Would you stay friends with this person? Unsure

[Parmaviolet3456]

WWYD?

We’ve been friends for years (since childhood)
Around 5 years ago I noticed a change in her, since having kids really. She became quite opinionated and judgemental. She is otherwise a lovely person and very caring but sometimes her need to say her opinion on my life choices annoys me.

We had had conversations about this in the past after a few fallings out and she said it’s just who she is. I’ve tried to accept it as she has so many other good qualities.

I think some of it comes from a place of jealousy. She will comment on me taking my DC away abroad, my house, the age gap we’re wanting for DC2 etc

I’m going to take a step back from her for a whilst I have a think on what to do.

YABU - everyone has traits, this is her, if she’s an otherwise good friend then just shut her down
YANBU - you’re in your mid 30’s and don’t need a friend picking your decisions apart or judging them - ditch her

She will comment on me taking my DC away abroad, my house, the age gap we’re wanting for DC2 etc

Friends don't judge you or criticize you for taking vacations , age gaps, and so on. She's criticizing you so she can feel superior and let you know it under the guide of friendship. It's not just who she is because you say she became like this since having kids. There's a lack or need there that criticizing fills. I'd just meet less and less and let this one go.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head

I didn’t want to comment or put this in my OP as I didn’t want people thinking I’m nasty about my friend but she is insecure.

She is the youngest of 4 sisters and always overlooked, told she isn’t as good at x y z compared to her other sisters.

Her parents pay more attention to her sisters DC’s than her own. I know she struggles with this.

The fact she is insecure and needs reassurance is what makes me less inclined to ditch her as a friend, but I of course shouldn’t have to put up with it

The comments about her sisters and their kids.....do you think thats really true or could be just her perception? In my family there is one person who is convinced that they are overlooked and get less time and attention than their siblings. In fact the opposite is true, as they are so demanding, but they see any time and attention given to a sibling as time "stolen" from them, so they feel overlooked and ignored.

How you deal with it....not sure without causing even more insecurity or (more likely) a bloody great row and her cementing her view of herself as permavictim.

My brother is head of department and had to deal with a member of staff who ' called a spade a spade'. She was very much a ' professional northerner' and regarded it as a regional right to say exactly what she thought, no matter how nasty / rude it was. She told him this at the meeting. No , he said, you're just rude Maureen. Stop it now.
Perhaps you should try that with your friend. Failing that fade her out. Just because you've been friends for years doesn't mean you have to be friends forever.

It's grey rock

Yes, and tbh OP the very fact that you’ve come on MN and posted a thread about her tells you all you need to know. If someone is a positive force in your life, you don’t ask others whether you should ditch them. You just feel grateful to have them.

You should probably do a google check before telling people they're wrong 😛Yellow rock is a milder version of grey rock

So true!!

The whole “sibling who have a bigger age gap won’t be close” is so silly. I know loads of siblings who are very close in age and hate eachother, my best friend and her two sisters are all only a year apart but have nothing in common. Yet me and my middle sister are 4 years apart and are VERY close, and me and my youngest sister are nearly 10 years apart, have loads in common and do lots together. I get why people want babies close in age, but it’s the constant comments about it, I had the same comments from people and it wound me up too 😂

There’s two trains of thought here, one is be friends with lots of different people even if you don’t agree with them, otherwise you narrow your pool to a few and forget to accept others.

Or, struggle to deal with other people unlike yourself.

personally, I don’t mind people as long as they’re not unkind, lofty, think they’re above others and tell them often. People like this get others down and I just came be bothered with them, however people different yet kind, absolutely come on board.

she sounds like someone just start to be busy when she asks if you are free, or talk to her straight you find her difficult with her pious views.

What you are describing isn’t right or wrong. You need to say that you can both have ways of doing things and both can be right. It isn’t a right or wrong to have a c-section or a natural birth or have a close age gap or one far apart. They are what suit that individual- so what’s right for her might not be right for you. You are different people and that’s ok to be different. You can still be friends and be different if you can both respect the other person’s differences and choices.

There is a bit of a difference between her expressing her opinion in terms of what works for her but respecting you to do things differently. She might not agree with you or do it like you but she can show respect. This is the boundary. Life choices and decisions are not a competition.

Does she dictate what you should do or agree to disagree? If she is an unwilling listener and not ready to hear and acknowledge you and is only interested in the sound of her own voice, then I’d tell her directly that upsets you. You have nothing to lose. Say I really like so much about you as a person, but when you disrespect my choices I find it controlling and belittling. I’d give an example. Tell her. Otherwise she will never know. I think it’s better to understand why as she might gain some awareness. Or she may just continue. Either way you did your best. If she gets cross and won’t change then you know you tried and can step away having at least been honest. It’s up to her whether she takes the feedback on board. She may well decide that’s just the way she is. And not change. And that’s entirely her choice. She may lose friends as a consequences of that choice. But that’s up to her.

YANBU shes not a friend. Cut ties. Find some new people who are your tribe and build you up. I think you have outgrown each other time to move on.

She sounds competitive & bored. I think you could do better and find more interesting friends x

It’s yellow rock. Grey rock is almost complete shut down

I’ve had this. Eventually I responded with “do you actually like me? Because it doesn’t sound like it”.

I think long ongoing relationships with friends who have children or even just partners can be quite difficult is some instances if your are by yourself .

Priorities change and you are living in a different world. Sometimes you have to move on and find different friends.

Don't worry it happens to us all as some stage of life.

OP, you don't owe her your time, peace and mental health.
People who are insecure and have to put others down are a pain in the arse.
Life is just too short.
Slow fade.
Be busy and unavailable.
Not need for further discussion, you tried that already.

She is so wrong about age gaps. There are 14 months between my sister and I and it was close enough that we were only a school year apart and constantly in competition with each other. We are very different personalities with very different traits and abilities and the friction was often unbearable.

We are in our late fifties now. We haven't seen each other since our dad's funeral 21 months ago and I wouldn't care if we never saw each other again. And we probably won't.

My own DDs are exactly 3 years apart. It was close enough that they grew up together but far enough apart that they couldn't compete. The older one saw her sister as cute and adorable and the younger one looked up to her big sister and trusted her completely. They argued and fought occasionally over 'stolen' clothes or who got the biggest slice of cake etc. but there wasn't the bitterness of my fights with my sister.

They are grown up and married now and are absolutely BFFs. Luckily their husbands get on! TBH I'm jealous of their closeness and wish I could have experienced that but I'm glad they have each other.

As a PP said, you need to weigh up whether your friend is adding to your life or draining you. If it's the latter, ease back from things a bit for now. In later years she will probably realise she isn't quite as omniscient as she thinks now and become easier to deal with.

If you want to push back a bit more gently, a good technique is to mirror back her offensive/thick-skinned remarks, but pose them as questions:
"I wonder if you realise that when you say xyz it comes over as really quite offensive?", or: "Did you know that when you (...xyz....) it can seem very like bullying and aggressiveness".

Wondering aloud about whether a person has an awareness of the effect of his/her own behaviour on others can be a powerful technique. Makes a point without you seeming overly aggressive yourself - as some people cannot take even the mildest form of correction.

This falls under the category “Opinions are like arseholes, everyone has one but we don’t necessarily need to hear it”

I am no fan of the “that’s the why I call it/am approach”.

I had similar with a colleague. Pulled up for his manner, would say “I’m just saying it as it is”. Me, “Well, you don’t have to so don’t Dave”.

If you can't bring yourself to tell her to Fuck off who asked you . Can you say something almost rude and tell her when you want her opinion you will ask for it otherwise zip it . No ? Guess you are not great friends so ditch her..

Have you ever said to her

“Have you ever noticed that you seem to think that the way you do things is the “right” way and the only way to do them personally I don’t think there is just one right way of doing most things in life.”

Just keep saying it to her with each one of her “right thinking comments”.

I would give her a chance.

Delivered monotone, with a voice of exasperation -
”you know what Trish, your unsolicited opinions about me and my family are wearing, can you please just keep your opinions to yourself, I just don’t want to hear them”.

That will give her something to consider and think over.
Slow fade then if she doesn’t stop - and she will be very clear about your reason.

I've been in a really similar friendship - a genuinely really nice person in many regards whose conversation was just a stream of judgement. If she read a picture book to her kid at my house she'd comment on how its language or messaging was wrong, she commented negatively on the style of our new kitchen, and yes things like birth choices, breastfeeding, potty training etc were a minefield of dogmatism. Anything that deviated from what she thought was best, she'd have to comment on.

I really don't think she is malicious. Her internal monologue is just super critical, and that's sad. I feel she lacks a social filter and often says things she thinks are universal truths without realising they denigrate people around her. Anyway, I tried for years. Eventually she just said one thing too many about my recurrent miscarriages and I checked out. Realised I didn't want that in my life and where I'd been robust enough to shake off most of her opinions, I shouldn't have to. So I stopped seeing her.

I feel bad because I know she was hurt and confused by my slow fade, but I couldn't get the message through to her and ultimately had to protect myself. My partner still sees her sometimes, when our kids want playdates. I see her in groups. But we aren't really mates any more. It's not a nice tidy ending, it does feel messy and sad, but on the whole I'm happier not having her in my space.

Is she judgmental or is she just being a critical friend ? We all need critical friends …. Otherwise we can surround oiursekves with sycophantic folk who agreee and nod along (as with trump)