I wish I was a father

[CervezaWhaat889]

I'm a first time mum to a 14 month old. FML. His dad is actually very patient and fun and spends a lot of time with him. But I'm the ONLY source of comfort, the ONLY one that can put him to sleep, the only one that always thinks about his food and snacks (severe allergies, meals are not simple), just responsible for everything. I'm also the breadwinner BTW and went back to work when DS was 8 months old. I'm also fat and in extreme pain, still, because of pregnancy. Don't think I can even face the thought of another one, not that my body could actually do it even if my brain accepted the risks.

I'm so tired. DH is so fucking perfect and has such an easy life and I sometimes just hate him for it. My life would be so much easier as a man. I need a wife.

I know many will come here and tell me about their perfect husbands who do 50/50 everything but in real life, my life, he's better, much better than most of my friends' husbands!!!

My eldest would only be breastfed to sleep (by me, obviously!) but by about 16 months her dad could just rock her to sleep and she’d be fine. If I tried to rock her she’d scream blue murder, but he eventually found a little bedtime routine and despite wanting boob 24/7 if I was in the room, he was able to settle her in their little routine. At that point I lost a lot of the resentment towards bf, and she carried on until she self weaned at 2.

She also had lots of teeth (full set by 18 months) and was non stop ill from nursery so completely appreciate why you might not want to stop yet, but you can work around it!

A cleaner? If you earn x3 a goverment pay + husband's pay you can easily afford it.

It's easier to be your husband because you don't ask him to step up and do his part. Or outsource things paid by a high income. Why do it all by yourself? It's a choice and it's your choice. Good luck.

I'm with you, OP. I looked at my DP one day and thought, you have such a different life to me.
It's shit.

No one has said do more housework … !!

read back through - some good pointers here -
get pen / paper out - start reviewing and planning -

1. Work less hours. 50 hours is silly and of course you’ll be on more money if you’re working loads of hours
2. Make your husband do more parenting
3. Stop breastfeeding as your child doesn’t need breast milk or formula milk anymore and it will mean your child won’t only go to you for comfort

Being a father to a 1 year old is a hell of a lot easier than being a mum

Only if you’re YOUR DH!

I thought this when mine were tiny, and I ended up getting divorced.

I can’t tell you how much of what you say is inherent to it just being easier being the father or how much is just you’ve got a dud one I’m afraid!

I do think he needs to get much more of a handle on how to care for his son - dietary needs in particular. No excuse for not being all over that. And how to soothe him so that he is wanted in the night/ when your DS is upset.

I guess your are both working full time even though he earns less? And so you’re both bread winners? Sorry if I’ve got that wrong but that’s the only bit that seems a bit U - although maybe I say that because I work for the government and earn that smaller salary too!

Thats what I remember thinking. A completely different quality of life. I couldn’t get past it.

I get this too OP (although my husband is generally pretty good and whilst im the higher earner it's not 3x as much). Fathers do get an easier time of it. Definitely do not have a second child though. It will get easier in time.

I get what you're saying. Some similarities in my life too. I would love a wife/housekeeper/cook/shopper!

Some points

1. are you outsourcing what you can. Cleaner, ironing service, gardener.
2. meal planning and batch cooking - we find it pays dividends to invest one of our Sunday afternoons 1-2 times a month making food for the freezer.
3. cosleeping - I am with you on it being by far quickest and smoothest for the BF mum to get baby back to sleep. Are you cosleeping? Pros and cons, I know, but for me not having to get out of bed is brilliant. We have a full size cotbed with one side removed attached to our adult bed.
4. radical but could your DH give up work? Take over responsibility for most of the household and child chores and admin? We did this during shared parental leave from months 9-12 with both my children and it was so lovely. DH made mistakes but ultimately learnt the burdens of home and child management.

I hear you. Even the best dad you know would just be average if he was a Mum. The bar for Dads is on the floor. I do think it's a bit of a gift as well, to be loved that much though and to get to be their safe space.

That's a DP problem.

I can honestly say there's no difference in the amount of parenting my partner and I have done, almost from birth. Mixed feeding, shared responsibility for taking the baby out since day one, and equal time alone. It's not hard, your DP just has to choose to show up and not be a dropkick.

Look up dr Erika komisar - interesting take on male and female roles in their child’s lives and why we’re different.

no help practically but might make it easier to understand some things.! I found here really interesting ( didn’t agree with everything )

It sounds like you’re too burnt out to be able to enjoy motherhood and life, I’m not surprised with you working 50 hours a week with little support. Changing your working hours doesn’t sound like something you want to do for several reasons. Is there any possibility of you paying for more support around the house so that you only have your DS and work to worry about. Also with you doing everything you are, can DH do any more to help e.g I’m up in the night with baby but DH will do other things (mainly work) so it still feels like we’re a team. Could he be responsible for cooking dinners, taking DS for a walk on weekend mornings while you have a lie in?
I’ve got a 14 month old too, also teething, breastfeeding and up several times for settling/feeding, plus older children and a DH who works away, I also work in a demanding responsible job but only part time. It’s hard work for us both (I feel like I never stop and most of my leisure time is in the early hours during feeds 😅✨he does have a little bit more leisure time than me but generally think we strike a good balance

Sorry but I can't see this relationship lasting unless something major changes. The resentment will just build and build, especially if you ever decided to have more children.

I do feel sorry for you though, because I think we are in unchartered water right now. A kind of in-between time, where women's roles have changed, but many of the current generation of men haven't changed to match.

These are generalizations of course, but it illustrates the point:

1940-60s etc. Men earning 100%, women doing 100% household. Good? no, but both sides could feel some degree of fairness

70s-early 2000s. Men earned more, women earned less and did more at home. Not really fair in terms of hours of labour, but still more than now

2020s. Women under 35 now earn on average more than men. Yet men still expect the woman to do more at home. = Your situation.

The logic follows that men should pick up the slack at home, if their wife is the main earner - but that message will take a generation to filter through, and most men haven't understood that yet. So you get countless threads on here like yours, where a man thinks he is doing what a good man should do. but actually? His wife is earning more, and doing more at home. He is just playing the role of "dad" but bringing very little to the table. Less money, Less parental responsibility, Less housework, Less mental load etc.

None of the generalizations about past generations were fair, but they were all more fair in their distribution than today where many women are taking on the vast majority of the responsibilities.

The problem though is, the alternative is divorce, where you then go from 85% of the family load, to 100%.

I hope your husband can change. If he earns so much less than you (and presumably works/ and has less stress) he must take on more of the other load. Or you will grow to hate him, and it will end.

I also hope that the next generation of men will grow up seeing women refusing to accept the unfair situation around them, and (like previous generations of men) step up to the new way of doing things, if always a decade or so delayed...

This is awful. He should be stepping up with the housework and cooking, so you can focus on baby.

What does he actually do?

You’re giving this man the life of Riley, an income 3 times what he earns and free baby care so he gets to pretend to the world he’s an amazing husband and family man.

What are you getting out of it? You might be better off divorcing him and getting a nanny.

I think it’s a combination of some men not having a clue what the housekeeping and mental load/admin side of things actually involves but also not being so invested into it being done to the standard women would like e.g thinking we’re just making more work for ourselves doing things which we can see or know do have quite a big impact e.g. not feeding our children all processed foods, buying a card for our child to take in for the teacher at the end of the year or baking lonely aunt Mabel a birthday cake etc

Being a mother is absolutely hugely harder than being a father. Bit honestly, I wouldn’t trade. The rewards are higher too. I’ve got several kids. All breastfed and none really slept as babies and I’m the bread winner (for context of job stress/effort/hours I earn 8x DH salary). My daughter can be a bit of a daddy’s girl and it breaks my heart if she shouts for him rather than me when she’s hurt or needs something. 1 is so little and it’s exhausting, I promise it will get better.

If you are going to accept your lot and not try or even thinking about how to change then l don't see the point of continue the thread. If you can't make him do more then l vote go down the single parent route. Just be careful he doesn't pretend he's the primary carer and tries to get you that way
I point blank refused to be a mummy martyr when l had twins, there wasn't much room for passengers anyway. I don't know understand why women insist in carrying some lazy ass man, especially if he isn't paying his way financially either

Hi, sorry, haven't rtft but you say you're in pain? That makes everything so much worse! What's wrong and is it worth asking advice about that specifically on here? It's awful to be in pain.

Your child has severe allergies that your husband doesn’t really think about and you consider him to be a decent dad?
He might play with him and have fun with him, but a decent father and husband doesn’t leave his partner feeling like this. A decent father wouldn’t participate in a set up that leaves you hearing a friend is pregnant and thinking she’s ruined her life.
You shouldn’t have to “make” him change. He should want to change the second he realises you feel this way.