Starting to really bug me..

[gratefulmumm]

Rant warning!! sorry in advance it's pretty pathetic...

My partner has a tendency to make jokes which have started to really bug me... he does criticise the way I do things often and I've asked him to stop in therapy and he has been a bit better but he also tends to make
jokey comments when I'm busy doing things around the house..

If I have some spare time without the kids I'll tend to try to throw things out or declutter.. he tells me to stop and that I need to relax and just sit down.. that I never stop.. I say I have jobs to do at home because I want to keep the house nice for the boys - he said 'there's nothing for you to do.. (the cleaner has just been) .. I tell him the things I need to do like declutter..

I open the kitchen drawer and he sais 'what are you doing now?' I say I'm cleaning it out - I've been meaning to do it for ages it's full of rubbish - 'I say 'if you have a drawer like this wouldn't you want to clean it out?'

He then says 'my house would never be like this' (can I just say my house is very tidy but we have two kids so sometimes there might be a messy drawer or cupboard!)

it just bugs me because I can't just get in with the things I would do usually and it just makes me feel a bit judged by him .... AIBU??

@Arlanymor we do live together.. he works from home and came down to get a drink while the baby was sleeping..

It honestly sounds more like he's worried about you and thinks you do too much and never switch off.

If he came down to get a drink and you were faffing about decluttering drawers and he told you to "just relax and sit down" then that's someone who actually cares about you and wants you to make the most of having some downtime rather than being constantly on the go.

I have diagnosed OCD but also grew up in a house where everything was tidy and organised always so I guess that's what I think I need to provide for the boys to keep the home cosy

Well that's a bit of a drip feed. Are you having therapy. Children do not need a pristine house, fun and spending time as a family are far more important.

It's up to you how you spend your time but I'd be concerned for a partner who always feels the need to be cleaning or decluttering a generally clean and tidy house.

It sounds like your priorities are different to Dh. There’s absolutely nothing wrong in cooking home cooked means, or tidying up, and it sounds like you put your free time to productive use.

My dh sees things differently to be. He’ll find things cluttered, which don’t irritate me at all (reverse of your situation). It does sound like your husband can be condescending as well.

@TubestrikeI am having therapy..

Yes I do spend a lot of time on the floor with the boys playing with them and definitely not constantly cleaning or tidying.. I just like to try and stay on top of things?

I think the sensitivity with my partner is because there has been a lot of criticism.. ' things arnt clean enough, I take out too many toys.. I haven't sorted the wardrobes properly. I'm 'manic' or 'unwell' (which has been said in arguments often).. I get sometimes you have to take criticism and he would do things differently but it's a lot and just makes me feel like everything I'm doing is wrong or is being judged..

You sound obsessive, like my mum. It's complete exhausting. I feel really sorry for your husband tbh.

This jumped out at me. I’d be a bit fed up if we were child free for a change and my partner insisted on ‘declutterring’ or doing some non essential job rather than spending a bit of quality time with me.

This may however go back to my mother who always thought cooking and cleaning were much more important than spending quality time with her children or showing us any love or affection so maybe I’m a bit biased. I would much rather have had a frozen pizza and some quality time than a meal cooked from scratch that she’d slaved hours over (and clearly resented) making us feel we needed to be ‘grateful’ for it.

My mum too. Lots of sighing and tutting and complaining that 'nobody ever helps' or 'everyone is so messy' and martyring herself to the cause of housework that really didn't need doing right then or as continually as she did it. In my mum's case it was an anxiety related desire to have control over absolutely everything. But the bloody sighing and making out that she was the only person who could possibly do any of these things.

Does any of this sound familiar, OP?

No, you are not being unreasonable

It's completely understandable to want to keep your home tidy and organized, especially with kids. If decluttering or cleaning helps you feel better and in control, then that's valid. His "jokes," even if meant lightly, can come across as dismissive or critical—especially if this has already been addressed in therapy.

It’s good that he’s trying to improve, but part of that is also recognizing that small comments, even said as jokes, can be discouraging or frustrating. You’re not doing anything wrong by tidying a drawer or keeping the house in order.

Simple advice: Calmly remind him that his comments make you feel judged , not supported. If he’s genuinely worried about you overworking, you two can agree on shared breaks or rest times—but it shouldn’t come at the expense of what makes you feel good in your own space.

Nooo definitely not!! I spend so much quality time with my kids! I clean when they are in bed! I never tutt at them or complain that they are not helping.. I just like to make meals for them sometimes because I think it's a nice thing to do..

Also it wasn't really an opportunity for us to spend time together as it's the middle of his working day and he is very busy with work..

I'm sorry, but your posts are confusing (to me anyway) & it sounds (to me) like you could do well having someone professional to talk to, to unload & clear your thinking.

IF I have this right he's your DH (not just partner) and you live together, you have kids together (they're not just yours). Am I right so far?

Why did he say 'my house would not be like this'. Is it not his house too?

He's alternatively criticising you for not 'meeting his standards' & then complaining you're doing things that improve the house standard?

From what you have written, he sounds like a mind fucking wanker who I'd be separating from.

Sounds like you are exhibiting OCD and are getting on everyone’s nerves.

Thankyou @AutumnCosy2025 sorry if my posts are confusing... yes he is my partner, we are engaged and have one child together and my son from my previous marriage lives with us.

When we got together he sold his house and moved into my house (on the other side of town) as his as as my eldest son was already set up in a school here.

Thankyou @Alexander7🙏🙏

OP, having read all of your comments, I think your partner is not helping and is actually fuelling your OCD. It’s great that you are getting therapy and hopefully that’s helping. You seem very aware of what you are doing and it sounds like you are spending quality time with your kids which really is the whole point. There is nothing wrong with making homemade food for your family, that’s normal!

I think your partner is being an ass and some of your stress is because of his comments and his judgment. If he thinks you are not up to standard then he can step up and keep the house tidy and clean the way he thinks is right. But he is delegating it you and also judging you for how you do it. You really can’t win. I would really try and focus on this and address it with him. Frankly if nothing changes I would reconsider the relationship. He is supposed to have your back not judge you and make your difficulties even worse. Think about if this is the kind of life you want to live.

AIBU to think my husband should help more with dinner while I’m breastfeeding?
Hi everyone,

I’ve just had our second baby two months ago, and things have been… chaotic, to say the least. I’m exclusively breastfeeding, and most evenings I’m completely drained by the time dinner needs to be made.

My husband works full time (so do I, technically, I’m just on maternity leave), and when he gets home, he often says he’s “too tired” to cook or even help with basic things like setting the table or cleaning up after.

He thinks that since I’m home all day, it’s “only fair” that I handle meals — even though taking care of a newborn and a toddler is a full-time job.

Last night I got frustrated and told him I need more help. He said I’m being dramatic and that I “knew what motherhood was like.”

AIBU to think he should share dinner duties, even if he’s working and I’m on maternity leave?

Hi @Alexander7 I think you posted this on her by accident... but you are DEFINITELY not being unreasonable... he sounds like a douche.. you are looking after two kids (toddler and newborn) at home all day he can't absolutely help with dinner! How old is he?

Thankyou so much for your reply @LoveWine123 and for taking the time to read all the comments. I really appreciate it. I felt a bit overwhelmed by a couple of the comments yesterday although I'm grateful for them too because I'll be more mindful in future. Xx

Thank you for your message. I actually didn’t mean to post this here, but I appreciate your support and understanding.

> He’s 38 and doesn’t help me at all, even though I’m taking care of both kids all day.

Thank you for your message. I actually didn’t mean to post this here, but I appreciate your support and understanding.

> He’s 38 and doesn’t help me at all, even though I’m taking care of both kids all day.

Hi everyone,
I’m a mom of two — one is a newborn and the other is a bit older — and lately I’ve been feeling completely overwhelmed. My husband is 38, but he doesn’t really help with the kids or around the house. I’m trying my best to be a good mom, but honestly, I feel like I’m drowning between breastfeeding, cleaning, cooking, and caring for my older child. I barely have a moment for myself.

I’d really appreciate some advice:

What are some healthy and easy meals I can prepare for both my newborn and my older child (something age-appropriate for each)?

How can I better organize my time between housework, taking care of the kids, and self-care?

And how can I get my husband to be more involved without turning it into an argument?

Any tips or personal experiences would m
ean a lot ❤️

Yes @Alexander7you are NOTbeing unreasonable! I would be fuming!

From your posts OP it sounds like though you live together your DH does not feel comfortable in the home. We won’t know but it’s possible you are difficult to live with - continually changing, clearing and being ‘on’ can be quite disturbing to be around. I would not like living like this - is it really needed what you’re doing and how often do you do this?
Homemade meals are a good thing but at what point are you getting up, clearing drawers, moving about and bringing this energy to the home? Some people want to live in their home and not have it managed?

Im really asking what is the atmosphere like in your home? It’s the same with cleaning, tidying up - also continual home improvements. It’s draining to be around.

If you live together, I don't understand why the kitchen drawers are automatically your domain, or how he is saying "my house wouldn't be like this".

It's just as much his responsibility as yours to sort these things, he lives there!

And he sounds like a goady twat. I like to sort things when I have some down time, drawers and so on. It annoyed my ex (who also, conversely, complained about the state of the house). That's one of the reasons he is now an ex!

@Alexander7, you need to start your own thread. You are repeatedly posting on someone else’s.