and make it all ok.
It is hurtful, but it's just them. Not you.

The ops mum was around though, every week, she wasn't abandoned even though she may feel that way and I understand why she would feel that but it's not really.

Also have to say your father sounds like a predator, he really messed up a 16yr olds life, not surprised she struggled.

You could respond by saying you don't have much respect for her for abandoning you. And she didn't respect you enough to be a mother to you.

But I probably wouldn't go down that road as it wouldn't be great for your relationship.

I'm not blaming OP. If I was looking for who was to blame I'd say it was probably her father or step mother as I suspect it was one of them who influenced her feelings around her mum and told her that she was abandoned. OP was not abandoned, she was co-parented.

Well I don't think you should take it as any reflection on you - it's about her and her issues. Maybe she could cope with a partner but not without one. Parents split and kids stay with their mothers all the time, and this isn't usually described as the father "abandoning" the child. Maybe there was an element of sexism in how your father spoke about her?

I think you remind her of what she sees, rightly or wrongly, as her failures. I know it's not easy, but try not to "take it" like anything. It's not you.

Really sorry your mum behaved the way she did, and then spoke to you like that. It does sound like she’s trying to blame others so she doesn’t have to take responsibility for her own actions. Easier said than done but please don’t blame yourself- you were just a baby when she left and deserved so much better from your mum.

What's the likelihood of you all getting together to talk about things, with a counsellor, perhaps? Maybe the truth will be told then. You're going between one version to another and it must be driving you crazy.

Obviously what my DM did was worse but I think the feeling is the same. Especially since she obviously put in a lot more time with the siblings so that put more of a spotlight on the lesser relationship with the OP.
I also think there is a bit of societal misogyny there because if it was the dad seeing the child once a week that is perfectly ok, but there it a bit of side eye if a DM does the same. Causing her (and my) DM to scramble to make excuses for the situation, that inadvertently hurt the OP.

My dad isn’t to blame at all. He just found someone to raise me when my own mother failed.
He didn’t meet my step mum for nearly 2 years after they split and she’s 2 years younger than my mum so was the same age when she stepped up as my mum was when she stepped down.
I don’t harbour any ill feeling towards her and I’ve left the past in the past and have a good relationship with her and my step dad and siblings but I feel as though she’s lucky I’m still around and yet she’s saying I wasn’t brought up to respect her and she thinks she’s a good parent because she’s got 3 others who respect her.

Very difficult. I do think the ages kind of stink a bit. She was 16 when she got pregnant and barely turned 17 when she had a newborn. The man getting her pregnant was very significantly older. A grown adult 21/22 shagging a teen schoolgirl. Very significant imbalance of power.

it’s clear why she can cope with her 3 subsequent children. Because she didn’t have them as a teen and presumably their father has functioned as a team with her in bringing them up.

I think that her assertion that she is a good parent because she brings up the other 3 is actually valid. She didn’t cast you off because she didn’t want you, she simply couldn’t cope. She’s probably distanced herself to keep sane and shield herself from the wound of losing you and believing (rightly or wrongly) that she was pushed away by your stepmother/father.

I think on balance that I would give her the benefit of the doubt.

Your dad was a grown man fucking a 16 year old schoolgirl. He impregnated her and then after a year of playing happy families he left you both. He then, as a guy in his mid-20s, started dating an 18/19 year old and got her acting as your mum. I get that he raised you and you love him but the more you say, the more I think your mum might have a point about her being pushed out of your life.

Just to clarify my mum may have been 16 but was an August birthday and met my dad at work. She wasn’t a school girl as it sounds, she had left school that spring and was working where my dad works, when they met.

I agree with PPs that I don’t think your dad sounds great in this. A grown man getting a 16 year old pregnant, leaving her to bring up the baby on her own for a year. And then when he does step up, he only does so after he’s found another even younger woman to help him.

On top of that he then bad mouths the mother, even though she sees the OP once a week (which if it was the other way round and the dad seeing her once a week would be considered normal and not abandonment) so she’s grown up feeling like her mother abandoned her. That language likely came from the dad. It’s reeks of parental alienation.

Do you have children of your own yet? Perhaps a girl who will be 16 one day? I think there’s much more to this than you understand so far, and I think it’ll be a while before you will be able to wrap your head around things. To me, it seems that no adult abandoned you: you had a loving and stable upbringing. I would take that as a win and forgive pretty much the rest of it; none of it would have been easy. Your mum and dad have both grown into the adults they are now since they had you and you can’t judge their 16 and 22yo selves by the people they are now. This is why teenagers shouldn’t be having children, ideally!

Watch her change her mind when there is something down the line she thinks she needs from you

Id seek therapy op for your own mental health. I think theres lots to unpick and perhaps a point of acceptance by you needs to be reached

No one is covering themselves on glory on parent front. No decent parent or step parent would badmouth the other biological parent.

You say you think you have a good relationship given history but saying things like 'she could suddenly cope' is inflammatory and perhaps perceived by your mum as disrespectful. Even if its how you feel.

You say she wont take responsibility but im confused what you want her to take responsibility for as she seems to feel she has given you an explanation that your dad wouldnt allow it.

I think your in a no win situation. You have been given so many versions. As I said id be looking at therapy to reaxh a point of acceptance for yojr own wellbeing.

I think it is an interesting point that when she had once weekly visitation it was seen as abandonment, but not when dad had once weekly visitation. Why is that and does this contribute to bad feeling in the family?

You're trying to justify it but really it doesn't matter if your mum was in school or working, a 21/22 yr old had no business sleeping with her.
I can understand as a teenager not being able to cope with the idea of being abandoned and your feelings are valid but I think you do need to give your mum some slack. You don't have to completely forgive her but you do need to accept things are how they are and she may not be capable of approaching it any differently. You need to decide if that's the case, are you willing to accept that to keep a relationship and what level of contact you want to maintain.