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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I wish I was a father

72 replies

CervezaWhaat889 · 13/10/2025 20:39

I'm a first time mum to a 14 month old. FML. His dad is actually very patient and fun and spends a lot of time with him. But I'm the ONLY source of comfort, the ONLY one that can put him to sleep, the only one that always thinks about his food and snacks (severe allergies, meals are not simple), just responsible for everything. I'm also the breadwinner BTW and went back to work when DS was 8 months old. I'm also fat and in extreme pain, still, because of pregnancy. Don't think I can even face the thought of another one, not that my body could actually do it even if my brain accepted the risks.

I'm so tired. DH is so fucking perfect and has such an easy life and I sometimes just hate him for it. My life would be so much easier as a man. I need a wife.

I know many will come here and tell me about their perfect husbands who do 50/50 everything but in real life, my life, he's better, much better than most of my friends' husbands!!!

OP posts:
nomas · 13/10/2025 20:42

No wonder people with wives live longer. BrewCake

MidnightPatrol · 13/10/2025 20:43

I think a lot of women feel like this after they’ve had a baby OP.

I found it got easier once the baby got older.

Why are you the only one that can put him to sleep, are you still breastfeeding? I found my ability to cope increased dramatically once I stopped breastfeeding and DH could take more responsibility for bed times / night wake ups - and I could actually leave the house.

StrictlyNumbDancing · 13/10/2025 20:50

He’s not perfect. He’s a dick.
Your child has severe allergies - it should not be just on you to know how to handle planning and preparing his food. Your H should also be making an effort to be involved more with comforting and putting to bed so ds can get used to going to him as well. That said the first year or so is really tough and you’re still in it, it will get better.

A friend was a foster carer and had a few emergency new baby placements, she said it really highlighted how much easier it is looking after a baby without pregnancy, labour and birth in the mix which can take months to recover from even without factoring in sleepless nights!

Original poster
CervezaWhaat889 · 13/10/2025 20:53

@MidnightPatrol still breastfeeding, yes. I'd love to stop but he's been non-stop teething for 6 weeks. He has THREE MOLARS and 9 teeth already (which according to the Internet is a loooot for his age) and today developed a 39 C fever and a rash so it's just impossible to stop this minute. He's so ill and out of sorts, I can't take the boob away from him 😭😭😭

OP posts:
Jellybunny56 · 13/10/2025 20:53

Better than most of your friends husband’s doesn’t necessarily mean he’s “good” OP! He could be doing more, if nothing else there’s no reason why you’re the only one who is sorting out his snacks & meals.

I do think though even when you have a really truly present and involved dad & husband who does total 50/50, there’s always a bigger impact on mum. I genuinely couldn’t fault my husband, he is our rock, an amazing husband to me and an amazing dad to our daughter, but when our toddler is sad- she just wants me. When she’s tired or wakes in the night- she just wants me. When she hurts herself or gets a fright, or is doing something new or fun, it's me she looks to. I don’t know if that’s because she was breastfed or if it’s because I had a years maternity leave so we had a lot of time just us two, or maybe that’s just the child she would have been anyway, but it is what it is. None of that is my husband’s fault, he could not have done more, he adores her and she adores him, she’s just a mummy’s girl for now which is lovely but does make my life harder than his!

MidnightPatrol · 13/10/2025 20:55

@CervezaWhaat889 i honestly thinking stopping breastfeeding (when he’s not ill) might he good for you both.

It creates a bit of independence for each of you from the other - and IMO that being needed as a food source / to be able to fall asleep is a massive pressure on the mum (and leads to resentment).

The joy when they wake in the night and it can just be not your turn…

DaisyChain505 · 13/10/2025 20:56

why are you the only one who can put your child to sleep?

You need to push through this and get your husband putting them to sleep so they can do it in future successfully.

Original poster
CervezaWhaat889 · 13/10/2025 20:59

@MidnightPatrol trust me, I will stop at the first opportunity. This BF journey has been such a blessing and a curse, it's insane. And it definitely adds to the resentment.

DS has a severe dairy allergy so I couldn't stop when he was 12 weeks, like I wanted. Formula made him so, so ill, so I persevered. And it has meant that baby has been thriving but I really have not.

OP posts:
Original poster
CervezaWhaat889 · 13/10/2025 21:00

@DaisyChain505 we tried and tried and tried. He screams for ages, falls asleep and then wakes 3 - 5 times a night. When I put him to sleep, he just relaxes and wakes once a night (around 5am).

His separation anxiety has gotten worse as he's got older. DH did a lot of the night wakings until 6/7 months and it's slowly just come to a point where it's worse for everyone if he even steps in the room.

In the daytime, he's DS' favourite person.

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 13/10/2025 21:02

StrictlyNumbDancing · 13/10/2025 20:50

He’s not perfect. He’s a dick.
Your child has severe allergies - it should not be just on you to know how to handle planning and preparing his food. Your H should also be making an effort to be involved more with comforting and putting to bed so ds can get used to going to him as well. That said the first year or so is really tough and you’re still in it, it will get better.

A friend was a foster carer and had a few emergency new baby placements, she said it really highlighted how much easier it is looking after a baby without pregnancy, labour and birth in the mix which can take months to recover from even without factoring in sleepless nights!

I echo this.

Your husband isnt perfect; hes a prick. Instead of supporting his wife, and becoming an amazing father - hes absent.

His dad is actually very patient and fun and spends a lot of time with him

None of that time is spent making sure his life is safe, that he's fed, soothed etc. None of that time is spent supporting his wife, making sure the shopping is done. or the housework is bailed, the foods on the table etc. What youve got is a man who will resort to "ah he will only go to you" - " you might as well get up, he wont go down for me" as he turns over and drifts off to sleep. Hes not perfect hes a prick. Just because he doesn't batter you, doesn't mean hes perfect. Hes not pulling his weight.

peakedat40 · 13/10/2025 21:08

When my DD (2) wakes at night and first thing in the morning, she only wants me. She’s fine with her dad the rest of the time.

Yes, I could force her hand so to speak but I don’t see the point in her going nuclear for hours, the whole house being awake when I could settle her in minutes!

@CervezaWhaat889 i think this is really common with under 2s and to an extent under 5s it gets better and more even. If your DH is one of the good guys then you’ll notice things gradually shifting to a more 50/50 position. Most of us are great in some ways and rubbish in others, men included.

That teething schedule sounds brutal and hopefully things settle for you soon. Hang on in there; fourteen months is a really tricky age, not quite baby or toddler and without the ‘advantages’ if you like to both.

Original poster
CervezaWhaat889 · 13/10/2025 21:09

@toomuchfaff I agree. We have had many arguments, believe me.

But equally, everyone thinks he's amazing for being so good with DS and I get so many "you're so lucky" and "he's such a good dad " comments. All the time. We hold men to a different standard. Totally.

And until I experienced motherhood myself, I had no idea how hard it is. None. I've ruined my life. I'm going to spend the next 18 years working like a dog and being thoroughly unappreciated. While he walks around like a hero.

OP posts:
Original poster
CervezaWhaat889 · 13/10/2025 21:11

@peakedat40 2 seems so far away 😭 and I hate wishing my life away but I can't wait for this child to go to school and hold a conversation.

OP posts:
everychildmatters · 13/10/2025 21:11

@CervezaWhaat889 Looking after a baby is relentless. Do you and your DH both work? I went back to my career when my baby was one and it was honestly great for my MH as I was more than "just mum" and also got a break. I breastfed until she was almost four so also appreciate how exhausting that can be!

everychildmatters · 13/10/2025 21:14

And if you both work (I see you do), then DH should be sharing the housework and childcare fairly. Don't put up with anything less!

Original poster
CervezaWhaat889 · 13/10/2025 21:15

@everychildmatters yes, I've been working 50 hours a week since baby was 8 months old. All I do is work and look after the baby. There is no "me" in any of it.

Lots of women say work is a break but they must have a different job to mine.

OP posts:
Didimum · 13/10/2025 21:16

OP, I can appreciate that everyone needs a rant sometimes but take a step back from the resentment. It’s not your DH’s fault that men are held to a different standard.

Look at what IS his fault. If he’s not taking not as much load as he possibly can, then there’s your one and only problem and your one and only answer.

Sorry, at this point you’re just martyring yourself. You can hand off your toddler and step away, you just won’t. Yes it’s hard when they utterly kick off, but at some point your options are 1) do it or 2) continue to suffer.

Original poster
CervezaWhaat889 · 13/10/2025 21:21

@Didimum I can't fundamentally change DH. We have had many discussions and arguments. I can't MAKE HIM do shit.

The alternative is to split and become a single parent. And I don't want that, that would be much harder than the current setup. I suffer either way.

OP posts:
Renamed · 13/10/2025 21:23

How come you are the “breadwinner” at this point while being drained dry - could that change?

peakedat40 · 13/10/2025 21:24

CervezaWhaat889 · 13/10/2025 21:11

@peakedat40 2 seems so far away 😭 and I hate wishing my life away but I can't wait for this child to go to school and hold a conversation.

I feel / felt the same.

My ds is four and is lovely. He was Hard Work until he got to about three and a half!

Life gets infinitely better when they sleep, eat, you can go to soft play and can sit and chat with your friends while your kids charge around, it is all much better.

My DD is two and while she’s generally a bit easier than ds was at this age (although how much of that is me I couldn’t say) I still look forward to being able to reason a bit with her!

everychildmatters · 13/10/2025 21:25

@CervezaWhaat889 Well I was a teacher so also working long hours. The difference is my husand cooks every meal, does his share of the housework and probably more of the childcare than me (our daughter is 5).
My ex-husband didn't. I left him when my sons were 3 and 6 and never looked back (his misogyny was a big reason for this).
Don't accept him not working as a team.
Can you afford to drop your hours (assume DH is also working?)

Bumdrops · 13/10/2025 21:26

wow -
you are working 50 hours a week,
from 8 months post partum
doing all the evening / night care
breast feeding
you surely can’t continue like this
go off work sick
spend the time off getting some rest and then a reset is needed - better distribution of mental load / parenting / etc

are u outsourcing enough - cleaner / crèche / whatever

can you reduce work hours ?
down grade lifestyle ?

you sound like you are on your knees … and something needs to give

Original poster
CervezaWhaat889 · 13/10/2025 21:27

Renamed · 13/10/2025 21:23

How come you are the “breadwinner” at this point while being drained dry - could that change?

@Renamed not really, I make 3x more than DH. He doesn't have the potential to make more (government). Changing things i.e. me quiting for an easier job would have a significant negative effect on all our lifestyles and DS' opportunities.

OP posts:
Original poster
CervezaWhaat889 · 13/10/2025 21:28

Dropping hours in my career, at my seniority, is not possible. It's this or nothing.

OP posts: