Friend and Continued Work Absence

[GentleWord]

I have a friend who has some mental and physical health diagnoses. She qualified as a teacher more than ten years ago. She has worked in different settings - state schools, private schools, and preschools.

Since then, she has had a few jobs as a teacher, but on average, she has up to half the time she is employed off sick. This does become an issue, and mostly she has to move on.

Never quietly. It usually goes through legal channels and I know the company have settled at least twice.

Before, I didn't think much about this, but now I have reason to think about schooling, I don't think it is fair that she keeps taking jobs that she cannot do. I'm actually unsure how she manages to get a new job with her history but apparently schools have only very recently been demanding of the last reference and now you can give "bad" references.

I don't think it is fair on the children to have a teacher who is so unreliable. I don't think it is fair on the staff. I think after a decade, it should be clear to her and her family that she cannot be a teacher. However, I think they cling to her profession as a status thing.

The same pattern is occurring again where shw is started to have repeated and medium term absences from a job she started last year. I think this time I should be a bit more honest with her about her career and the other people affected by how she engages with her job.

Unreasonable - dont say anything and just support her

Reasonable - find the words to say that teaching isn't an appropriate career choice.

I understand where you’re coming from OP. There are two issues.

1. I think you’ve lost respect for her and so probably the friendship is over.
2. One needs to be very robust both physically and mentally to be a teacher and clearly she isn’t. I think you’re right that it’s the wrong profession for her. With a less demanding job, she may well not need so much time off.

I dont think you can be a good teacher and be absent as much as she is. You can be good with the kids. You cant be a good teacher for the class.

You're downright judgemental which isn't very friendly either.

You are not being unreasonable AT ALL. And I say this as someone who works in secondary education. If you’re not cut out for the job, do yourself and everyone else a favour and leave.

I don’t know what rules you’re thinking of, you’ve always been able to give a bad reference as long as it is factual. Including something like absence in a reference may be negative but is easily proven as true.

Unless she’s moved round frequently I’m also surprised there hasn’t been word of mouth about a teacher working at loads of different schools in a geographic location and having a lot of absence.

I think you are being unfair TBH. If she has health issues she is trying to overcome them .She is a trained Teacher ,surely she should be allowed a chance?,Why take a job from a person who isnt qualified.I think you are letting your feelings of having young DC in School ,cloud your judgement! Many Teachers /Nurses whatever have stress leave as well .

She should do supply only

If she is a teacher in a state school then the tax payer is still paying for her sick leave. She will still be getting paid AND the school will then need to find the funds for a supply teacher. Supply teachers are not obligated to plan or mark. So they will effectively being babysat (very expensively) whilst she is off sick.

if she would accept that she can’t work full time and accept a part time teacher then the school could implement a job share situation with another part time teacher.

OP’s friend needs to take some responsibility and adapt her work life to her abilities.

Surely regardless of references etc she’s going to run out of local schools at some point? Or is she in a major city? Even then, teachers talk, she can’t stop it.

You continue to cherry pick the bits of my post to respond to. Is it because they don’t suit your narrative? Or actually you have no idea what her working environment has been like or how employers have supported her and this is just a judgmental moan from a frenemy.

Is she genuinely sick/too poorly to work?
What support is she getting if her illnesses make her, in practical terms, unemployable?

Safer recruiting I think it is called.

It seems as if you don’t really like or respect this person and they probably know that, so maybe it’s best you back away from the relationship. It sounds as if you feel they are in the wrong, irrespective of perspectives shared here. I don’t think you can be a good friend given your resentment.

I don’t think you’ve understood.

And do you really think up until recently schools were hiring teachers without references? If so I’d be more concerned about who else could be working there than a teacher with a lot of absence.

London so there are lots of schools she could theoretically get to plus private vs state, under 5s vs 5-8/11. She's been in various settings. One she only had 9 kids in her class.

Before you didn't need one from your last employer. Now you do.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/68add931969253904d155860/Keeping_children_safe_in_education_from_1_September_2025.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwi0_f2ZjqOQAxW4X0EAHYTtCW4QFnoECCQQAQ&usg=AOvVaw2sayes0FnHEPTFj7CCnDSA

I think the friendship for me would hinge on whether I thought she was taking the piss, or if she was genuinely upset that ill health consistently prevented her doing her job.

If she's just playing the system then I would take that as someone who's morals and ethics didn't align with mine, and I would back away from the friendship.

I wouldn't confront her though; whatever her attitude is she will be fully aware of what she is doing and the impact it has. You pointing it out to her is just you venting your frustration- don't dress it up as 'helping'your friend.

Again OP, do you really think schools were hiring teachers without full checks including most recent reference? If someone declined to give their most recent or current place of work as a reference that would be a red flag, especially in education or any sort of care/safeguarding setting.

Of course it’s not unreasonable to expect people to attend work more than half of the time, especially something as important as teaching.

if she has a disability she’s entitled to reasonable adjustments. It’s hard to see that being off for half the time is reasonable.

Hahaha you're a hoot.
Try pulling that amount of absence with Asda your arse would be out the door.

She gets the support of being paid when she is off sick and the school employing supply staff in her absence.
Great for her, not so good for the children in her class or the school that is having to pay out to 'support' her.

Yes I know they were. In fact, she once told me that schools are more amenable to that because theyre aware of how toxic some schools can be.

Leaving aside the fact that you’re obviously a bloody terrible friend, this jumped out at me:

Her family and her would think that she is worth more than a retail job though and take immense pride that she can call herself a teacher. I mean they'd have preferred lawyer or something but teaching at least requires a degree.

… and I think it’s fairly easy to see what’s happening here: this poor woman is clearly trying to live up to family expectations and pressure. She probably didn’t want to be a teacher at all, but was pushed into it. And now it’s all she can do even though she can’t mentally cope with it, so she keeps taking jobs so as not to let the family down and then ends up with severe mental health issues as a result. I feel for the poor woman, it’s incredibly difficult to get out of this kind of cycle. She’s probably terrified having to drag herself in there every day but she has to earn a living, so she does it until she simply can’t any more, goes off sick, quits, tries again when she needs to pay her bills, and the cycle repeats. I wish her well. You on the other hand, who thinks people with illnesses or disabilities are only good enough to work in Asda, not so much.

She genuinely has these mental health conditions. She has a physical health condition.