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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you stay friends with this person? Unsure

59 replies

Parmaviolet3456 · 14/10/2025 12:10

WWYD?

We’ve been friends for years (since childhood)
Around 5 years ago I noticed a change in her, since having kids really. She became quite opinionated and judgemental. She is otherwise a lovely person and very caring but sometimes her need to say her opinion on my life choices annoys me.

We had had conversations about this in the past after a few fallings out and she said it’s just who she is. I’ve tried to accept it as she has so many other good qualities.

I think some of it comes from a place of jealousy. She will comment on me taking my DC away abroad, my house, the age gap we’re wanting for DC2 etc

I’m going to take a step back from her for a whilst I have a think on what to do.

YABU - everyone has traits, this is her, if she’s an otherwise good friend then just shut her down
YANBU - you’re in your mid 30’s and don’t need a friend picking your decisions apart or judging them - ditch her

OP posts:
DreamOfTheRarebitFiend · 14/10/2025 12:12

I'm not a fan of 'It's just who I am' to excuse obnoxious behaviour. Life's too short to be around people who judge you. I'd quietly fade away and let the friendship die off.

FuzzyWolf · 14/10/2025 12:14

I think you need to make sure that either you are able to separate the issues you disagree with so it doesn’t impact your friendship or else accept it’s time to move on.

lazyarse123 · 14/10/2025 12:15

I too hate the "it's just who I am" nonsense. It's just an excuse to be mean to your friends. I would distance myself from her and if she asks why tell her friends are meant to be supportive not judgemental. Fine if an opinion is asked for but usually it's not.

IvedoneitagainhaventI · 14/10/2025 12:16

She is having a negative effect on you.
You really don't need that in your life.
I agree with pp about gradually withdrawing from.the friendship.

Lipglosser · 14/10/2025 12:17

What exactly does she say ?
give some examples

if it’s basically put downs
to Make herself feel better and to make you feel worse

then I’d kick to the curb

perhaps if you do like her maybe give her some sort of warning like, why do you keep trying to put me down ?
and hope she corrects but if she doenst
life is too short for haters

Original poster
Parmaviolet3456 · 14/10/2025 12:17

DreamOfTheRarebitFiend · 14/10/2025 12:12

I'm not a fan of 'It's just who I am' to excuse obnoxious behaviour. Life's too short to be around people who judge you. I'd quietly fade away and let the friendship die off.

This is how I feel a bit. “It’s just who I am” is what she says after I get taken aback / upset with the comment she’s made.

Just an example without being too outing. She’s had 2 home births, I’ve had an emergency section and want to opt for an elective c section for my second and she said she thinks I’m mad and I’m missing out and I’ll regret not trying for a natural labour. She has 14 months between her 2 and thinks I’m insane for wanting a 3-4 year age gap. Apparently that’s a big age gap in her view and that my DC’s might not get on when they’re older.

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 14/10/2025 12:18

Why is mn doing double posts? Be much easier if it would just let you delete the second one unless I'm doing it wrong.

MyMilchick · 14/10/2025 12:20

Unsolicited advice/opinions on your life is not "being opinionated" she doesn't get a say on your life choices like that, especially since you've told her you don't want her opinions on these choices. I would take a step back

Notimeforahaircut · 14/10/2025 12:20

Just ask yourself does she fill your cup or does she drain it? X

MyMilchick · 14/10/2025 12:22

Parmaviolet3456 · 14/10/2025 12:17

This is how I feel a bit. “It’s just who I am” is what she says after I get taken aback / upset with the comment she’s made.

Just an example without being too outing. She’s had 2 home births, I’ve had an emergency section and want to opt for an elective c section for my second and she said she thinks I’m mad and I’m missing out and I’ll regret not trying for a natural labour. She has 14 months between her 2 and thinks I’m insane for wanting a 3-4 year age gap. Apparently that’s a big age gap in her view and that my DC’s might not get on when they’re older.

Show quote history

You're not missing out at all lmao, have the C section! (sorry for my unsolicited advice :p )

lazyarse123 · 14/10/2025 12:22

Giving birth is giving birth however it happens. I have 3 kids there is 17 months between the first two and 18 months between the last two and the closest relationship is between the eldest and youngest so just over 3 years between them. So basically you "friend" is talking out of her arse.

Lipglosser · 14/10/2025 12:22

Parmaviolet3456 · 14/10/2025 12:17

This is how I feel a bit. “It’s just who I am” is what she says after I get taken aback / upset with the comment she’s made.

Just an example without being too outing. She’s had 2 home births, I’ve had an emergency section and want to opt for an elective c section for my second and she said she thinks I’m mad and I’m missing out and I’ll regret not trying for a natural labour. She has 14 months between her 2 and thinks I’m insane for wanting a 3-4 year age gap. Apparently that’s a big age gap in her view and that my DC’s might not get on when they’re older.

Show quote history

Oh so sounds more bossy than trying to put you down ?

could you try and assert some boundaries here
Like look I know you mean well, but you’re you, and I’m me, there’s many ways to skin a cat
you make your choices about where to give birth and how many kids to have and I’ll make mine
and perhaps change the subject

Lipglosser · 14/10/2025 12:23

If she’s doenst stop tho hehe you’re asked her to back off being so bossy

then I’d distance massively

badhairmum · 14/10/2025 12:24

What happens if you're equally judgemental back and judge her choices? Would she accept that that's 'just who you are'?

BountifulPantry · 14/10/2025 12:25

Parmaviolet3456 · 14/10/2025 12:17

This is how I feel a bit. “It’s just who I am” is what she says after I get taken aback / upset with the comment she’s made.

Just an example without being too outing. She’s had 2 home births, I’ve had an emergency section and want to opt for an elective c section for my second and she said she thinks I’m mad and I’m missing out and I’ll regret not trying for a natural labour. She has 14 months between her 2 and thinks I’m insane for wanting a 3-4 year age gap. Apparently that’s a big age gap in her view and that my DC’s might not get on when they’re older.

Show quote history

Wow.

Medical information and the age gap between kids is none of her business!

Id fade this one and find some friends who are supportive and stay out your business!

Definitelynotme2022 · 14/10/2025 12:26

For me, that's right up there with "I'm not being rude, I'm just speaking my mind". Nope, you're just being rude!

I realise I'm a bit older than you, but I really don't have space in my life for negativity from other peope - regardless of how they frame it.

If you do want to keep her in your life, then you need to talk to her about it. Otherwise I'd be distancing mysel.

Original poster
Parmaviolet3456 · 14/10/2025 12:26

Lipglosser · 14/10/2025 12:22

Oh so sounds more bossy than trying to put you down ?

could you try and assert some boundaries here
Like look I know you mean well, but you’re you, and I’m me, there’s many ways to skin a cat
you make your choices about where to give birth and how many kids to have and I’ll make mine
and perhaps change the subject

Show quote history

Since becoming a mum I find that she is a bit “I’m doing everything the right way, everyone else is doing it wrong”

My house is too small, my birth choices aren’t what she would do, she has made comments on other friends of ours as well.

I do think it’s a bossy thing

OP posts:
ComfortFoodCafe · 14/10/2025 12:28

I would tell her theres being accidentally unkind and theres being nasty knowingly, shes choosing the latter and then I would dump her as a friend.

Catpiece · 14/10/2025 12:28

Yellow rock. Slow fade. I reply to texts in a polite way but I don’t instigate the texting anymore. Years and years of sly digs, put downs, attempts at superiority. Leave me alone now

Mary46 · 14/10/2025 12:32

I think if you not enjoying it would step back a bit. I met a girl years ago she was super competitive over the babies! I stopped telling her so much. I def distanced a bit. Tg it fizzled out once both us back work.

Lipglosser · 14/10/2025 12:33

Parmaviolet3456 · 14/10/2025 12:26

Since becoming a mum I find that she is a bit “I’m doing everything the right way, everyone else is doing it wrong”

My house is too small, my birth choices aren’t what she would do, she has made comments on other friends of ours as well.

I do think it’s a bossy thing

Show quote history

I’d probably take A big break from her
as I can’t really stand bossy know it all types

perhaps she’s a bit jealous of you in some way or underneath her I know it all, she’s actually feeling really unsure

either way if you dread it when you see her name pop up in your phone
that’s telling you something
so listen to it and at least give yourself a break from her

MyMilchick · 14/10/2025 12:38

badhairmum · 14/10/2025 12:24

What happens if you're equally judgemental back and judge her choices? Would she accept that that's 'just who you are'?

Yes, good point. OP could try giving her a taste of her own medicine and see if that makes her see how annoying it is

Firefly100 · 14/10/2025 12:42

I would push back on her statements. Something like ‘I didn’t ask for your opinion and I really don’t want it’ or ‘that remark is very rude and offensive’. If she does the whole ‘that is just who I am’ thing then the response is: ‘I am understanding that to mean I must spend time with a person who is rude / offensive / thoughtless or I cannot see you. Is that correct? What would you do if someone you spent time with was rude to you each time? Each time she is rude / inconsiderate and would not walk it back I would leave. ‘I don’t see much point continuing this at this time then do you?’ Either she will adapt or the friendship will die naturally.

Original poster
Parmaviolet3456 · 14/10/2025 12:42

MyMilchick · 14/10/2025 12:38

Yes, good point. OP could try giving her a taste of her own medicine and see if that makes her see how annoying it is

Show quote history

Although this is tit for tat I feel like actually doing it next time she’s judgemental to me and when she responds say “I don’t actually think that, I’m just trying to make you realise that is how you make others feel”

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 14/10/2025 12:43

There is a certain kind of person (my mother has a tendency to be one) who will take you doing anything differently to how they would do it as a direct criticism of their choices.

Its basically insecurity. If she was genuinely secure and happy in her choices then she wouldnt feel the need to push you to do the same. She needs that validation that she did the right thing because "Look @Parmaviolet3456 did the same as me so it must have been the right decision" but you doing something different makes her question herself.

Like I said it comes from insecurity but shows as her being bossy and obnoxious. And there is probably more than a bit of envy there that you dont care what other people think of you and your choices, and she cares very much but probably wishes she could be more like you.