Starting to really bug me..

[gratefulmumm]

Rant warning!! sorry in advance it's pretty pathetic...

My partner has a tendency to make jokes which have started to really bug me... he does criticise the way I do things often and I've asked him to stop in therapy and he has been a bit better but he also tends to make
jokey comments when I'm busy doing things around the house..

If I have some spare time without the kids I'll tend to try to throw things out or declutter.. he tells me to stop and that I need to relax and just sit down.. that I never stop.. I say I have jobs to do at home because I want to keep the house nice for the boys - he said 'there's nothing for you to do.. (the cleaner has just been) .. I tell him the things I need to do like declutter..

I open the kitchen drawer and he sais 'what are you doing now?' I say I'm cleaning it out - I've been meaning to do it for ages it's full of rubbish - 'I say 'if you have a drawer like this wouldn't you want to clean it out?'

He then says 'my house would never be like this' (can I just say my house is very tidy but we have two kids so sometimes there might be a messy drawer or cupboard!)

it just bugs me because I can't just get in with the things I would do usually and it just makes me feel a bit judged by him .... AIBU??

Personally I would tell him to buggar off and get his own place.

Do you spend much time relaxing together? Or are you always ‘busy’ when he’s home?

YABU for giving it headspace. Sounds like the perfect time to practice ignoring him, or come up with a stock response to shut it down each time, like "Thanks for your opinion" while continuing to do whatever it is you wanted to.

He would prefer to do life differently to you. Neither of you is wrong to have your own opinions. But no need to let it get to you.

Although.... When you have kid free time all you want to do is declutter? How about hobbies or relaxation or something that brings you joy? I mean, great if it works for you, but it doesn't sound terribly fun

Is it because he wants to spend some time with you, chatting or watching TV together or something, and you're always too busy doing stuff?

Are you like this all of the time? You would bug the shit out of me and I'd probably tell you the same thing. A tidy house is one thing but constantly reorganising and decluttering would piss me off. Do you make time for yourself and for the family or spend time together or are you always busy at something?

Just started saying that I shouldn't I bother making home made meals for the boys.. I said 'I like to make homemade meals for them it shows my love.. he said 'no one feels that love but you.' I tried to ignore it as to not start an argument but he kept probing.. I said it's insulting.. he disagreed and questioned it and then called me hypersensitive...

Reading your second post, he doesn't sound very nice OP. How long have you been together?

No not at all.. I spend lots of time playing with the boys and having family time.. When I have kid free time I like reading, watching movies and excercise .. but I had a window so just thought I would take the opportunity to do some decluttering that needed doing for a while..

From your OP I took it that, when you have time without your children you're looking for jobs to do when he just wants to sit and chill out with you for a bit and enjoy your company?! You say you are still tidying and "decluttering" when the cleaner has already been.... Why? I can see how that could annoy someone tbh....

Don't get me wrong, I'm a neat freak but I dedicate half a day to cleaning (usually Friday afternoon or Saturday morning) so I can spend the rest of my free time doing enjoyable stuff.

Do you enjoy spending time with your partner @gratefulmumm ?

It just sounds like you have the ‘ick’ on him. There’s no coming back from that in my experience.

That is not what you said in the OP though

Nobody likes to be criticised.

However, based on what you’ve said, it sounds more like concern on his part, rather than criticism. He’s suggesting that you relax and spend time together. That’s not what I would call being criticised, as such.

The thing that sticks out for me is that you tend to use your child free time to declutter rather than just spend time chilling with your husband. And you are constantly tidying and being busy to ‘keep the house nice for the boys’ even though you have a cleaner who had just been. That sounds excessive to me.

Obviously I don’t know you, but even just from your own account of things, it sounds to me as if you might be quite obsessive, so I’d really like to hear your partner’s side of this.

I would struggle to live with someone who, the first sign of some rare free time together, started to bustle around clearing out drawers or cleaning things that had already been done by the cleaner. I’d find it very stressful.

That’s very different to what you said in your OP.

Also, ‘family time’ isn’t the same as child-free time with your partner.

I disagree. I think the OP sounds like everything has to be perfect all the time (clean house, homemade meals) to show her children how much she loves them (her words). Her DP is simply pointing out that a decluttered drawer or a homemade tea isn't necessary to show kids you love them! And maybe wants to spend some time with her himself rather than her constantly finding things to do to keep herself busy and avoid his company.

This 💯 %

A homemade tea may not be necessary, but it's a good thing to do. It's not his business to come in to her house and tell her she shouldn't be doing it.

Um, it's his house too.

Why don't you both do a big declutter together , then you won't have to do it in dribs and drabs .
It would get on my nerves tbh , someone constantly doing little jobs that can really wait.

If your house is tidy and you have a cleaner, but you have an urgent need to de-clutter a kitchen drawer I can understand why your DH is a little concerned. It does sound a bit obsessive and that's from the way you phrase it. I'm with him, try to relax a bit.

Is it?

This paragraph made me wonder too. It’s written oddly if they live together.

He then says 'my house would never be like this' (can I just say my house is very tidy but we have two kids so sometimes there might be a messy drawer or cupboard!)

Aren't all meals homemade unless you only eat takeaways, etc, exactly what meals was he complaining about? And I assume the meals are for you and him as well not just the boys?

'I say 'if you have a drawer like this wouldn't you want to clean it out?'
He then says 'my house would never be like this'

It reads like you and your DH don’t live together is that right?

I don’t know if this is you but I have a mother that never sits down and never relaxes. She stresses us all out to this day with her need for order. Constantly tidying, dusting, arranging. I don’t remember ever sitting down with her as a teen to enjoy a cup of tea. I understand now that she has some form of OCD or perhaps ADHD so I have lots of sympathy for her. It is also true that it made day to day living really stressful as she would never stop. We just couldn’t relax around her and constant movements.

If I were you I would just be aware if this is how you present to your family. Either way your DH is not being helpful with the snarky comments and I would definitely look to address this with him.

So you don't live together? I would be asking myself why, when my partner came around to spend time with me, I decided it would be a good time to declutter a drawer...

Thankyou for your feedback everyone.. it's really interesting to hear the other side.. I think these jobs have waited for months so I had some time so thought I would crack on (DH also works from home so just thought he was working and not wanting to spend time),

I have diagnosed OCD but also grew up in a house where everything was tidy and organised always so I guess that's what I think I need to provide for the boys to keep the home cosy.. my DH has also criticised a lot in the past about things not being clean enough or me cleaning in the wrong way so there is an element to that too..