When do mothers stop having playdates for themselves?

[Tripletoad]

When does mothers going on playdates with other mothers actually stop?

When are children allowed to choose their own friends?

Depends on how needy the mother is. Mostly school age..
The kids start asking for playmates with their friends. Although I know parents that have blocked playmates when they don't want to know the parents and encouraged playmates when they want to snooze the parents. Inc blatant social climbing 🤣 some people are just up their own arse and don't consider the child's wants as primary consideration.

Around P2 I'd say, instead we seen to have started taking the kids only for playdates then also .meeting up with mums we're actually friends with for coffee after drop offs or drinks or whatever. It's actually pretty great.

Children here don’t usually go to each others houses at all without their parents, even in year 5 or 6. I think it’s probably a combination of being a city (so people have smaller houses) and fears about safeguarding. I’ve never known any kids to have play dates without their parents.

After 7 years of knowing the same families, I finally got left with a small group of children recently (somewhat unexpectedly as usually the mums come) and it was SO much easier to manage than hosting all the parents.

I’d happily have kids to play every week if I didn’t have to always make grown up small talk too! The kids are easily pleased.

I don’t understand. My DC didn’t have play dates until they started school and made friends there. I got to know the mothers through the children.

I guess there were a couple of occasions when I met up with other women I knew with a similar aged baby but I wouldn’t really have called them play dates. Mostly my friends either had older children or no children. Didn’t do local mother and baby groups as DC had contact with other children at nursery whilst I was working.

It really depends. I had pre school mum friends and school mum friends, whom I continued to meet with the kids, with my eldest child. Second was toddler in lockdown so no pre school friends and at school the mums of her friends are mainly odd so she gets far less play dates, sadly.

So many "friendships" seem to be engineered for the benefit of the mothers' social ambitions and this is where their energy goes. Social climbing galore and glaringly obvious, and only letting kids play with people whose mothers these mothers want to be friends with. It's not that kids can't be friends at school, of course they can and are. But friendships outside the school only supported where it benefits the social climbing mother.
All seems toxic and unhealthy.

Was anyone able to observe, how do such children fare? May be I should start doing it 🤔

Do you live in downtown Abbey that people have 'social ambitions'? Like the scullery maid wants her kid to be friends with the housekeepers kids or something? So bizarre.

Its a mix surely?

Some of DS & DDs friends i know and like the mums, its quite normal round here in that instance for people to linger for a cup of tea or a glass of wine when dropping off or collecting.

It doesn't really impinge upon DS choice of friends. I see the mums/dads i like socially at other times on my own account, which kids come to play is driven by the kids saying "can x come over" etc

The only child I've consciously not had back was a boy with parents who were crunchy AF and had no boundaries. He just was not used to the word no - was boisterous, didn't listen & hurt my younger child.

I think that's a very uncharitable view. My daughter chooses her own friends, but I still attend the playdates, and make an effort to know the parents of her friends. I've met some really lovely people through her friendships!

Since 2020 I've worked mostly from home, so I'm always happy to have a coffee and get to know other parents whilst our kids play.

Possibly. A move is in order methinks...

I have been on playdates with friends I had before DC was born who coincidentally have children of similar age. The kids aren't best friends but get on fine.

Mostly though I only have playdates with children my DC likes and asks me to arrange playdates with. That's how I got to know the parents! I haven't really made friends with any school parents without being introduced via our kids first.

I haven't experienced any social engineering like that you mentioned, but doubtless it does happen.

What ages though

That's so funny, my social ambitons involve having a coffee with someone who has a similar sense of humor and the same day off work in the week as me who doesn't mind paying too much for decent coffee for the joy of not going home to start straight I to the housework 😂

Oooh OR someone else who manages the odd evening out for a glass of wine but understands bedtime is a 2 parent gig in our house so I'll be leaving at 8pm.

Even better if someone is up for a cinema matinee on a Tuesday to see something that's not a cartoon

My 7 yr old wants a new (ish) pal from school to come for a playdate, by a complicated chain of text messages I got his mums number, she said 'why don't we both come round 1 weekend first' obviously to check I'm not a drug dealer or people trafficker I assume, I'd do the same. Best case scenario we might become friends, worst case scenario we have a coffee and the boys are able to go to each others houses safely and comfortably going forward. It's all very awkward though. Are you struggling to initiate playdates for your child?

Well are they or you new to the school or is it common that parents are drug dealers round there? Anyway it's not an issue that you'd like to come along on that occasion, it's more that mum decides who her kid will play with and it's never someone who doesn't benefit that mother rather than her child

It's just an observation that kids often ask for playdates but mum decides which ones will be facilitated and very often it's only the ones where the mother is essentially facilitating playdates for herself, because she wants to be friends with the mother herself, because of the jobs, houses, class and other things to advance her social climbing.

Genuine friendships aren't supported, the kids needs aren't met, kids get message they aren't important. It just routinely seems to happen all around.

My kid chose their own friends in primary and I met the mums through them and at the school gates. I must have struck gold with our parents' group because I get on with all of the parents and I'd be happy to host any classmate or take DC over to someone's house to play.

DC is now 9 and sometimes I drop them off but more often than not I still tag along purely because I like to sit and chat with the mums. It's usually a couple of hours of nice natter and coffee, and a good opportunity to double check what we're supposed to be doing at school and discuss any worries. The kids are usually upstairs and me and the other parent hang out downstairs. I still take part in some of the play if invited to, because I'm a big kid. 😁 They love it when the adults join in.

I reckon in about a year or two DC will be going without me, but it doesn't bother me because I know the families.

I think this might be a more private school thing, I have noticed it amongst my friends. Pushing their little girls to be friends with so and so’s daughter because they’re bankers or what not.

Thankfully DS just played with whoever and I was led by him. Happy to engage in small talk with any of the parents and kept it at that.

Would you if they lived in a smaller house, had a job less important than yours and the mother wasn't someone you wanted as a friend.

I've literally never seen this happen.

one example and there are hundreds really of such a mother, she has a kid doing drama, so once she learnt other parents worked in film that's who she intensely hosts and encourages playdates with. Or people who work in roles where she may want a job for herself. Etc.
Anything to advance herself rather than support the kid's genuine choice of friends.

My last post was in relation to OP’s comment on social climbers. Staying at play dates, I would hang around to be honest to supervise my own child and from a safeguarding point as you never really know anyone that well or who has access to their home.

Op I was invited to a birthday party once, well my son was anyway. There were hardly any children, it was the host’s daughter’s bday. The adults on the other hand … so many it was like networking event rather than a child’s bday party. I was intensely put off and distance myself from said mum.

Exactly this

Or a typical kids guest list approved by the mother qualifying criteria being what house the parent lives in, what job they do and how they speak, plus does the mother wish to be needy bffs with the other mother.

School age. My ds was going to playdates and we were having friends in return from reception age. My ds picked his own friends and they were invited regardless of their family set up. Didn't even occur to us to find out what jobs the parents did in most cases. Never friends with school parents but friendly and cordial regarding the kids.

nailed it